Where do I go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Where do I go from here?
8
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 9:48am

Hi ladies!


I need some advice.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:59am

I think you need to do a couple of things. The first is to respect that although you think they are too young to be experiencing and taking seriously their thoughts that they are destined to be together forever...for them it's very real and feels like their personal truth. Another is to not become emotionally nuts over this and force yourself to remain calm when talking about the rules, etc.


My now 19dd was a junior and 17 when she began dating her then 19bf, a HS graduate and working full time. We had many of the same issues. I would speak with them repeatedly. I eventually let go of having to be in complete control of the whole curfew thing. 10-20 minutes past curfew was not such a big deal in the big picture. What worked for

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 10:01am
If you want....and they are sitting in his car you can go and knock on the window and inform her that it is past curfew....and that you will be coming out every few minutes to tell her what time it is.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 10:12am

While agree with what you're saying, because mostly it has to do with remaining consistent about the curfew, etc., I really don't like the idea of the constant policing of dd. I'd rather teach the dd about respecting her own space and time and value the time apart from bf so the time spent together is even more rewarding. This way she is not overwhelmed, can maintain her friendships with others, learns to accept that there are limitations on even the most loving of relationships and learning to respect her parents as well. By constantly laying down penalties, what, or how is she learning any of those things? I think it will only escalate the battling that already exists between daughter and parents and that will not be productive at all.


My dd's have had curfews from the time they started actually going out with friends, but we've made exceptions along the way and we've always been relaxed about giving or taking about 30 minutes in regards to adhering to a strict curfew time. Say, if the curfew were 11PM and she rolled in at 11:20, not a big deal. Especially not a big deal if she was sitting in the bf's car in the driveway for those 20 minutes. I do know how 10 minutes turns into 20 and then 30 minutes goes by and they are still sitting there making goo goo eyes at eachother or sucking face - then I understand how annoying it can be and I used to flash the outside lights a few times. They usually get the hint and dd would come inside.


I personally think that as they get past the age of 16 and closer to being an adult, they need to learn how to self regulate - in regards to time spent with friends, their money expenditures, bf/gf's, curfews, etc. If we keep them on too tight a leash, how do they learn their limitations and how to trust what they can and cannot handle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 10:26am

I want to answer this post as we just went through this over the last 7 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 3:39pm

Although I don't like the idea of a serious relationship at 16 - Her b/f is very good to her - and cares about her very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 4:59pm

The reason I asked the question about how you felt about the relationship is because my DS' situation was one that we thought was very unhealthy.

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 10:13am
While that is true....you must enforce the rules of the house...or you will have even bigger problems than curfews being broken.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 4:32pm

This kind of sounds like the relationship between my DSD (17) and her dad.