Where is my perfect daughter???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Where is my perfect daughter???
8
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 9:01pm
yikes! I know this is small potatoes, but I'm feeling a bit DUMB right now. I've always prided myself on really KNOWING my kids, and what they are capable of. If the high school calls, my 15 year old son is probably getting suspended. If the elementary called, I'd believe just about ANYTHIGN about my 8 year old daughter. But, see, I've got this ONE perfect child - my 13 year old DD. She may be "spirited" at home, but she is the model student. All her teachers love her, she's so eager to please, etc. SO...the first time this year that she told me a teacher had taken her aside and told her that she had a really BAD ATTITUDE, I took it up with the teacher, and basically implied that the teacher must have been having an off day! The next time it happened, different teacher, I questioned the teacher thoroughly and defended my daughter. Now by the 3rd or 4th time...I'm beginning to see it! She's bossy and overbearing with her sister and her friends - and she does admit to sighing and rolling her eyes when she doesn't like what a teacher is telling her! If she doesn't see the point of an activity, she'll stick up her hand and ASK exactly what the educational purpose of it is. She comes home every day telling me about this or that kid that she just HATES (the little snob), and she doesn't even BOTHER trying to be polite to her foster brother. In short - she is SNARKY, just like Mrs. A. accused her of. I'm sure this totally fits being nearly 14 and in her last year of "middle school", but I'm irritated that it took me so long to figure it out, and wondering what I should do to nip it in the bud!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 12:09pm

Hi morgan's mom,
Don't take this the wrong way but I was just wondering if this is the beginning of a pattern for dd and whether or not you think it might have anything to do with you taking in your troubled foster son. After all, she probably has noticed that fs gets a great deal of attention for his bad behaviour and maybe it's her way of trying to get some more attention from you. I would nip this in the bud if I were you - trying to give her more attention, and catch her "being good". Just some thoughts....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 12:45pm

Hi

First of all, I'm sure some of this is normal teen stuff, and it's being picked up now by teachers because they expect her to be "perfect". I think the good kids sometimes get less slack than the "bad" kids - as if the teacher is thinking "I count on you to be good."

Second, the challenges your family has faced recently with your son could be spilling over - maybe give her some time/place to talk to you about what's going on. At home and at school - what's her take on why she's being disrespectful to teachers?

Finally, I think that kids and teens can take responsibility for their relationship with adults (including teachers). I have said to my DD "teachers are people too" - how would you you expect a person to feel if you roll your eyes or challenge them in public in front of a group (class)? When my DD was younger I actually got her to try an experiment - for one week, look at the teacher when she's talking, smile when she looks at you, and say something constructive at least once a day - within a week, the teacher who said she had attitude stopped me in the hall to say what a great kid she is. It's a great lesson for life - you don't have to love everyone you meet, but you do have to be respectful to teachers, colleagues, supervisors. My DD has a teacher this year who she doesn't like or respect. We talked about how I agree she's not a great teacher, but you still can't be openly disrespectful.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 1:33pm

Welcome to the world of teenaged DDs. Wish I could tell you how to nip it in the bud, but I never really found a way with N, she just sorta grew out of it when she started getting involved in things in school, got herself a b/f. Though she still has her really nasty moments, especially when she and T are having a disagreement.

Good luck, hopefully things will straighten out soon for you. There were days that I really wished I'd quit with the boys though, these moods that the girls come up with can be a killer!
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 2:09pm

That's good advice. After DS17 was suspended, I told him he'd have to earn back the respect of his teachers, but didn't specifically say HOW. Although I've never heard from a teacher that he was disrespecful or had a bad attitude, I think sometimes his shyness can be misinterpreted as arrogance. I'll remind him to do what you told DD.

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:01pm

Same here - ds14 is working with our 'reading specialist' mostly for study/long term memory issues and she went to each of his teachers for their comments on him. They wonder if he's passive-agressive or sullen due to his posture and lack of participation in class! Actually he's somewhat bored with the slow delivery or some classmates' questions, and just a real quiet kid - we told him he has to 'play the part' while in school. The reading specialist has asked him to ask a question in geometry each time they have it (block schedule) so the teacher feels he's participating. He had no clue his posture could be so misconstrued. I feel for him! They'll learn...

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:04pm
The thing that galls me a little is that they have so many kids in that grade with fairly severe behaviour problems. Then there's my daughter - constantly being reprimanded for 'body language'. I really do feel that they are putting a lot of pressure on her to be "perfect", even while they are overlooking some fairly outrageous behaviour from some of the others. I know body language IS important, but one teacher in particular just seems really intent on picking on it. And I heard from a different teacher, that she was "polling" everyone in the staffroom - asking them all if they thought Morgan has a terrible attitude lately! Grr.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:07pm
Well, I don't think it is for attention, because she readily admits that she gets tons of that for all the right reasons. However, she DOES blame her behaviour on him. She will say "The stress of living with him has me so on edge that I snap" or she'll say "I guess I'm learning bad habits from him...picking up on his lousy attitude." I agree there might be SOME element of truth in there, but I think it is also a bit of scapegoating. I figure that if she is mature enough to SAY that she's picking up on his bad habits, she should be mature enough to STOP doing it. It's become quite fashionable around here to blame everything on him...even the 8 year old has started that, mimicking her sister!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:09pm
I think that's a lot of it - teenage girl hormonal stuff, LOL. In all the years that I've taught kids this age, I've always said that the boys are easier than the girls! Unfortunately, my 8 year old is starting to sound a LOT like Morgan, so I need to get this stopped fast before it spreads like a disease!