Why do people lie?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Why do people lie?
7
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 9:20pm

It seems that alot of posts deal with teen lying, in one form or another, so I did a quick search on the topic of why people lie. This MSNBC report was interesting:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4072816/

and highlights two things that I believe about lying: 1) people lie because they believe the consequence for lying is less bad than the consequence for telling the truth; 2) parents can help their children stop lying by telling and showing them you'd rather hear the truth than be deceived.

Here's a slightly different take (preserving self-esteem and self-image):

http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/060515_why_lie.html

This one, BTW, quotes one of my professors from grad school right at the top!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 9:54pm
Thank you ljd mom. Any added information about lying can only help me understand my daughter better. Not that she is a habitual liar but she does lie on occasion and I do believe she does it because at the time it is the easier thing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 10:23pm

Great question.
As with all good questions, it begs more questions.
Such as where do you draw the line between the quest for open honesty, and consequences with teens?

A person in my office was literally bragging about how his son (17) told him how he totaled his car over the weekend. He was racing another driver, went too fast on an exit ramp and put his vehicle on the guard rail. Dad was ecstatic over his sons honesty. No repercussions. No consequences. The holy grail of “truth” took precedence over any consequence for stupid, immature judgment.
What does the boy learn from this? As long as I tell Dad everything, I am not accountable for my actions.
You make an excellent point in that lying occurs when the cost is less than the truth. How do we encourage telling the truth and paying the price for that honesty at the same time?

On a smaller scale, DD is now allowed to attend parties where drinking is going on. The caveat is, 1) Remaining sober is an absolute must 2) she must be completely honest with me without fear of me ratting out her friends. 3) Drinking must not be the primary reason for the gathering. And 4) Other friends must also be present who are committed to remaining sober.
She comes home and says, “You won’t believe what happened tonight....”
Did I sell out for the truth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 10:30pm

What timing!

I know that I lied as a kid because I knew darn well I stood a better chance not to get beat if I didn't get caught. Either way, I got the same punishment, see what I mean?

Last Thursday I spent the day with a pathological liar. He just recently began working for my father and I needed an inexpensive plumber to work on my son's house.

All day it was one lie after another. Even claiming once that he knew who robbed the local bank and it was one of my relatives, the bank robbery he didn't even know of that morning when my father and I were talking about it (just before we drove away). Suddenly 3 hours later he knew who did it. That's the first time I told him he was full of s***.

And it kept on and on. I never thought the day would end. Another example: we'd pulled up behind a boat, he began telling me how he used to own that boat. Now understand, all we could see was an aluminum boat from behind for less than 15 seconds. That's when I asked him if he was having hallucinations. I had to call him on several other instances. Telling me outrageous things my father supposedly "confided" in him, how he was a gigolo in the past and now the same women are cussing him out because he won't do it again.... I mean, COME ON! Ain't nobody look like him a gigolo!!

Since he brags all the time, I already knew he lied to build himself up. What I don't understand is how he thought I must be really stupid to be falling for all that crap.

Last year he got out of prison after almost 20 years. For kidnapping, rape and murder. Nobody believes he did it, and a major reason is a man named Fred Zane, who did the second DNA test (the first was negative) And the fact the woman had just a month before stole a huge amount of drugs from some really nasty people. (we all grew up together)

But my point is, the fact that he was a huge liar beforehand just sealed his fate.

I hate it of course when my son lies.... but sheesh, when it's a 55 y.o. man, it's just pathetic.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 1:23am

This is interesting. When my son was interrogated by the Asst. Princ. and the Ath. Director about his having drunk before going to watch a football game, he told the truth. He did drink. (It was a few sips of rum.) Other boys who were interrogated lied. My son was supspended for 5 days (among other punishment)for having been "under the influence", cuz they assumed he must have has SOME alcohol in his system when he got to the game. (Even tho the AD said my son looked normal when he saw him at the game.) The guys who lied got off with nothing.

My son can not be in National Honor Society because he was suspended. Both the Asst. Superintendent and the psychologist whom my son saw were surprised by this. They thought that he had done the honorable thing in telling the truth; while those who had lied, can still be in NHS, cuz they were not suspended. But I think that exclusion from NHS is the one APPROPRIATE punishment my son got: Because he did something illegal by ingesting any alcohol at all, he certainly should not be considered a leader, worth of being in NHS. But I strongly believe he should not have been denied his education (suspension), because of a nonacademic violation that did not even occur on school grounds, where the school had no authority.

I told the psych I thought WE failed, by not telling our son to lie if he were ever to be interrogated....only because the punishment is ridiculously harsh and unrelated to the crime. He probably thinks I'm the one who needs therapy, LOL!

-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 11:40am

A few years ago I asked that very question on this board and did some internet searches on it as well. I came up with the main two reasons for lying is what you said about the consequences and what the other link talks about. People with low self-esteem think that they can lie and be more interesting to their peers.

In my DD's case, it a combination of both + we had taught her to lie by living a lie in our own home. By ignoring DH's alcoholism, we were living a lie. So she sort of thought that was the norm.

We had to work very, very hard to overcome all of those issues. When she lied, she was punished for the lie. If it was a lie to cover-up some indiscretion, we usually just talked about the indiscretion but either grounded her or gave her major chores for the lie. We tied the length of the grounding or the # of chores to the number of times she told the lie so she was real clear that her punishment was for the lying.

We also actually starting talking some about DH's drinking and what our lives were like during that time.

It was a slow process but she rarely lies to me know (occassionally yes but probably less than most teens).

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 1:09pm

Although I think it is probably a rhetorical question, I wonder why you ask if you sold out for the truth regarding your dd? As long as she is abiding by the rules you have laid out, then there would be no reason to punish her. Are you speaking about being completely honest about her friends w/o fear of ratting them out? In that case,I don't think you sold out at all. Maybe that's because I have some similar rules like that laid out for my kids. :)

As far as my own kids and lying to get out of trouble, they know that when I find out the truth (and I WILL find out) they will be punished once for the misdeed, and again for lying. If they come forth with the truth immediately, then they are punished only for the misdeed and it's usually not as severe as it would've been had they been caught lying. Ok, we all know that I have not caught every lie they have ever told me and that's not liable to change. But, hopefully, we have set a precedent and they know that, should they get caught, they run the risk of double punishment. They have to weigh the consequence of lying against whether or not they get caught.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 8:21pm

>>where do you draw the line between the quest for open honesty, and consequences with teens?<<

I don't think it means that you get away free if you just tell the truth. I do believe that taking responsibility for your actions is a big lesson of childhood and teen-hood.

Last night DD and I were watching a reality show where one of the contestants cheated. Well, she said she didn't cheat on purpose, she didn't know the rules (even though everyone else did), she thought it would be OK, and then ..... she started crying. Now, to me (and I'm a big offender in the too-much-crying area), what a child/teen does is lie or cry to get off easy; what a grown up does is say "You're right. I'm sorry. I goofed." It was a great time to point out to DD how dumb it looks to try and weasel out of something you know is wrong.

As for your story about your DD and "selling out" - I do sometimes feel like it's a fine line between knowing what *my* DD did, and wanting to hear what everyone else did ("other kids were doing what?! OTOH, I do feel it gives me a clear picture of the environment my DD is in, and how well she's managing it.

On a related note - DD has been pretty honest with me about the waywardness of a couple of her friends. It's hard not to say "don't be friends with her anymore!" which would have the effect of 1) ending the honesty and 2) cementing their friendship forever!