why won't she do her homework?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
why won't she do her homework?
7
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:24am

I don't know if anyone here has a way to get a DD to do her homework. On her progress report, every subject with the exception of Chorus listed "missing homework/assignments". This has been a problem for her in the past but we thought that this year would be different since she is so excited about college prospects. She is in the 10th grade, will be 15 on Wednesday and had alot of plans for the future, all of which include getting into a good college. She doesn't say she can't do the work only that its "boring' she "hates' the teacher or whatever. We have told her that she HAS to do her homework, that its.

We have only threatened to ground her and have not really done it. She refuses to talk about much and gets very depressed and goes to bed when we try to talk to her. I have been insisting that my husband deal with this because I get so frustrated with her. I can't stand the fact that she won't discuss things with me only says "ok" to anything I say and won't look at me. I feel my emotions are clouding my judgement. I could go on and on but I'll stop now. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 10:51am

DS3's grades came home yesterday. He has severe LDs so I know our kids arent in the same position

His grades were actually okay but it was obvious he could have done better if his homework was better. He only had 1 missing assignments-for him, it was 30% on the assignments that was the killer

He told me he can stay for homework help after school MWF.

I actually cotaught one of these study sessions for elementary age kids one year. While some of the kids didnt get the material and needed assistance, there were some there that simply needed someone to stand over them and insist they do the work. In one case, just a few weeks with us showed the dd mom was serious and she went on home and did her work.

Call the school and see if thats an option. I am meeting with teachers Thursday to see what we can do as MY son needs someone to help him, not stand over him and I worry that's all this might be-but for your dd? A couple weeks of something like that might make her more than ready to come home and do the work

I feel I am kind of copping out but I know myself well enough to know I will help him on my own for a few weeks and then drift off....this will be a better option plus mom gets to be mom not the teacher

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:08pm

I know this is very frustrating for you. She may not be talking to you b/c she doesn't know what the problem is herself. I had to learn to remain calm and to be patient with DD. I also had to learn to not let her push my buttons which meant when she started to hit one of those trouble spots with me I would ask her to calm down or we would and finish the conversation when things were better. We both learned to communicate a little better that way.

So far as the homework goes, I had the same problem with DD when she was 14 & 15. Some here think I micromanaged the situation but it worked for us. I literally called her teachers every Fri for an update. If she had missed work or did poorly on as an assignment, DD was not allowed to leave home until the work was completed to my satisfaction. It didn't matter if the teachers would accept the work late or not. I made it very clear to DD that this was about her learning the material. She could do the assignments during the week or on the weekend. I preferred she do them during the week but the weekend was okay too. Either way, she was going to do the work and she was going to do it well. This meant no movies on Fri night, no football games on Fri night, no flea market on Sat, no Sonic on Sat night, etc. Once all the missing assignments were completed to my satisfaction, she was allowed to go as normal. She knew she was grounded b/c whether she got to go out on Fri night was her choice - do the homework during the week and she got to go out on Fri night. She quickly learned the value of attempting to do the work during the week. She also learned that if you learn the material as you go that it's easier come exam time.

Then we ran into another obstacle. DD had ADD and we didn't realize it so despite her best efforts to do her work during the week, she still had problems. She was so frustrated that she broke down in tears one night. We talked and decided she needed some counseling. The counselor tested her and discovered her ADD. She was put on medication. Between the two (teaching her to work during the week and the med), DD went from borderline D's to straight A's (honor classes) in both her Jr and Sr years and graduated with a 3.6 GPA Honors Diploma. It took alot of discipline and patience on both our parts. She is now a freshman in college and taking several upper level classes b/c she took dual credit courses her sr yr of high school. She's studying her behind off and making A's.

Sometimes they just don't know how to study and get frustrated. Teach her to take notes while she's reading, make index cards, etc. Go over her reading assignments with her and ask her questions - focus on any new words that she may need to look up. It's sad to say but, at least in our county, kids make it all the way to college w/o every opening a dictionary or making a note card. I teach computer science at college and also manage the open study lab. I find myself having to show students how to make index note cards, etc. It breaks my heart that they weren't taught these tools earlier - life would have been so much easier for them.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 8:49pm

I went through a similar situation with my son. He just did not like to do his homework and thought that it was a complete waste of time. He was so agaisnt it because he could usually just go in and score well on the test. I would literally have to sit there with him and force him to do the homework if I wanted him to do it. I don't recommend this, but once out of pure frusteration my husband and I threatened him about his future telling him that he isnt going to live at home if he doesn't go to college.

One thing that worked though was enrolling him into an AP or Honors class. They don't offer a lot of busy work, which he liked. Also, he learned very quickly that if he wanted to go out on the weekends he would need to do the work and get good grades on the tests. I don't know if this will work for everyone, and I know the year has already begun, but if there is a particular subject that she enjoys let her try an AP class and see if she likes that more.

Adelaide

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:54am
You may want to have her evaluated by someone for depression. Sounds like it might be and temporary medication can make a world of difference. My daughter went from not caring and failing to being a wonderful student. She stayed on meds until after graduation and hasn't needed them since. Most high schools now have an online program accesable to parents that show progress on a weekly if not daily basis including missing assignments. I found that very helpful. Also, your daughter needs to rearrange her thinking. She is in school to get an education for herself, not to please the teachers or her parents. This is for her and her alone. The fact that she doesn't like the work or the teachers will not matter in the long run. What will matter is that in three years she has educated herself enough to go on with her life or not. Like I told my daughter, there's always fast food and if you work really hard you might get to be manager in ten years. She decided to study nursing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:48pm

I would suggest imposing more immediate consequences than perhaps not being able to get into a good college. Kids this age are not very good at delayed gratification, heck I even know many adults who can't handle it. At our h.s. there is a sheet you get from the front office which lists every subject, current grade and whether there are missing assignments. Granted, the kid has to remember to take it around to every class and if you have a depressed, unmotivated kid good luck with that. If there are any missing assignments tell her she can't go out on the weekend until they are done. It works very well over here, but in our case ds17 has LD, so that sometimes he is home for quite a few weekend before he finally gets it. I know, it's rough...

Last year, dd had the same problem about not turning in her work even though she would do it (sometimes). Turns out she was depressed. We have addressed those problems and though she is quite disorganized, she is doing better this year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 9:20am

I actually had a friend who was so busy with her three kids' afterschool activities that she didn't have time to moniter homework in the evenings. Her solution? She already was a volunteer in the high school so the teachers knew her. She'd stay until lunchtime where she'd go to each teacher to check what homework was required, then meet her son in the cafeteria and make him do it while she sat there. I didn't take more than a couple of days for her son to die of embarassment and start getting it done at home!

Just an idea!

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 11:52am
i know what you mean. we have had these problems with my dd(14) off and on over the past 2 years. she reacts the same way as your dd, just seems to get upset and goes to bed when we bring it up with her. but after talking to her teachers, and her, i realized that she doesnt do her homework when she doenst understand it. i found several unfinished asignments in her room when i was cleaning it (another topic) one afternoon, looking for another assignment that she had misplaced and i was going to drive 45 minutes to her school to take it to her (i didnt find it btw, it WAS in her backpack!).
what we have done to help her with this problem is arrange for tutoring at least 1x a week in the classes that she struggles with the most, and my sister takes my dd with her to her college campus or a coffee shop to study on the weekends to help her. she actually has to stop everything, and eliminate all distractions to be able to focus and retain what she is studying. and she needs someone to sort of sit with her and keep her focused and on task.