Winter Formal dilemma
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Winter Formal dilemma
| Wed, 01-11-2006 - 6:41pm |
Please pardon the length..After being out of town for 2 weeks, I have returned requiring sage advice..
My wonderful, thoughtful, daddy's girl, super kid has finally made the transition to 15 yr. old spawn of the devil....
I knew it was coming. Frankly, I'd be concerned if it didn't. They need to seperate from us to grow, yeah..yeah..ya-de-yah-de-yah..
So...
The winter formal dance is this weekend. Her ex-boyfriend asked her to the dance, and DD said OK. Shawn is a two-faced, untrustworthy, pot smoking, sexual pig weenie. That's my nice description of him so as to not violate TOS. Shortly after breaking up with DD, he (at 15) had sex with DD's best friends' older sister (who was 18) because frankly, she's stupid and was drunk at the time.
They "went out" for about 3 months, then he broke up with DD because he couldn't get anywhere with her. Apparently, two months time and a dozen roses entitled him to some action. Guess not...
He gravites toward the loose and troubled girls for obvious reasons. I think he considers DD a "challenge" if you know what I mean...
DD is not sexually active and doesn't get into trouble. There is my dilemma. She is quite naive about this pig. Daddio, being the cool calm slick parent (insert sarcasm icon
here) said she could go to this dance, but NOT in Shawn's car or any kid's car. I, or some other parent needs to drive her, and there will be no after-dance activities with weenie boy.
DD flips out, wails and crys about how over protective and dumb this is, etc.. etc..
and has not talked to me for several days. She has a slight point in that these dances are really centered around her *group* of friends. I obviously have a problem with weenie boy and I do not want her alone with him. DD in her youthful naivety, still considers him a "friend", probably because the going trend of sophistication makes it look "cool" to be on friendly terms with exes, regardless of how you've been treated.
I'm angry at the situation, and slightly depressed at "losing" my girl. Am I overreacting? Am I overprotective? She hangs with a crowd that do not seem to have the parental controls that I insist on. Partially because they are almost a year older, yet still in the same grade.
My wonderful, thoughtful, daddy's girl, super kid has finally made the transition to 15 yr. old spawn of the devil....
I knew it was coming. Frankly, I'd be concerned if it didn't. They need to seperate from us to grow, yeah..yeah..ya-de-yah-de-yah..
So...
The winter formal dance is this weekend. Her ex-boyfriend asked her to the dance, and DD said OK. Shawn is a two-faced, untrustworthy, pot smoking, sexual pig weenie. That's my nice description of him so as to not violate TOS. Shortly after breaking up with DD, he (at 15) had sex with DD's best friends' older sister (who was 18) because frankly, she's stupid and was drunk at the time.
They "went out" for about 3 months, then he broke up with DD because he couldn't get anywhere with her. Apparently, two months time and a dozen roses entitled him to some action. Guess not...
He gravites toward the loose and troubled girls for obvious reasons. I think he considers DD a "challenge" if you know what I mean...
DD is not sexually active and doesn't get into trouble. There is my dilemma. She is quite naive about this pig. Daddio, being the cool calm slick parent (insert sarcasm icon
here) said she could go to this dance, but NOT in Shawn's car or any kid's car. I, or some other parent needs to drive her, and there will be no after-dance activities with weenie boy.
DD flips out, wails and crys about how over protective and dumb this is, etc.. etc..
and has not talked to me for several days. She has a slight point in that these dances are really centered around her *group* of friends. I obviously have a problem with weenie boy and I do not want her alone with him. DD in her youthful naivety, still considers him a "friend", probably because the going trend of sophistication makes it look "cool" to be on friendly terms with exes, regardless of how you've been treated.
I'm angry at the situation, and slightly depressed at "losing" my girl. Am I overreacting? Am I overprotective? She hangs with a crowd that do not seem to have the parental controls that I insist on. Partially because they are almost a year older, yet still in the same grade.

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Dearest DD has sat idly all week with her headphones on in the car as I drive her to school (she KNOWS this drives me nuts)until this AM, when she abruptly removes them and apologizes for being a pain in the ass. She says she's stressed out. I explain that I would really appreciate some information that she considers none of my business, mainly WHAT is going on with her and weenie boy. She says he's just a friend. I ramble out my concerns about his past history and the fact that he may consider a girl like DD a challenge for another bedpost notch. She makes a face and says, "Shawn knows I won't have sex with him."
hmmm... Sounds painfully apparent to me that he's already asked...
I know it's not 1970 any more. Is it too much to ask that her first experience MEAN something? Her group of friends pass boyfriends around like mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. It would be cute if they weren't all screwing each other. It's just plain sick...
She's still "holding the V card" (her term) and is not ready for that. What is she doing with this group? Unfortunately, we ran out of time this AM. I need to find out what's stressing her out.
If I had to guess the reasons for the stress (based upon my 15 yo's reasons when I ask)...
1. School (studies, mid-terms, teacher's piling everything up at the same time, end of the grading period)
2. Friends (even if they are close, one wrong or misplaced comment can pit them against each other)
3. Social life & Friends (the clash between what her friends want her to do, what you want her to do - or not do - and the fact that she agrees more with you than she will EVER admit and is trying to figure out a way to still be included but be comfortable in the situation).
Here is what I do -
1. Take a deep breath (or a drink, but definitely a deep breath)
2. Give her a hug
3. Tell her in your best "psychologist voice" that you understand she is under stress and ask if there is any part of what is causing her stress that you can help her with - start with asking about school because it is less likely to cause a fight :) If it includes my "reason #3" above. Tell her to feel free to make you out to be the "meanest parent in the whole world" if it will help her save face with her friends when she doesn't want to do something they may want to include her in ("Sorry, but my dad said no - he is SO unreasonable). (This seems to work for my dd!)
4. Try to keep your voice calm even if she raises hers - for some reason they can't keep yelling at someone who is calm :)
Good luck - I will be sending "de-stressing" thoughts your way!
P.S. On a different stressful note - my dd will be 15.5 next week and is eligible for her learner's permit - yikes!
Mom to Emily (18), Conor (17) and Hannah (12)
Wife to David - 8/20/88
<<<3. Social life & Friends (the clash between what her friends want her to do, what you want her to do - or not do - and the fact that she agrees more with you than she will EVER admit and is trying to figure out a way to still be included but be comfortable in the situation).>>>
The proverbial nail has been hit squarely on the head....
For all my faults, yelling is not one of them. When I reach a point when we're not listening to each other, I get up and say we'll continue later when you realize shouting does not get heard. In fact, I've learned the hard way that the quieter I am, the more they listen.
<<>>
Oh, I am a first rate SOB according to some of her "friends on the fringe"; the ones who smoke dope regularly, occasionally get caught, and whine in their blog about: Ohhhhh, pooor meeee. My parents don't truuuust meeeee !! They found my stash and now won't let me...(fill in the blank).. Gawd!! That is SO unfair! But ***'s Dad won't let her do ANYTHING!! gawd!!
(I'm just DEVASTATED that I'm held in such contempt..:-) snort..)
Yes.. I could have it much worse..
DD got her learners permit about a month ago. I was suprisingly calm. In fact, I rather enjoy her driving me around when there's errands to run. So far, only two major mistakes:
Ran a stop sign she didn't see, and merged into traffic without looking. Fortunately, no other cars were around. She was more upset than I was.
Returning de-stressing thoughts back at ya..
Hope the permit goes fine..
Being held in such contempt means you must be doing something right.....
As an aside on teenage driving, my 16 yo ds who has yet to apply for his permit (not that interested, apparently) is starting to catch rides with his friends who have had their license for six months (so they say - how can I verify, I just have to trust). Friday afternoon he was going to a show in town with his buddies who are in the band. They came to pick him up and this guy has a car whose engine sounds like a tank - you know, real macho-like, and as they left he had to squeal the tires for effect. When my ds got home (thankfully in one piece) I asked him about that. He said his friend did it to "scare him." He said he drove okay the rest of the way (actually only about a mile). Hmmmmm. What is it about boys, their weenies, and their cars? LOL.
Hang in there, daddioe. Don't let her hysterics break your resolve. Someone has to protect her from that creep and that someone is you. So, follow your gut feelings and keep the reigns tight on this one.
Ahhh, the joys of parenting teens. Our only revenge is knowing that one day our teens will also be parents of teens. LOL
Mily
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