At Wits End - Loser Boyfriend - ANY Suggestions???
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 10-29-2013 - 6:20pm|
I'm at my wits end so let me start by saying that if I seem as if I'm just rambling, not only am I looking for suggestions, I'm also venting. My DD is newly 18 and just graduated HS last May. She's always been the youngest out of her group of friends. This has some advantages and also some disadvantages. She hasn't had a lot of boyfriends, at least none that lasted that long. She's a great gal, strong willed, fun to be with, beautiful inside and out. Some of her friends are hot and heavy in long term relationships; which she really wants for herself. She has taken a semester off to work and enjoy life and will start college in January. She has a lot going for her, including a loving and supportive family! This past April she started dating a young man. At first, we liked him. He has had a pretty lousy life thus far - just aged out of the foster system, the third oldest of 8 kids, all of which are scattered all over the place, parents were drug abusers, etc. When they first started dating, he was living with his grandmother. Because of all this young man has been through, he has "anger issues" and although he never has hit anyone, he breaks things. Walls, mirrors, cell phones, etc. Come to find out, he is also bi-polar but he REFUSES to be on medication. He and I have had several conversations about this and he has said on more than one occasion that he is looking into herbal alternatives to the narcotics used to treat bi-polar disorder. Because of his outbursts, his grandmother has called 911 on so many occasions that they know him by name. She is elderly, hard of hearing and her English isn't all that great. She doesn't know how to talk to him and he can't talk to her, so she calls the police. They have even told her not to call again unless it was an actual emergency. He has been Baker-acted twice since DD and he started dating. At first, we liked him because he was working hard to get out of "the system". He had a job, is working on his GED, wants to go on to fire-fighter school, etc. Well, our feelings for him have changed now that we are seeing more and more of his behavior first hand. He goes through DD's phone and FB and gets super irate with her if she has any texts or messages from another guy, regardless if they've been friends for years. He has worked that "woe is me" card one too many times with us and we don't buy it any longer. His family he does keep in contact with are a bunch of wacko's themselves. His biological mother recently tried to come back into his life but she is still using drugs and caused him so much heartache, even at 18 years of age! We understand and remember being young and all the fights and heartache that go along with it, but this kid flies into rages at the smallest thing. I've asked DD if she's ever felt threatened by him and she said no, but the thought is always in the back of her head. Recently, he's been accusing her of talking to someone else and he tracks her FB usage. She wakes up with her dad in the morning and as most people do who use social networking, checks her FB page at approximately the same time every day. He sees this and assumes its because she's talking to someone else. Recently, he's been giving her grief about starting college in January, because "she's going to meet guys who are different and better than he is and will leave him." Doesn't matter how much reassurance she gives him, he believes this is how it'll be. Her friends all hate him. Her dad and I have expressed our feelings about their relationship and how concerned we are for her mental, emotional and physical well being. This is the time of her life when she should be loving life and having fun, not worrying about a loser boyfriend. Now, we do try to take into consideration where he's come from and what he's been through and some of it does sound like majore insecurity on his part, but our daughter is our most important concern. He refuses medication and refuses to seek out any sort of help or therapy. So, how can we convince her that enough is enough? Why is she hanging on so tightly? Is she trying to fix him? HELP???