worried about dd
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worried about dd
| Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:22am |
Just wanted to write an update on my dd and boyfriend and get some advice on what to say if anything to my dd.I had written a post called boyfriend troubles a while back to any of you who read it.After christmas they broke up .dd is blaming herself,eveything is her fault. She was the one who broke up with him because after not seeing him for two weeks she fully expected to spend the weekend with him (he lives on his own during the week for his co-op work comes home on weekends)He did not want go get together on the friday or saturday and was going to see her for a little while on sunday before he went back, that is what started the fighting this time. I think she thought after a cooling off period he would miss her and make an effort to work things out, but he says he does not want to work things out because he see no point in it because he will not be home to live for at least another year,even though he comes home on weekends, and also because she gave him his stuff back that was at our house. Lame excuses I think he wanted to break up with her but did not have the nerve to do it so he kept making her mad so she would be the one. I also think as long as she was willing to accept the little bit of himself he was willing to give her at this time, he wanted to keep her on the back burner for later on when he is done his fooling around..I wish she would see all of this for what it really is I have tried talking to her but she gets mad at me and dosnt really want to hear what I have to say,she is hell bent on blaming herself and spends a lot of her time crying in her room. He is a total ass and she cant see it, I know this stuff is age old, do I just try to ignore the issue and she will eventually come around and be the happy girl she used to be before going out with this ass or do I give her my two cents even when she asks me what I think. I just dont know I always seem to say the wrong thing. tonight all I told her was that she is a beautiful person, smart, pretty,motivated, very kind and that she deserves better than that from a boyfriend and she got mad, said I just say that to her because she is my dd.It breaks my heart to see her like this. It dosnt help that she sees my other dd and her boyfriend who dotes on her and she wants that for herself so badly.Anyhow I think I have ranted on long enough. Thanks for listening any input regarding how or what I should be doing would be helpful.

thanks so much for listening to me vent. My dd is 19, unfortunatley all of the girlfriends that she would spend time with all moved away to go to various different schools. She did join the badminton team this year and that should help a little. I will never understand why girls get hung up on the wrong person, I as a teen was always able to see through the jerks, maybe because I was a tomboy growing up and I also had a brother.I see so many young and old women do this and it always puzzles me. I guess it comes down to fears of some sort, confidence and self esteen issues.
My dd also has set a plan out for herself, she wants to have done certain things, finish school, get a job, has a time frame for when she would like to be married by and have children, I said to her it is good to have goals and dreams but please be flexible with them, life does not always happen the way we want, but in her youth she does not get that yet.
Anyhow I am going on again thanks for listening
Catriona
I'm pretty much right there with you. DD broke up with her b/f of 2 1/2 years about a week ago. Although she's getting out and hanging out with her friends, she's crying alot at home and doesn't want to talk about it. Really all we can do is let them take the lead. I've found my DD will talk in the car so over the weekend we took a day trip to visit her grandmother. On the way home, she did talk a little. Then on Monday, we went into town and got her hair highlited (a late Christmas present) and she talked on the way back a little about the possibility of them getting back together.
I agree with the poster that said do not bad mouth him. She choose him as her b/f and she may anything critical of him as a reflection of her choice. She will probably become defensive of him as a way of defending herself. I learned this the hard way a few years ago.
I've also learned when she does talk. I usually just respond with really or I'm sorry or I can see where you would have a hard time with that. When she said she was considering getting back together with him. I made a mistake and said too much - I simply asked her if whatever was wrong that caused the break-up, had been corrected in a week. That I doubt something that serious could be truly fixed that quickly. I also told her that the only thing I would like to see him change is his drinking. She immediately began to defend him saying he hadn't drank any while he was home for Christmas. (b/c he was either sleeping or hunting) I simply said that she had told me a few times last semester that he had gotten drunk and said some mean things to her and that I didn't want her to get hurt. She didn't respond so maybe I didn't say too much b/c that's her way of letting me know she's at least giving it some though.
Anyway, continue to be patient with her. You might try taking her to another town for a girls day out this weekend - shopping or lunch or something. Car time is when mine talks. And even if she doesn't talk, it will at least be a distraction for her.
Good Luck!
Hi there,
Thanks for the advice, it is good advice and I try to do that its just sometimes I succeed and sometimes I dont. I did think the other day I need to do something with her and I am trying to come up with something. In the past when it has been crush type boyfriends shopping or out to eat or a new haircut has always worked, but this was the real deal for her this time and I am not so sure any of those will work. I guess this too shall pass and your right just be patient with her. It is just so hard to see her suffer like this and I just want to give him a piece of my mind to make myself feel better (would not do this just venting the thought)Anyhow thanks for the input.
Catriona
In my case, it's my DD I would like to give a good piece of my mind to. She wants to keep her b/f dangling and yet date other guys too. In the real world, it just doesn't work that way. However, I do feel she needs to date other people. He does too. He won't even consider it so I would love to sit him down and tell him exactly how I feel. I feel like she's either just stringing him along she decides what who she wants or maybe she's trying to make him stand up and take notice of her. She's very attractive and so far hasn't had to look far for guys. He takes her for granted quite a bit but it gets a whole lot worse during hunting season. He went to bed most nights over Christmas by 9 leaving her to hang out with whoever she could find and either she got tired and did find someone else or she decided to make him jealous. Not exactly sure what's going on.
Please try to encourage your DD to get out of the house a little bit this weekend. Or maybe just rent a movie and make ice cream sundaes. I did this with oldest DD alot when her b/f was deployed to Iraq. She just needed the comfort of mom on the couch. Since she doesn't live here anymore, I would drive to her apartment (1 1/2 hrs away at the time) and spend the night. We would fall asleep on the couch watching movies. She just wanted someone with her.
You're right though your DD does need space and it is so hard as a mom to give them that when all their lives, we've always been able to fix their boo-boos.