Worried about TA Daughter's Social Life
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| Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:37am |
Hello, I have not posted to this board before. I am because I am worried about my 16 year old daughter's lack of a social life. She is very active in sports (softball) but besides that (and her occassional babysitting job), she doesn't leave the house. When she does go out (which is rarely), she takes her 14 year old brother and sometimes one of his friends. She is very shy, withdrawn from girls her age accept when interacting with them on the softball field. She is absolutely beautiful (and I'm not just biased) but feels that she isn't, therefore, she is shy and withdrawn around other girls and boys her age which puts them off.
Could it have anything to do with her biological father not having interaction with her in about 6 years? She has a stepfather (my husband) but to be honest, he isn't the greatest with her except when it comes to helping her with softball. Other than that, they don't get along very well because he is on her much of the time about doing chores, etc.
She gets great grades in school and I should probably be happy that she doesn't get into any kind of trouble but I hate her wasting some of the best years of her life because she feels shy and lacks self-esteem. With prom coming up, I have really begun thinking more of it. I don't think she'll be going because I don't think a guy will ask her because they feel put off by her shyness.
I'm just really curious as to what to do about this. I'm sure some type of therapy would help but are there any encouraging words, etc. that I can give her in the mean time. I have tried before to tell her what a great girl she is, but she is still shy and seems to lack self-esteem.
Any help or advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Hi and welcome to the board.
She has not really come out and said that it bothers her that she doesn't go out and socialize but she has confided in me that she is very shy and wishes that she wasn't. She has said that she would like to go to the prom but said she is sure she won't because she doesn't think anyone will ask her and she doesn't want to be the one to ask. She is a Junior so she does have next year. I just don't understand it. She has everything going for her -- looks, sweetness, smart, athletic, etc. but she still feels so inadequate.
I had the same concerns about my oldest DD. She was very much a homebody and spent many a Fri and Sat night at home studying. She did attend prom with a group from the academic decathlon team. I honestly worried about her and had similar concerns about her relationship with her father. She went to therapy for a while but really didn't participate so it didn't do any good. Turns out all the worrying was for nothing. When she went to college, she received a full scholarship to a very good school about 5 hours away. She didn't know a single sole there. She was forced to get out of her shell. She made some wonderful friends and excelled in school. She is know attending graduate school across the country and is dating a very nice man that she met while she was in school. In high school, she honestly felt that people her age were immature and she didn't have much in common with them. When she got into college, she was surrounded by a more mature group of people and felt more comfortable with them.
I do have a question for you. Is she happy? If she is, I wouldn't worry too much but I would gently encourage her to enter a group activity for something that interests her. But if she doesn't want to, I wouldn't push it. She will probably come into her own in the next few years and have a very full life.
BTW, my youngest DD plays softball as well and she doesn't hang out with the girls on the team much b/c they are heavy partiers. My DD is no saint but she just prefers not to party all the time and find party-people to be annoying and wishy-washy. Maybe your DD is looking at things through those types of eyes.
I do completely understand your concern but I want to reassure you that this will work out and she will come closer to succeeding in life b/c she knows who she is and what she wants. She just doesn't flow with the crowd.
Here's something that may be of value:
"The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World" by Mari Olson Laney.
I have not read this book, only heard it being dicussed on the radio.
They talked about the value society places on extroverts. The popular social butterflies seem to get all the attention while the quiet ones are often mislabeled as insecure or lacking self esteem. Introverts get their energy from within so social interaction can become physically exhausting. Introverts are aware of this societal importance and begin to wish they were different. I can't adequately explain it all but the gist was, there is nothing wrong with them and they have certain enviable, admirable qualities that parents must acknowledge.
Your description of your DD sounds like she's a wonderful girl. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm sure she can read your disappointment despite your encouraging words. Perhaps this book may help. Some of the most creative and influential people of our world have been introverts.