worried mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
worried mom
3
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 3:19am
my 13 year old daaughter has been seeing this boy for a couple months now .im not thrilled with her going steady at 13. but shes generally a good kid with good grades.And very mature for her age more like a 15 year old.he is 14 but 2 grades higher than her which kinda bothers me also.another thing is that my daughters best friends lives a block away from him,so every time she goes over her friends house guess who ends up there?THE big problem is that i dont think her friends parents are supervising my daughter like i would.they tend to be very passive parents. which im not so. i know kids need to be supervised at allll times.well i think things have gone further with this boy than i would want ,so i asked my daughter flat out if she ever kissed him and she openly admitted she kissed him . but refused to go into detail and promising thats the furthest she would ever go at that age. i dont think shes gone any further but i feel a need to stop the relationship now before its too late. and i feel like she shouldnt be spending nights at that friends house anymore .my daughter is really upset by this and claims shes inlove with this boy. she cried all night long.but also admitts that she is going to continue to kiss him because she loves him . im so heart broken and worried for my daughter what do i do please help!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
In reply to: linda762007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 12:16pm

First of all, if you're comfortable with them, I would speak to the other girl's parents. If they're not going to provide the supervision you think should be provided in this situation, or if they're not going to agree that this boy shouldn't be over their house unsupervised, then I totally agree with halting sleepovers to her house (and even visits to her house - the other girl can come to your house).

Same with the boy - if she wants to see him that badly, she can see him at your house - under your watchful eye.

While I agree that "going steady" at 13 is inappropriate (in fact, DATING at 13 is inappropriate, in my opinion, regardless of how much a "good kid" a child is - things get out of hand), "putting a stop to the relationship," I guarantee you, will NOT work. Not at this point. It will only make the boy and the relationship more appealing, and they will find a way to be together in some way (take this from someone who was "forbidden" to see a boy at 13. I ended up dating him, off and on, for 3 1/2 years before I owned up to my parents - because I was a "good kid," they never suspected a thing).

Instead, supervise the relationship - at their age, eventually, their "love" will give way to "Eww - you disgust me."

A little aside. My son wanted to start dating someone at 14 who was 17 - my ex and I were TOTALLY against this relationship, but unlike my ex, I realized that forbidding it was only going to make it more appealing. So I told my son the other boy could come to our home, but they were not allowed in his room, my son was not allowed in the other boy's car, and I made sure my older son kept a watchful eye whenever I wasn't home (actually, he kept a MORE watchful eye - it cracked me up to see what kind of parent he'll be).

The result is that after about 2 1/2 months, this boy came over, and my son decided he couldn't handle the way he ATE (could be something as small as that). And so it ended. But had I forbidden it, there's no doubt it would still be going on behind my back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linda762007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 1:57pm

I agree wholeheartedly with this post!

And sleepovers get tricky when they hit the teen years.

She may not be at the home she says she is or she may start there and leave. Parents, even the watchdog types, are going to fall asleep. Teens do sneak out windows and even front doors and are back in their beds by morning.

So, yes, the best you can do is monitor her time with him on your territory and, at 13, no adult will think poorly of you for saying 'they have to be at my home'.

I would also sympathize with any hurt feelings or feelings of love. Thats truly what they are to her, after all. There's no sense being a party pooper with "you're going to date 20 boys before you're really in love' or some such thing

Sympathizing does not mean caving in to her demands, of course

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
In reply to: linda762007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 6:35pm

This is a tough situation to be in. I've been through it with my daughter, who is now 18. Two things that seemed to work for us: first, take your daughter to lunch and have a girl to girl talk about love and yes, sex. Agree with her on as much as you can; yes, love feels wonderful, yes kissing is fun. Ask if she has any questions. Share an experience of yours. Remind her that she is in no rush. She's probably feeling a bit scared about going further than kissing....and I found that when I pushed and prohibited my daughter, I changed those normal fears and worries (which might have helped her put on the brakes) to defiance. Lead her to the right conclusions with your understanding and insight. Ask questions to see what she thinks - then you can respond with what you think, and why. She will appreciate that you treat her as if she has a brain and heart! Do let her know what you expect from her, and why. Go ahead and let her know that you are nervous about her growing up, and ask for her patience as you get used to her dating! Try you hardest to be an ally - not a friend - there is a huge difference.

Next, make it "difficult" for her to see this boy. Make sure she has activities after school where she won't have an opportunity to be alone with him. Agree to have him over your house so you can get to know him...have her friend who lives near the boy come over to your house instead of having them hang out at her house. If you can limit their alone time without having to say the dreaded "No, because I said so!" she won't get the chance to see you as an adversary!

These are some of the most nerve-wracking and trying times I went through with my daughter, but we've come through it closer than ever. I let my daughter know I was always on her side, that I would be fair but firm. Your little girl is going to grow up and experiment....it's inevitable, but if she knows she can come to you for advice and support (instead of criticism and fear)you'll never regret it.

Hope this helps! Good luck!