worried mom again!!
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worried mom again!!
| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:04am |
i took everyones advise to continue to let my 13 yr old date her 14 yr old boyfriend. but with limits and supervision.well here its friday and she wants to go cosmic bowling tonight at 10:30 with her friends and boyfriend. she says thiers not going to be any parents thier. so i told her thier would have to be a parent thier or myself or she cant go . i told her that i would get her and bf a movie to stay home and watch .butshe got mad at me and said i was treating her like a baby .that none of the other parents care all her other friends are allowed to go on thier own.i get the feeling she wants alone time away from me to makeout with bf.and the parent she says she would see to go is one that is a pushover he doesnt have the watchful eye i have thats why she said he would.am i wrong for not letting her go ?i want her to have fun with her friends but i dont want to able her to make out with this kid .also does anyone know of any good book i could get my daughter about dating and sex sort of educational.i want to have the sex talk with her but i dont know exactly how .i'd hate to skrew that up please help

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Personally, I see no problem with NOT letting her go - or with going yourself. I think 10:30 is a little late for a 13 year old to be going out anyway - even on a weekend. And there should be more than ONE parent there...what if the one parent gets a phone call, or goes to the restroom?
As far as other parents not caring, that's really not your concern (and in many cases, not true). My DS (now 18) went to a party when he was 16 where I found out later there were no parents and an abundance of alcohol. When I confronted him (and the two friends he went with), I found out that one of his friends (17) had TOLD her parents there was going to be alcohol - and no adult supervision - and they told her to "be careful." So what other parents say, do, think, or allow is not my problem.
Simple solution. Go - but don't breathe down her neck. Bring a book and sit there and read. If that's not good enough for her, then she can stay home. If she objects to you treating her "like a baby," tell her 13 may not be a baby, but it is certainly a child, and children need to be supervised.
Good luck!
I am trying to think back to what I let my DD do when she was 13 or 14. I would let her go to the mall w/ friends but obviously a parent would have to drive and pick up or go to an early movie. I wouldn't have let her go to a 10:00 movie since that would have been too late, so I guess I wouldn't have let her go to cosmic bowling that starts at 10:30 and presumably doesn't get out until midnight. I think if the bowling was earlier, then I might let them go unsupervised by parents, assuming that parents are going to drop off and pickup. Since they are in a public place, do you think they would make out right in the bowing alley? I'm sure there are some kids that would, but that's kind of gross. I would suspect more in a dark movie theater. I suppose they could go outside, too. Well, you have to make your own decision and those arguments about what everyone else's parents let them do never went anywhere w/ me. Some parents are just stupid and don't care about their kids, so are you going to follow their example?
I also remember getting my DD a book about puberty that was published by the American Girl people. I'm sure if you look around any major bookstore you could find something. The thing is that kids know a lot about sex as far as the mechanics go and they could read about that in a book, but I think it's important to parents to discuss their values w/ their kids and why they think it's important not to have sex at a young age.
No you are not wrong to not let her go. I learned the hard way to develop and trust my instincts. Also, do not buy the "all my friends can do it" line b/c it's just that - a line. "All" her friends parent's would not allow this. Another thing to keep in mind is that if you let her do this at 13, what kinds of freedoms is she going to expect when she's 15 and 17? It is so much easier to give them those freedoms as they become more mature than it is to take it away from them when they make a mistake.
"also does anyone know of any good book i could get my daughter about dating and sex sort of educational.i want to have the sex talk with her but i dont know exactly how .i'd hate to skrew that up please help"
I read almost every book imaginable about raising teens but I never gave my DD a book about sex to read. I didn't want her to have anyone else's values but her father's and mine. In our state, kids are given basic sex education (what goes where, STD's, birth control, etc) in school so I knew DD already knew that. I was more concerned about her learning about the emotional consequences of the choices that she makes. But more importantly I wanted her to learn that she could talk to ME about any questions and concerns that she had. So I literally set aside about 15 or 20 minutes every couple of months to talk to her about the emotions of sex. At first she just sat and stared out the window and I figured she wasn't listening until one night she repeated something I said months earlier to one of her friends (she forgets mom has excellent hearing). After about a year of this, she actually began to talk a little to me. Then she dropped the bombshell, she asked for birth control (she was 16 at the time). Once that was taken care of, I continued my talks and she actually talked more. During this time, I also talked with our pastor and youth director about setting up a series of abstinence programs for our youth. We had two - one included a panel of Christian college students who were practicing abstinence (some were virgins, some were not). That had a huge impact on DD and she made a choice to be abstinent for a while longer. She's almost 19 now and I don't know if she's abstinent or not but I do feel that whatever choice she's made was a well-thought choice and that's the best a mom can hope for!
I guess I'm saying that she doesn't need a book - she needs real live conversations with her mom. You are her mom - speak to her from your heart, she'll listen!! (And yes, it was always a little awkward but it did get easier over time).
I'll be the odd one out here and say I think I would let her go as long as an adult was going to be there. It is a bowling alley-I cant imagine too much going wrong without getting 'out there'. I mean would the proposed parent let them leave the building?
You'll be dropping her or them off, right? Id hang around awhile-certainly long enough to speak with the parent in charge and insure s/he wont let dd leave the building even for a breath of fresh air. I would make sure dd know ahead of time that this discussion would be held.
And I would pick up a bit early
But going out in a group is how you want to start the dating thing IMHO(and mine are those late bloomers so take it with a grain of salt)so the positive is that she is on the right track and not asking for one on one time.
Something to consider although I would still go with whatever your gut is saying!
Its a natural first reaction when your kids are dating to worry about them "making out"...or more. However if THAT's what worries you remember that "making out" does not need an opportunity like a night out at a bowling alley with parents around. In fact when I think back to when I was a teenager, I did plenty of "making out" during school hours and in fact at school! So if you are holding her back because you're worried she'll start to get physical with this boy I'm afraid this isn't going to work.
First things first -- don't jump to conclusions that there is anything more going on than some harmless kissing. Kissing can lead to more, its true but it is a very big jump from kissing to more and at 13 that jump is even bigger. If you are worried about having the "sex talk" you may also consider that she's already learned quite a bit at school. So she would know the basics and now all you have to do is talk to her about how you expect her to behave both in public and in private.
As for letting her go to "cosmic bowling" I'd find out all the kids who are going to be there and I would ensure she has a very strict curfew. Tell her you are going to pick her up at a certain time and if she isn't there where you tell her to be that you will go in there and drag her out. She'll be there just to avoid the embarassment.
I know its nerve-wracking when our kids start to date but just remember that at this age especially its probably at lot more innocent than you think.
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree here. There is a whole lot more sexual activity going on among younger teenagers than there was when we were kids.
In talking to my children, I find out that many of their friends have already had sex - and my younger so is only 15! Most are "making out" and even going further at 13-14 - and these are not the "bad" kids, either...these are kids from good families, who are responsible, well-behaved, and for the most part, supervised.
As was stated, if the OP's 13 year old DD wants to "make out" with her 14 year old bf, she's going to find a place - and a time - and she's going to do it. No amount of supervision, unless we want to keep our kids under our eye all the time, is going to change that. And if we DO keep our kids under our eye all the time at 13, when they're 15, or 17, they won't know how to act, because they've never had the opportunity.
I don't believe in smothering kids with supervision, but neither do I believe that having more than one parent at a "cosmic bowling" event (it's always best to have more than one parent - what if there's an emergency?) that takes place late at night is unreasonable.
But to think it's all "innocent," or that the jump from "making out" to more is bigger at 13 than it is at 16, is kidding ourselves. Kids today are a lot less innocent than we were - and making more serious choices earlier in life (look at the number of 14 year old pregnant girls - you don't get that way by "making out"). To be honest, I'd be more comfortable with a 16 year old girl than a 14 year old girl - they've learned a little more and might be less inclined to succumb to pressure.
My DS18 has a friend who is a year older than he is - she has a 5 year old daughter. He told me, when she was 14, that she was a "great mom"--I wondered how she could learn so much about being a mom when she hadn't finished learning about being a daughter.
I understand your points, and I think you agreed with me for the most part...but...
1. I don't think kids are doing things THAT much younger than when we were kids, but they are doing them younger. Yes, they do have more freedom, but LESS freedom doesn't mean better behavior...it just means being more creative about doing what you want to do. Kids were making out in 7th grade when I was in 7th grade - whether it was too young or not - and I was in 7th grade almost 35 years ago.
2. I think 9th grade is too young to be making out. I think it's a dangerous situation and 14-15 is too young to be involved in it. I know they do, I know I did, I didn't think it was too young at 14, but I do now.
3. If you want to talk about grade and age, personally (and many will disagree with me here), I think 7th grade is too young to date - period. I think group activities where they can see people of the opposite sex amongs a group of friends, with parental supervision, is the only way to go at that age.
Again, that's just my opinion.
I think its important to separate fact from perception in the case of teenage sexuality because what HAS changed significantly since we were teens is the openness of discussion on this issue. We all knew a few teens when we were growing up who were faster than the rest of us but they were the exception and not the norm. And statistics show that is still the issue. Just because there is alot of talk about sex doesn't mean its happening.
Here is a link to a really good study on the issue:
http://www.kff.org/youthhivstds/upload/U-S-Teen-Sexual-Activity-Fact-Sheet.pdf
Studies have shown that sexual intercourse among teens is actually DECREASING and not increasing as people might perceive. The media likes to sensationalize issues and more open discussions with teens means we hear more about the kids having sex. In fact the rate has been decreasing steadily over the past 10 years. Sexual activity among 9th graders was shown to be 33%. Now you can look at that as glass half full or glass half empty but the likelihood is that most teens you or your kids know are NOT sexually active. Also this is an average over all teens and in fact when you consider cultural, economic and social factors the rate of activity can be significantly lower.
If you look at the study you could either take it as a positive and reassuring study or you can focus on the negative aspects but I look at it this way -- my dd has a very large group of friends. They are 15 going on 16. They are bright, pretty, smart and popular and active in a number of areas from volunteering to sports to the arts. She regularly socializes with I'd say up to 25, 30 girls. The overwhelming percentage have never even had a boyfriend or kissed a boy. Sure I can find one or two who are more advanced but that's one or two -- not all of them.
So I choose to remain positive on this issue given my own personal life experiences as a teen and given what I see around me every day.
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