Would these even happen in your house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Would these even happen in your house?
4
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 6:05am

I am going to write some things that have been going on and maybe I can have some feedback if I am totally off the wall or this place has turned into crazyland.

DD is l8 (l8 to me btw means she had a bday but we are still responsible for copays---true story) who still lives home and DH seems to think she can take control and come and go and she pleases what father does this. One who does not want to deal with confrontation and it is making me nuts....

1. School nite, she has party to go to...it is perfectly ok NOT to know whose party where phone number location..nothing?

After party she comes home at l0 30 week nite curfew BF is allowed to come in an stay till after midnite per DH...Gee I thought curfew meant goodnite at door period the end. She is still in freakin high school. He goes to bed at l0 after extending her curfew LOL sayin there is no need for both of us to be up.

With her disrespectful rotten behavior he (DH) is actually contemplating a car at college when she goes...WHAT??? She has had one accident and two violations in the yr and a half she has had her license. He says he does not want to tell her she cannot have a car at college if he decides that way. My idea is we are paying room and board no need for a car my son survived 600 miles away with no car, four years...He says telling her would only be "starting trouble" LOL...

BF comes over during a full blown blizzard. Weirdo. She wants to go over his house and DH and I were "supposed" to discuss it after we ate dinner. He, behind my back, tells her no problem. The police and media were urging people no travel unless absolutely necessary. Of course, she hates me cuz I am guidelines mom and he just cannot say no, unless if she has had enuf. Oh and wknds DH sees nothing wrong with her being home at 12 and BF stays till 3. Parents of BF have asked to pls kick his butt out at a reasonable hr. DH won't do it.

Is it me? DH is doing a great job having my dd hate me for following some rules and guidelines. Can you imagine what she will be like when she gets to college omgg...

Opinions pls?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 9:42am

wow. you certainly have your hands full. its a shame that your husband is not backing you up on the values that you are trying to instill in your dd. just becaue a child hits the magical *18* doesn't mean that their lives have to change from rules and curfews to no rules. that is plain ridiculous. her life shouldn't change - she is still in school, she still needs to study etc.

however, you and your DH really need to be on the same page - or at least in the same chapter lol - and it sounds like you aren't. this is causing alot of tension and your dd is only going to cash in on this. none of this is good for anyone. sit down and talk with your DH alone. you will need to find some compromising ground. for instance, i agree that your DD shouldn't be at a party where you have no info, but maybe on the other side you can let the curfew slide a little . i agree that your dd's bf shouldn't be at the house past midnight. etc. if your dh won't sit down with you, then you might want to seek professional family counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:44am

I am going to try to get him into counseling and see if he would listen to this one. It is beyond outrageous the things she does. And worse still screams at me, while she sits there and smiles and wins another one. Going out in the blizzard with BF was too much for me, not to mention them horsing around here till 3:00 a.m. It turns my stomach.

thanks for your response.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 4:04pm

I do not think you are crazy or off the wall, and no these things would not have happened in my house. Fortunately my dh and I share pretty much the same ideas of appropriate behavior for teens, and we agreed many years ago to present a united front to the kids. When there is any doubt how one of us might answer in terms of granting permission etc, then dh and I discuss it privately before giving an answer, and our kids know this. Still we don't always agree, so generally if one of us feels very strongly about something (usually NOT to allow something) then we will go with that parent's feelings.

I don't think that your standards are overly strict or inappropriate. We generally did not allow parties, movies, strictly social events on school nights. If your dd is getting straight A's in all of her classes then you could cut some slack but as I recall her grades are not that good.

Your dd, like most teens, will take advantage of whatever the more lenient parent will allow, and she will play you against each other if she finds that it works in her favor. I think you and your dh may need a professional third party to help you sort this stuff out. You will both need to compromise in determining what is an appropriate amount of freedom for an 18yo still in HS and totally dependent on her parents; and what you will allow based on other factors like if she is trustworthy, reasonably mature, etc.

IMO it is important to get this straightened out now because it doesn't necessarily get better when they go off to college. Although you may not know what they are doing on a daily basis it is usually reflected in their grades and we sometimes have to make tough decisions using money as leverage--again you both need to be in agreement as to how much slack you will allow regarding grades, if she gets in trouble on campus or the college town, etc.

I hope that you and your dh are able to find a comfortable common ground.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 6:43pm

All 3 of our DSs turned 18 early on in their senior year, and I know what a touchy situation it can be... because truthfully, LEGALLY you can no longer MAKE these kids do anything... though you still have "my house, my rules" to fall back on.


What we did when our sons turned 18 was to change their curfews from 10 and midnight (school night vs. non school night) to "decent and reasonable" - which essentially meant that exceeding the 10 and midnight by an hour or so on occasion was ok, but making a routine of it was not.