Would you ask your teen's bf/gf for help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Would you ask your teen's bf/gf for help
15
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:20pm
around your house?

I don't mean a bf/gf who's relatively new to the family but one you've known for a long time. What're your thoughts on this? I grew up in a home where my mom thought nothing of asking ANY of my friends, male or female, to help her with something, like 'could you take the garbage & drop it in the can on your way out?" ... or even move furniture around; hang something she couldn't reach; even yard work & shoveling snow at times.

How do you feel about asking your teen's bf/gf to help? Or would you wait for them to offer? And if you wait for them to offer, how often do they actually offer? I asked my dd's bf to drag & hoist up several green garbage bags for me as I've recently done something to my back and my dd is in physio for a problem with her neck. My neighbor told me that she would NEVER do that, no matter how well she knew the guy or girl unless they offered to help as it wasn't their responsibility since they weren't a member of the family & that my asking could have given the bf the idea that he was 'expected' to do things like this (which is ludicrous; he's been around our family for 4 out of the last 6 yrs and HE didn't mind). I'm just curious as to how many others feel that way or how many would ask and if you think that'd be an issue.

*I* think my personal, bigger issue would be that he's here all the time; I've done lots of favors to him without even being asked, AND being asked ... sometimes I think back to what I was expected to do when at someone else's house and wish he'd OFFER more but just decided a long time ago that he likely thinks I'll ask if I need something done, lol.

THoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:10pm
If they are plunked on my couch, they are fair game. In fact, one child has been here so much all I have to do is call his name, and he takes the trash out. LOL.. Dd also warns her friends, you come here expect mom to ask you to help out.


Just my opinion..

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:39pm
I don't ask them, the kids do, (well, at least the girls do!) LOL. 19 dd has rooked her friends J and V into helping her vacuum and do dishes and clean her room. And 17 dd's bf A has really busted his buns helping clean (kitchen, bathroom, putting shelves together...you name it, nothing is beyond this guy, LOL!)

So, in turn, if they're around and we go out to eat or order something in or go to the movies or whatever and they come along, it's usually my treat even if I didn't specifically invite them to come.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:44am
Yes, I would. Not that either of them has had a bf/gf long enough for them to become a "member of the family" but if they did I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't wait for the bf/gf to offer because some kids will never offer to help!

In the case of your dd's bf, that boy is a fixture in your house! Your neighbor doesn't seem to quite grasp the relationship IMO!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:34am
I wouldn't have a problem with that, especially if they are here nearly 24/7 and I'm feeding them, LOL!

I wouldn't have a problem if either of my two were asked to assist their SO's parents/grandparents either. In fact, my daughter was asked if she could help her friend and family move this weekend, but we're going out of town. Otherwise she was more than happy to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:01am
lol - yes, your dd is me when I was growing up. Do you think our generation is a lot different this way? The teens I know are all willing to help if asked, and occasionally will offer to help with dinner if I'm cooking but it's nothing like what the expectations seemed to be like when I was a teen. Thanks soopermum.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:08am
It works that way here too. My younger dd and her best friend - who truly does all but live here on weekends - are clean-aholics; they LOVE cleaning and are great at it. They help each other at each other's houses cleaning their rooms and with them it IS an expectation as they are both the cleanest kids and the all-time messiest. One sleepover and their rooms are upside down. My older dd hasn't been into sleepovers for years now though.

Your 17 yo dd's bf has sure turned out to be a gem, hasn't he? :-)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:17am
LOL - well he's not here 24/7 anymore; he's here about once a week now ;-) (work hours) but yeah, he HAS been a fixture here. Maybe it has something to do with the neighbor in question being 28. Maybe it's a whole different generation, I don't know. Maybe if she HAD an almost-19-yo-dd she'd feel weird asking. I was just always expected to help, and to offer help if I went anywhere. Even going home to visit my parents, it wouldn't cross my mind to not help with Anything they were working on, you know? Thanks elc. I hope things have hit at least a plateau with your dd :-) (It really will hit a plateau, sooner or later, lol)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:18am
I wouldn't have a problem with asking any of my boys' friends to help that had been around for awhile, whether a male 'buddy' or a girlfriend. I think your neighbor is silly to think it's not right that you asked your dd's boyfriend to help!

Pam



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:24am
Me too, lol! I nearly told her about a convo I had with him about a month ago but figured she'd have an apoplexy (and at 28 years old, that'd have been ugly ;-). I was driving him home (his car's clutch is blown) one nite and he was talking about friends he knows who have lost both parents and how tough that would be. I said I had often wondered where my dds would go if something happened to me; their dad would be financially responsible but it wouldn't be a good for them to go live with him and my family, except for one sister with 4 kids of her own, aren't good options. I then added that I had been meaning to talk to my older dd about this, in that I wanted to ask how she'd feel about taking on her sister. Her bf jumped right in and said (now WHY had I not even THOUGHT of him as figuring into this equation??) that definitely yes, HE *AND* my dd would take on her sis without a second's thought - and then went on about how he'd be sure to help her with homework and make sure she did it; how he'd help her with her ups and downs with her best friend, etc etc etc. It even left my mouth open at the time, so I can only imagine how my neighbor would have reacted, LOL.

Have a GREAT weekend away, twoki. I hope it's a fun weekend planned!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:26am
I did too! I think some people just have to find a problem if none exist. I really do. Thanks Pam :-)

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