Would You Move ...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Would You Move ...?
22
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:04pm

Would you move your school age kids out of state? If you didn't really have to?

DH called me from work yesterday. There is a job opportunity (same company) that he is interested in ... in Denver, Colorado! DH has a rather specialized position in the mainframe/storage industry, so opportunities for new positions don't come up often. The position is actually a bit of a step down for him, but he seems to feel that he could transfer at his same grade and salary and/or that the reduced cost of living in CO would more than make up for it if he can't.

Living here has gotten cost prohibitive. Gasoline prices are up close to $3.50 a gallon and that is the big, and necessary, expense that's killing us. Housing prices are ridiculous, as are property taxes, etc.

ANYWAY ... I've posted here before that I'm not so crazy about where we live. DD, in the past, has always been open to the idea of moving. She's said "Well, I've been the new kid before and I guess I can do it again". Like me, she is always open to new advantures. But I mentioned this to her yesterday, however, she was a bit hesitant. She told me later she wasn't exactly opposed to CO, it just wasn't a place she ever expected to live, she was feeling more settled in school now and wasn't sure she would want to move.

DS on the other hand, is vehemently opposed to a move of any kind. He is a kid that just doesn't like change. We've been telling him for the past year that he wouldn't have to change schools until he started hs -- two years away -- and he could finish up middle school with the friends he started kindy with. However, a move at that point would put DD moving right before senior year, and I couldn't do that to her. That would be rough.

Another issue is the fact we have three horses and pay quite a bit each month in boarding fees. We simply cannot afford horse property in California. Well, we could in some areas, but DH already has an hour commute to work (before taking DD to school, which adds another 15 minutes one-way) and with gas prices, how much sense would it make to move even further away?

DH's younger DB and SIL moved to the Denver area about 3 months ago, so we would know SOMEONE in the area. DH and I spoke to them last night and they claim to really like it. However, their DS is only just starting school in September, and I don't feel they have all a whole lot of experience and opinions to share having lived there such a short period of time that really convinces me it would be a good and positive move.

So I guess my question is: would you move your family and uproot your kids during their school years for anything less than what could be considered absolutely necessary? The happiness and security of my kids are first and foremost in my heart.

 

 

 

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:15pm

Can you impose on your dh's brother and go for a vacation to Denver and scope things out before making any decisions? Get online and find out about housing costs, good schools, etc. If it looks like a good move, as far as cost of living, etc., and the kids are ok with the move once they've been there and looked around (and you level with your ds about monetary issues, etc.), then get serious. Just my $.02.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:39pm

Sue had a very good suggestion. Normally, companies offer to let the family visit the area before the employee makes such a decision so I would have DH discuss this with the boss. I would also look at the finances very hard. One thing to consider is does your state have an income state and how does it compare to Co. When DD moved to Idaho, she thought that the cost of living would be less and it is but she failed to consider their state income tax vs ours not having one. It's not a material difference for her b/c she has no income at this point but it's something to consider. The internet has some really good sites that compare cost of living, salaries, etc.

So far as the kids go, without knowing your kids, thta would be hard to say. I personally won't even changes churches without my kids input. It would be very hard for me to move w/o their agreement but that would also depend on their ages. Younger teens are more resilient than older ones but the older ones won't be around as long. The question would then become will they move back when they are old enough - will you be comfortable with that? It is alot to think about and I wish you the best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:47pm

Thanks for your suggestions. BIL and SIL are currently renting an apt while they wait for their house to be built so can't accommodate our family of four at this time, but did volunteer to show us around for a tour if we wanted to go check things out. IF, and it's a bit IF, we do decide to move I would want to try and get there before school starts and that's just 5-6 weeks away now. We'd have to find a new place to live, sell our house, pack-up, move us all -- including 3 horses -- find schools, etc. That's a lot to have happen in a short time.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:51pm

Thanks tobylady. BIL did mention in our phone conversation last night that state taxes, car insurance, property taxes were less than what he paid in Atlanta, GA before he moved to CO ... and Atlanta prices are less than California ... by a quite a bit!

This is horrid and I'm already starting to hate it. DH tends to be a 'grass is greener elsewhere' kinda guy and I have a feeling that if we move, it will only be a matter of time before he wants to try something else again.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 1:16pm

Where my kids are concerned I too lean towards their health and happiness first. Its just me and I think ALOT of people on this board and in my acquaintance in general would frankly be shocked by the decisions I have made on their behalf. I won't even consider them "sacrifices" because they were decisions I made fully aware of the choices I was making. But I was always happy knowing that my kids would benefit from them to a great degree.

Here's how I feel about this sort of thing because it has come up in my life as well. There will ALWAYS be places somewhere in the world where it might appear that if we only moved there life would be better. Maybe it might be cheaper or the weather might be better or the schools might look better etc etc. And in those terms, yes, it might be better. But every benefit received comes at a cost. And you have to be willing to deal with those impacts.

This kind of decision requires a full appraisal not only of the benefits your husband sees, financially, career-wise etc., but also of the costs to you and your family. I sense that its not only your son who doesn't like change btw -- he may have inherited that from you...

People are naturally anxious about change. But we all have different levels of change we can live with and with which we feel comfortable we can cope. Some people don't cope well at all. On the other hand, I've seen kids move not only to different states but to entirely different countries, learn a new language, fit into a new culture and not only do well but positively thrive. You need to assess whether your kids are capable of this sort of change.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 1:28pm

lol..I tend to be old school. (sort of)
At least my kids tell me I'm older than dirt.
I think a decision like this should be based on the benefit to you and DH individually, and the marriage as a whole.
Regarding the kids, questions like "Does the location have a quality school system?" seem reasonable.
Questions like, "Will the kids be upset?" don't.
All the while acknowledging their fears and concerns.
Sadly, when I was a kid, displaced kids were just told to tough it up and make new friends.

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 2:43pm

Funny you should post this b/c we face this question all the time. As a fellow Californian, I agree that the cost of living here is getting more ridiculous every day. One thing to consider is that our kids will more than likely never be able to afford a home in this state, and if they want that, they will leave the state of their own accord when they are old enough. As for me and dh, we will very likely retire out of state. If my parents are still alive, they might have to go with!

Dh is in the aerospace industry and one of his oldest friends has moved to the Denver, Colorado area to work for Ball Aerospace. He is constantly touting the benefits to dh about moving over there and working with him (they worked together for years here). We would move in a sec if it were not for the kids, and the fact that we both have our extended families nearby. Having said that, we will not be moving any time soon b/c of the kids...I do think it could send some teens into a tailspin to move in these high school years. DD14 would take it especially hard...you know we've had problems with her and I can only imagine a move would exacerbate them (and she has been improving...yeah!). Ds16 has so many friends here that it would also be hard on him, and like your ds he has always detested change. So far, he's avoided getting into teenage trouble. If we move, I have a feeling he might find some (anger issues). Ds10 would be fine with a move at this point...but he's not an only child, soooooo...we are *trapped* here.

Like others have said, you have to analyze all factors going into this decision, not just financial. The thing that stands out for me, though, is that you've been so unhappy living where you live, and you've mentioned that repeatedly. It almost sounds like in your case a move might be a good thing. Something to think about. Good luck, Julie. What a tough decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 3:56pm

I've thought about this post off and on all day, and I would have very mixed feelings. We've been in the same spot for 10 years, and are not planning to move until DD graduates HS (3 more years). At that point, DS7 will be mid-elementary school and will prbably protest the move. So, I've thought about this alot.

In your case, one issue seems to be that your DH and your DS have different/opposite personalities and approaches to change. Maybe that's the point of discussion - talk to your DH about not wanting to move again in X number of years; talk to DS about how change is stressful, but there will also be wonderful opportunities for all of you in CO. What, specifically, is he upset about and what, specifically, would make him feel better? I listen to Dr Joy Browne on the radio when I'm in the car at that time of day, and in this situation she has recommended old fashioned bribery - what would it take to make your child go along with the move? I agree with daddio to an extent that what's good for you/yourDH/your marriage is what's good for everyone. But, being realistic, there has to be a tradeoff. Since the Cost of Living will be less, maybe there's a benefit to DS ("you'll be able to take ___ lessons" or ride the horses more or go to that cool summer camp we read about online.......... whatever works).

My DH moved alot as a kid, and found it hard to keep on making new friends. But on the other hand, he is someone now who can make friends with anyone!

HTH

sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 4:10pm
I really like Sue's idea!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 4:12pm

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Oh gosh no! That isn't true at all! DH and I lived overseas for 5 years --in the middle east, no less -- and both kids were born there. DD was 3 and DS 7 months old when we returned to the US, to Arizona. We moved to California nearly 8 years ago. DD changed schools mid-year during 2nd grade. We've traveled all over the world and country during our marriage.

If it was just me and DH, I don't have a problem with a move, and he is well aware of this fact. Change for me isn't an issue, it's the impact on the kids that has me worried.

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

 

 

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