Would You Move ...?
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| Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:04pm |
Would you move your school age kids out of state? If you didn't really have to?
DH called me from work yesterday. There is a job opportunity (same company) that he is interested in ... in Denver, Colorado! DH has a rather specialized position in the mainframe/storage industry, so opportunities for new positions don't come up often. The position is actually a bit of a step down for him, but he seems to feel that he could transfer at his same grade and salary and/or that the reduced cost of living in CO would more than make up for it if he can't.
Living here has gotten cost prohibitive. Gasoline prices are up close to $3.50 a gallon and that is the big, and necessary, expense that's killing us. Housing prices are ridiculous, as are property taxes, etc.
ANYWAY ... I've posted here before that I'm not so crazy about where we live. DD, in the past, has always been open to the idea of moving. She's said "Well, I've been the new kid before and I guess I can do it again". Like me, she is always open to new advantures. But I mentioned this to her yesterday, however, she was a bit hesitant. She told me later she wasn't exactly opposed to CO, it just wasn't a place she ever expected to live, she was feeling more settled in school now and wasn't sure she would want to move.
DS on the other hand, is vehemently opposed to a move of any kind. He is a kid that just doesn't like change. We've been telling him for the past year that he wouldn't have to change schools until he started hs -- two years away -- and he could finish up middle school with the friends he started kindy with. However, a move at that point would put DD moving right before senior year, and I couldn't do that to her. That would be rough.
Another issue is the fact we have three horses and pay quite a bit each month in boarding fees. We simply cannot afford horse property in California. Well, we could in some areas, but DH already has an hour commute to work (before taking DD to school, which adds another 15 minutes one-way) and with gas prices, how much sense would it make to move even further away?
DH's younger DB and SIL moved to the Denver area about 3 months ago, so we would know SOMEONE in the area. DH and I spoke to them last night and they claim to really like it. However, their DS is only just starting school in September, and I don't feel they have all a whole lot of experience and opinions to share having lived there such a short period of time that really convinces me it would be a good and positive move.
So I guess my question is: would you move your family and uproot your kids during their school years for anything less than what could be considered absolutely necessary? The happiness and security of my kids are first and foremost in my heart.

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Thanks daddio, that's a good point to consider.
Unfortunately, the world is such a different place from when you and I were teens that 'just go make new friends' isn't such a great concept because you just don't know what sort of kids these 'new friends' will be like, will be into, etc., kwim?
It's just so depressing, isn't it? This trapped feeling?
So yes, I am unhappy here. BUT ... this is one of those instances where I will be happy to be unhappy if it means DD and DS will be happy. Yes, we feel lonely and isolated in our little community and neighborhood and some days or weeks are worse than others. This week isn't so bad. Kids have been busy and are happy this week and when they are in school and busy, it's even better. I'm the one who gets lonely, but I resolve to have a better attitude about it. And who knows? I may find myself in the exact same situation in Colorado? After my experiences here, I'm pretty insecure about myself so it will probably be hard for me to extend myself in a new community.
DD has a really tough time her last year of middle school but her freshmand year was so awesome that I don't want to mess with it! And like your DS, she seems to be on a good, solid, straight-and-narrow path. You know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it? DS hates school, but he has a few buddies he's pretty tight with and that seems to get him through the day. Add amazing grades on top of that and it's another thing that doesn't need fixing. If he were in a new school with no real friends, he'd hate it even worse.
The more I think about this, the worse I feel!
Thanks Sue. Now that I've read these posts and responded to them, I'm in the mindset to put a kabbosh on the whole idea. Moving might improve living costs, but I don't know that it would make our lives better, kwim? We'll still be the same people, with the same issues, living the same lives. I'm inclined to think (today anyway) that moving and putting the kids in a mostly unknown situation, schools, neighborhoods, etc. might add more stress and anxiety than I want to deal with. When we first moved here and DD started her first day at her new school, I was so anxious I cried nearly all day with worry.
Egad. I'm getting all anxious just thinking about it again.
DH just called and said he spoke to his manager about the position and manager said he'd support him in whatever DH wants to do.
Oh I already did! This morning in fact. Not a very active board, but coincidentialy there was a post from early June from a woman, also here in San Diego county, wanting to move to the area. There were several good responses, but no one mentioned the whole teenage/school/transition issue.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Yes. A good point.
That approach in today's world is pretty harsh, and it starts that whole process of getting to know other parents and kids before you can say, "Sure you can spend the evening over at XXX's house." It's a PITA.
On the entirely other side of the scale are couples in miserable situations who won't better their lives because little Suzie will be upset at the thought of a new environment. I think kids are more resilient than that. My post was prompted by a certain relative of mine in the above situation who wears his badge of martyrdom and misery with unabashed pride. Somewhere back in there was a point that's fading fast. lol.. I certainly didn't mean to imply that you fell into that extreme.
I know from your posts you will weigh all the factors and arrive at a decision based on what is best for everybody.
D
I've been thinking about this post and I've read the replies.
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Hey girl, sorry you're having such a confusing time. That would be a such a huge change in your lives if it happens.
I remember my teen years and we were all drinking, smoking pot, trying harder drugs, and having sex. Even the higher achieving kids into all kinds of extra curriculers (dangit, I can't spell tonight) I don't think that's changed too much.
You don't know that the friends he has now won't turn to drugs, alcohol, or whatever. Just today, the most wonderful human being and mother called me. Her son, who is straight A honor roll, outstanding at sports, etc... she read an e-mail he sent and found out he's been getting high and stole some money from a machine at a business.
My point, I guess, is that you really shouldn't be worried about "new" friends too much. The best kids can really surprise you.
Your post has kinda struck a chord with me... just this weekend I was thinking that I wanted to buy a motorcycle (totally surprised DH, hehe!), and that I wanted to start driving 18-wheelers again and traveling the country. I've got traveling fever.... kinda envious of you, haha.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
zz
I think this is a decision to be made between only you and H. Obviously you take into consideration the pros and cons of a move in regards to how the kids will be affected, but ultimately, it is not so much about them, but about your family unit as a whole.
Will this be the right move in regards to enabling H to be the provider he wants to be?
Are you happy enough where you are to the point that you're willing to compromise that issue? Are the children involved with all sorts of activities, friends and other families that a move will have a huge negative impact on them? Do you have strong roots in your current community OR are do they continue to be fragile?
Check out the new area, check out the schools, meet some people in that area and see for yourselves. Change is difficult, but with the right attitude and direction, everyone can adapt and grow from the experience. There may be a super future neighbor or best friend in the new city. There may be an amazing opportunity for ds to get involved in something he's never thought of before. You may find a great deal on a new home or discover something very unique to that area. You just never know.
Would it be possible for you and H to go explore the area first and then bring the kiddos with you to 'show it off' a bit? Going without the kids, IMO, would be a great way for you and H to have the time alone so you can make the decision based on what you discover and what suits the family as a whole. Remember, you can't please everyone all of the time. Best of luck -
I have. We moved to Nh when my son was in the middle of his 3rd grade year. I'd move again in a heart beat so long as my family was together.
stacy
Thanks everyone, for all the thoughts, suggestions and advice. It is all very helpful and great food for thought.
When the subject first came up, I was all for it. Then I started thinking about the whole starting over again (the kids, not so much me) in a new neighborhood, school, church, etc. and didn't want to move. Today, I'm thinking (again!) it wouldn't be such a bad thing.
Of course, since we came back from vacation less than a week ago, the kids have been super busy with friends, making plans, sleepovers, etc., which makes them happier and me more comfortable thinking it's not so bad here! I could continue to live here. I'm just going to make a major adjustment in my attitude and way of thinking.
DH and I didn't discuss it much last night. His manager told him he COULD transfer at the same grade/salary level, which is a good thing. The position is a step down from his current one and would put him back out in the field, working irregular hours, as opposed to his cush (but demanding) office position with pretty much 8-5 hours, which might not be such a good thing. The management staff at the Denver office is brand new, and an unknown to everyone so far and DH made that comment about the 'devil you know vs. the one you don't' ... or whatever it is.
So .... no decisions either way so far.
Thanks again for all your suggestions and advice. I will definitely keep you updated.
Julie
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