WWYD? In a quandry here............

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Registered: 05-11-1999
WWYD? In a quandry here............
3
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 12:08pm

Just found out from a dear friend's daughter that my dd was at a party about a week ago that I didn't know about. She told me that she was having a girl's night at her best friends house with another good friend. Then I noticed all last week that no one called here for her. So, Saturday I talked to dd about what is going on between her and her friends. She only gave me part of the story, but never told me about the party or the boy she was hot and heavily making out with. Who by the way her best friend really likes.

I am calling her father and stepmother today and she is going to be on house arrest for a very long time. Do they not realize the safety issues involved? Was she not thinking? I am just so upset on so many levels.

TIA,
Angie (mom to ds 18, dd 16, b/g twins 4)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 12:37pm

ouch...


first - do you know for sure that she was actually at this party and making out with the boy? you got this info from someone who is mad at her.


second - your dd is going thru a difficult time right now, if everyone is mad at her for some reason. she probably could use some support. i am not saying that you should let her off the hook if she indeed DID sneak around to a party etc. but it sounds like things are difficult for her.


third - you always have to be careful about 'over'punishing. again, not saying that she should just be allowed to do what ever she wants - but when you over punish, it can backfire, sometimes it causes the kids to think "well they don't trust me no matter what i do, and i have nothing else to lose so i might as well just do what i want"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-1999
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 1:38pm

Thank you for giving me some things to think about. I didn't get the information from someone that is mad at dd, I got it from another person dd confided in that doesn't go to the same school.

When dd and I talked on Saturday I did give her lots of support because she told me that her best friend was just upset with an honest thing she said to her. I told my dd that it was great that she was honest and that she did do it tactfully and I did empathize with what she was going through because I have been there recently myself.

You are right about overpunishing. What I really want from this situation is the lines of communication opening and we have some serious talks about how far she is into many things. (ie. drinking, drugs and sex)

Thanks again,
Angie


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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 2:26am
I have a big issue with being where you say you are gonna be. If you are gonna be at a friends house, be there. (um, if you are gonna go help a friend who ran out of gas, be there, this is a familiar story to me!) My kid screwed up just very recently, this past weekend. Now, he can't go anywhere that's not already scheduled (that would be school and work...) until further notice. When he's released from that, I have to talk to the adult in charge before he can leave! I hate that. I know kids aren't always where they are supposed to be, but they can make some serious mistakes if we dont' expect that. I've been telling my kids for years, only be missing for however long you want to lay in a ditch in pain hoping someone finds you soon. If you are supposed to be at HER house, but you decide to go to HIS house instead, sneaking around to do it (that's bad...) and you get in an accident on the way, we'll be looking for between here and HER house, not HIS. You could be in pain a long time before we figure out where you actually went and find you. I try hard to put some of the worry on them. And I model that same thing for them. If I'm driving 2 hours away, I call someone and tell them I'm leaving, where I'm going, how long it should take and my general route. Then, when I arrive, I call that same person and tell them I've arrived. I've had many people think I was crazy for that, until my car broke down a full 7 hours from home!!! Turns out, I was just right where I should have been, so getting help to me was much easier. Ah, I'm rambling. It scares the crap out of me when kids to this, and I cringe at the number of times I did it as a kid