WWYD--verydisturbing info on DD's email
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WWYD--verydisturbing info on DD's email
| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 11:28pm |
I am despearte for some advice! Although I have monitoring software on my DD's computer (long story), I don't read it regularly unless there is some trigger (coming in way after curfew; I think (know) she's lying about where she was, and I want the truth). Well she just got caught sneaking out of the house , and so I read her email. She mentions that she passed out at the party she went to and now "has bruises on her back." Also, she keeps brushing off a lot of her friends --isn't answering their phone calls or emails-- who keep asking about what happened at the party and I know she had a fight w/ one of the girls I suspect was there too. She did write to one friend and she told her (the friend) that she thinks somebody dropped something in her drink. I'm really worried she was raped and have NO idea how to handle this. Help please ......

Hello,
This is a frightening situation you are in, but if you feel there is
a chance she was raped then you need to go to her and tell her. Does
she know that you monitor and/or read her e-mails? If so, then there
should be no problem with you addressing this issue to her. If she
does not know, I would still take this matter up with her in case
she was in fact raped. This is not something to pass up lightly.
In either case, you need to find out exactly where she was, who she
was with and what happened. Talk to her first about it and she what
information she will divulge to you. Tell her that this is serious
and that she should be truthful with you. Why is she not answering
her friends calls? Could they know something that would help? Good
Luck!
I agree that you really need to get involved here. It's summer now -- how likely are you to catch your DD in a swimsuit? That would put the bruises on her back on display and you can then question her.
The "I've been monitoring my DS/DD's email/IM/chat activity and find something disturbing. How do I address this without my DS/DD knowing I snooped" subject comes up fairly often here. Don't feel guilty or ashamed, as it appears that most parents DO monitor their teens' on-line activities to some extent. It is a sad fact that we live in a dangerous world these days and teenagers don't have the same sense of the dangers that we, as adults, do.
The advice that seems to be most common is to tell your DD that you know/heard/learned/ etc., that she was at a party that got out of hand. Tell her it doesn't matter HOW you know, just that you know, and that you are concerned about some of the things you heard. You can be as general or as specific as you want -- "I heard there were date-rape drugs used at that party" or something like that.
Let your DD know you are very concerned about this and about her 'alleged' presence at the party and let her tell you her side of the story and you can take it from there.
If she doesn't 'fess up, then ... well, then I don't know what to do! Perhaps others on the board will have better advice.
Oh your poor daughter.
Sit down with your daughter immediately and tell her that you read her email. Hug her and tell her that you love her. As one woman to another you understand the fear she is feeling. You are not there to get angry with her. You want to help her. No matter what, she is your daughter and you will be there for her. If she was raped, it wasn't her fault.
If someone put a mickey in her drink, she is the victim. Those bruises are very suspicious. This has to be investigated,for her sake. The kids who did this are no friends of hers. Even if she wasn't raped (and I pray she wasn't), drugging someone is a criminal offence.
Tell her that the police must be called and that you will be with her every step of the way. They are very understanding, in these situations. Do you have a family doctor? I would call the doctor NOW and asked for advice. A pregnancy and STD test should be done as soon as possible. He might know if they can test for traces of the drug in her blood stream and tell you and your daughter about the "tell tale" signs of being drugged.
Good luck
I'll been thinking of you and your daughter.
I'm like you in that I monitor dd14's emails and my space account precisely for this reason. She knows I monitor, but has no idea to what extent. I've seen things on the computer log that bother me but I don't bring up b/c they're minor, and I want to be able to catch the "big things". This is a HUGE one, and you better believe I would tell her that I know, whether you want to tell her you were monitoring the computer, or in some other way that you know, please do tell her immediately! You did not mention how old your dd is. I wonder how often she drinks, for instance, and how often you have allowed her to go these parties. What are the consequences for her if she sneaks out, as she did? Consider putting her in counseling.
I put my own dd in therapy more than a year ago when I found out she had been cutting herself, and starting to engage in risky behaviours. I would have never known any of it if I hadn't snooped, but I did b/c I just knew something was up. She has now gone from a girl who used to wear black nail polish and mostly black clothing, to a girl who is starting to wear bright colors again - and is no longer depressed. Therapy, with the right counselor, can work wonders. By the way, we only found someone she liked on the third try, and I've heard it takes some time to find the right fit, but boy is it worth it.