Young Adult Problem Daughter
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| Mon, 06-04-2007 - 11:18am |
My DD really is no longer a teen even though emotionally she still is. I have been battling these issues since she was 15, she is now about to turn 22. She has ran away from home several times in her teen years, she stayed away the last time until she was arrested for drug paraphenalia possession when her ex bf was arrested for drug possesion. So, of course, when she was in jail with no where to go she called me to bail her out. I didn't bail her out so she stayed there for 2 months and I agreed to let her come home after that. That was a year ago this past Feb. so this is the longest she has been home at one time since she was 15.
She also has a 3 year old son who did live with his paternal aunt from the time he was 5 months old until Oct 06 when he came to live with me and my DD. We went to court in Feb and I now have custody. She was going for custody but she had a car accident in Jan and broke her ankle so she has been out of work until April.
The issue now is that she and my husband(step parent) do not get along. He feels she is lazy and uses people for all she can. I don't disagree on some points but I don't feel it is as bad as he makes it out to be.
Last night was a big brawl after he finally asked her freind to leave with her 2 kids who were sleeping in my living room. My DD doesn;t understand why this is an issue for us to have her freind & 2 kids at our house for extended periods of time several times a week. I have spoken to her many times and explained that we don't mind her having company but it has to be in moderation, not for entire days or weekends.
I am just at the end of my rope, I know she is an adult but that doesn't change my feelings. My husband isn't an easy person to deal with either and 3 1/2 years ago he had a stroke which has only made the situation tougher. I am the one that wants to run away now.

I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see if I will be you in a few years...my 17dd is difficult for various issues, some medical, some just personality and my biggest fear is that she will never grow up completely and take responsibility for herself and her actions. Over the past couple of years, I've let her take the fall for herself and have seen her mature and develop...it's kind of been like 2 steps forward one step back. She still has a ways to go and I'm most certainly not going to toss her out on her ear, but I worry that one day I may have to.
Which leads me to your situation. The more you seemingly help your dd out, the less she will help herself. The home you share with your H comes first and foremost. She may be family and it's okay to allow her to stay with you, and she should be able to have friends visit, but it is not okay for her friends to use your home as a flophouse. Sorry, I am 100% in agreement with your H in this regard. It sounds like it's already trying enough to have your dd there again. Add a stranger and some kids into the mix and it's no wonder your H is flipping mad. I'd be mad too!
We frequently have many of my dd's friends over our house. In fact, we have this one young man who is a friend of the family and he will sometimes come for a night and spend 3-4 days. Atfirst it's okay, but he has a tendency to take over the whole house! H goes insane and even I reach my limits. I love him, but having him for more than 2 days is too much. We end up having to come up with a story to make him go home. lol. This upcoming weekend we already put the word out that our home is off limits - H and I want to be left alone for 3 days.
I think it's well within your rights to place limits on visitors. I would even go so far as to ban overnight guests of dds. It's a matter of prioritizing the order of your life. First comes your marriage with your H and both of your health. Next comes your grandson, since you are his legal guardian and last comes your dd. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality. Your dd needs to live her own life and be responsible for herself - when does your enabling end and her capability begin, kwim? Your home needs some order in it and as long as dd and her friends are ruling the roost, there will be none.
Many hugs, this must be so hard on you. You're being spread thin to meet everyone's needs and no one is meeting yours. I'm sorry you're being placed in this position. Try to focus on just you, your H and your grandson right now and less on hurting your dd's feelings by asking her friends to leave. It's just necessary for everyone's peace of mind, isn't it?
Thank you so much for putting into words many of things I feel. Yes, I do agree that my H has every right to be angry and yesterday I was angry. I tried to explain to my dd after her freind had finally left that as simple as it may seem I feel as though I can't go and have a snack or walk around in my nightie in my own home because I have extra people there. I don't want her to feel as though her freinds aren't welcome because they are and as I have said to her on many occasions, there has to be some moderation to these visits.
Well, I spoke with her today, she did come back this AM after I was at work and has told me that she and her freind are looking for an apartment to share. FINE with me. She has no problem with me keeping her son, I really don't think she will ever want full custody back unless she really grows up. As sad as it is I feel she is too self centered and selfish to be a Mom.
That's fine, I will keep him until he is grown and she knows at this point she would do severe harm by trying to remove him and I am sure no judge would allow it. I think she gets jealous because he always wants me to do for him, whatever it may be but he knows she only wants him when it is convenient.
Thanks again, you said a lot of things I needed to hear from as outside source. Good luck with yours, I will keep you in my prayers.
I agree that your priorites should be your dh, your grandon and last of all your dd.
Good luck, I hope that she does move. However, you cannot count on it until you see it. Don't let her little announcement make you feel like the pressure is off. It isn't.
"My DD doesn't understand why this is an issue for us to have her freind & 2 kids at our house for extended periods of time several times a week."
I don't think that you should believe this, either. She may be self-centered, but you did not say she was stupid. She KNOWS that she is imposing, and that she is making you and your husband uncomfortable. However, her fun with her friend is more important. Please don't make the mistake of telling your husband that she "doesn't understand." In his shoes, that would only increase my blood pressure.