young engagment

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
young engagment
9
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:09pm

I was reading over the post on promise rings and just wanted to put in two cents and get some thoughts.

My 19 dd has a promise ring. They have said it is a pre-engagement ring. She has finished her first year of college, he is entering college in the fall. They have discussed getting engaged and even marrying when she finishes her associate degree. She is going to be a nurse so she can finish in 2 1/2 years and take her state boards and start working. He will still be in school but they have talked about marrying and him finishing school.

My dd has been looking at engagement rings, you know how girls are. He is saying he wants to get engaged after he finishes his first year of college, dd wants a little sooner. This is actually funny, she told him if she gets her engagement ring, that counts for a whole year worth of presents that he won't have to buy haha.

If anyone has a chance, I am just curious how other moms feel. Neither set of parents have any objections to them getting engaged. His mom is a little more overprotective than I am, she may be want them to wait a little, but his family loves my dd. He is a great young man and we love him too.

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:21pm

I would hope for my boys that they wait to get married until after they are out of college, preferably started into their career.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:39pm

They are within driving distance of each other. They will be able to see each other at least once a week. She will be staying the weekends with him in his dorm. Well when I hear that out loud, I would kinda prefer they get engaged, but they will be adults and we will have to let them make their own decisions.

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:58pm

If it was my child, I would prefer that they wait until they are both out of school and working before they actually got married. My DD is studying nursing also, and there are a lot of jobs out there, so she could get a job and they could get an apt. near his college, but to me that's kind of depriving him of the full experience of college being married while he is going to school.

I didn't have any friends who got married while they were still in college. I do know of a few couples who got married right after who are still married and then again some who did and are divorced now. I do think the divorce rate is higher for people who get married at a young age because they really haven't developed a true sense of who they are, but it is still possible for it to work.

I have a cousin the same age as me (49). She was one of the ones who got married right after college and stayed married. She has 2 DDs who are teachers, who are maybe 22 & 24. Everytime they get a BF, it seems like she says "this might be the one." like she is very anxious for them to get married, where to me, I would prefer that my kids be at least in their late 20's. I was pretty shocked when my DD said that she would like to get married and have kids young. Of course, she doesn't even have a BF, so I'm not worried about that now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:09pm

I thought after college would be better too. I am just thinking that they will eventually move in together, I guess they won't be the first unmarried couple to do that, and certainly not the last. In that case, again I say, I would at least like them to be enggaged!!! So I guess I am agreeing with my dd when she says she would like to get engaged.

Andie

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:31pm

My sister and her H were sweethearts in HS - they met in their senior year. They already had thier college plans in place and wound up some 10 hours apart. They ran up horrific phone bills (that was before cells) and it was difficult, but they survived for a year like that. At that point my BIL moved to a school nearer to my sister's but my sister dropped out of college and moved back near home. The final year of BIL's college, my sister moved into an apt with him as he finished school. They were married the October following his bachelors graduation and he sought his masters right after that. They went on to start a family and when her youngest was around 9, she went back to college and got her degree. It took a long time, but she did it. They are the closest, most loyal and loving couple I know. Sometimes, all the stars are aligned and it works!

OTOH, I've known couples with similar backgrounds and once they were married, all the romance was sucked out of the relationship and they divorced only a year or so later. It really depends.

My hope would be that each of them acquire thier respected degrees and live independently of one another until they marry. I just think that they are really young and in today's age they will be bombarded with so many outside forces that they should be certain that this is the ONE person they want to be with forever. And I would pray that they aren't all caught up in the romantic notions of being engaged and married. Perhaps it is from my own experience with a failed first marriage that I speak. When I married the first time around I was not financially independent and that made it very difficult to leave. If that were to happen today, I know I could make it in a heartbeat. I would always want my son or daughter to know that they make it on thier own, broken heart and everything. But I tend to be a realist these days. I used to be such a romantic. Haha-

Bottom line is that your two lovebirds will do what they want anyway!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:45pm

I know it's wierd to think about your own child living w/ a man and not being married. I was in my 40's and living w/ my 2nd DH for a year before we got married (and I wouldn't have lived w/ him w/o being engaged) and I was still kind of embarrassed to tell my mother. But what if they live together and then decide it's not for them? Will your DD feel any pressure to stay w/ him since they are engaged?

I think a lot of young girls (and I don't know your DD) get so caught up in the "wedding" that they forget about the marriage. I loved everything about planning a wedding. BTW, I didn't get married the 1st time until I was 27 and had a job. DH was 25 and worked too. By that time, I was all done w/ school and ready to get married. Even when I was in law school, I had another serious BF, who I thought I was going to marry (and didn't) but I didn't want to get married until after school cause I knew I couldn't concentrate on studying if I was married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 4:37pm

I was engaged at 19 and dh and I will celebrate a very happy 15 years of marriage next month. We've been together for nearly 20 years though and we waited until we both finished school before we actually married. Graduating in 1991 and getting married in 1992.

My big sister was already married at 19 and has been happily married for 30+ years. She has four grandkids (5th on the way) and her youngest just got her masters degree.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 7:09pm
They are of age so it's up to them. Living together is actually the lesser of two evils.
As long as there is no kids involved, I personally have no problems with two self-supporting adults living together. In most cases they don't stay together so it's better than getting married too young & ending up divorced. Young adults change so much in their 20s. The person who might want to marry at 20 is not going to be the same person you will consider at 25 or 30. You know yourself better;you have a better idea of where you ae going & what you want out of life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: andie3157
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:35pm

My DS gave his DW a promise ring shortly before they turned 20 - which for them was a committment to become engaged when she finished college (he was due to finish first).