A 'Young Man' Situation - daddio?
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| Mon, 10-09-2006 - 2:16pm |
I have a situation and I'm wondering what any of you with teenage boy experience (or who were formerly teenage boys, like daddio) would tell me. My ds16 (okay, 17 in 7 days - I'm hanging on here) is in a band with mostly other 16/17 yo's, but one 19 yo. They've been doing shows now for a while, right in town which is fine. There are only two in the band that drive and one of them is the 19 yo. Now they have scheduled a show in Santa Cruz (which is a beach resort town about 45 minutes from us on a windy mountain road). Son is now telling me he will look like a _____ (insert word here) if he has a parent go along, and that the 19 yo will be beside himself if a parent of anyone attends, being as he is officially "legal". Mind you, my dh is a concert sound engineer and knows his way around a stage, but being a parent makes him automatically uncool. I really want my dh to go along - no way do I feel comfortable letting my (he will be 17 by then) ds go with a 19 yo driving to a show that far away. I do know at some point I have to loosen those apron strings but is this the time to do it? I know he is about to become a "man" (not that he shows any indications of being ready for the responsibility that entails, etc.) I've never allowed ds to go that far on a drive with any teenager. This is a dangerous road (I don't mean that figuratively, btw), for anyone not familiar with it. A bunch of teenage boys caravaning to a nearby resort town with no adult supervision - sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
What should I do?

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I do not have teen boys but I can tell you how I handled similar situation when DD reached that age. I would ask my best friend's DD and her b/f to go along with them. Her DD is 24 and the b/f is 25. This young lady loves my DDs as if they are her sisters and would fight tooth and nail to protect her. Since her b/f really likes DDs b/f, they were happy to help out with this. Plus my DD often picks up her little brother and does things with him so we consider this to be a "family type trade". The older kids in the "family" watch out for each other when parents can't be available (or aren't allowed). If my friend's DD couldn't go and DD insisted that parents weren't allowed, then she wouldn't be going. I don't think I would be any different with a son. I might even be more strict b/c I remember all the stuff my big brothers used to do when mom wasn't looking (LOL).
Good Luck!
LOL.. The pressure’s on..
I have no real words of wisdom. My boys were not musicians, and my experience was limited to the symphony...but here’s some thoughts FWTW...
Insert nightmare here -> ...Dad’s wearing a loud hawaiian shirt, baggy bermuda shorts, black support stockings pulled up to his knees, and sandals..He’s following DS around like a puppy dog, shouting to anyone within ear shot – “THAT’S MY BOY!”...
Of course I’m exaggerating and being silly, but is your DS afraid of embarrassment? Does he have some sort of unrealistic fear over dad tagging along? It doesn’t take much at that age. I would think your DH being a sound jockey would be kinda cool for DS.
Is this an overnight? If so, I personally would say all bets were off for an unsupervised trip.
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Perhaps, only from his perspective to the other band members. No one else would notice. I wonder if the other parents of the underage kids are having the same conversation? Any chance of grouping heads with the other parents?
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This sounds like something a typical 17 yr old would come up with. If the 19 yr. old *actually* said this, I would be very concerned.
Also, the age dynamics are a bit awkward. (The ringleader at the ripe old age of 19). There’s been a lot of interesting material and songs written about the antics of “the boys in the band.” I’d trust your gut on this one. The bottom line is how well you trust this 19 yr old. He's the key. If he starts bad stuff, you usually can't realistically expect your DS to sit in the corner and say, "I ain't doin that sh.."...
I sure wish I had that type of situation, it would be a no-brainer for me. The closest thing to that for me would be my much younger brother who is still pretty cool to my ds, but he lives in Utah and in fact is visiting right now so he won't be around on the 28th. :(
ROFL - that's exactly the way he sees it, although far from the way it really "is". No matter how cool dh is, though, he is still the dad and I don't think you can rise above that in terms of coolness...sure, it's kinda cool that dad is in the music scene when it suits his purposes, I guess...
And no, it's most definitely not an overnight. That would never fly with me. You bring up a good point in that I should talk to the other parents of the younger kids - unfortunately one of them is a deadbeat parent whose opinion I don't really value anyway. So that leaves two other parents, besides the 19 yo's.
I'm going to try hard to figure out a way in which they will "need" my dh to be present, for example they are talking of recording and dh has purchased several new microphones to that end. Perhaps he can come along and say he is going to attempt a live recording. It doesn't mean that ds has to ride with him - but it would make me feel better if he was available to give him a ride back if necessary.
What is most frustrating about dh is that he has a pretty stubborn "I don't care what other people" think attitude, which irritates my ds to no end of course, since he very much cares what others think at his age.
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I totally agree Marie. Did you know that my first (and thankfully only) 'real' accident was on the very road to Santa Cruz that you mention? And in broad daylight, no less. It is a very unsafe road and I remember my DM being very upset with me when as a new driver, I took myself and a couple friends over the hill to the beach.
If it were me, I would insist on driving DS up there ... and as many other band members I had room for, or equipment or whatever else needs transporting. (I might even consider renting a van for the night so that everyone and everything could go in one vehicle and in one trip.) Surely these teenagers can appreciate the convenience of that offer? Especially with the prices of gas being what it is. I would help unload at the door of the venue and then disappear -- find a coffee shop or bookstore to hang out in while I waited for the performance to be over. (Actually, I'd probably be sleeping in the car!)
Then I'd show up when it was time for DS' band to wrap up their show, help load it all back up and drive it all back home again.
I can see where you wouldn't want DS to NOT attend or play in the show, that's what being in a band is all about, isn't it? You can tell your DS and his fellow band members that it will be a late night, they will be tired, it's not a safe or easy drive, etc. and how convenient it would be if they had their own roadie and chauffeur for the evening?
I wouldn't be surprised if the parents of the other young band members are having the same concerns you and your DH are. Maybe you can talk to them all and see if they would be willing to pitch in for the cost of renting a van, and that your DH is willing to do the driving?
Just an idea ...
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This sounds like a variation on "no one else's parents will be there" and SO WHAT - you don't have to parent like everyone else's parents. Do I sound like my mother here LOLOL?!
I'd say your DH should go along - to heck with an insulted 19yo - that goes in the category of "not my problem". DH and DS can make a deal about 'rules' for not embarrassing DS. At Open School day at DD's school ("mom, no one's parents goes to these things!" lol), I jokingly (but semi-seriously) asked if I could talk to teachers, to other kids, and who should I *not* talk to (don't talk to 'K' the major crush, OK?). I think if DS can lay out some non-geeky rules, maybe he'll feel more in control.
Sue
Yep-my thoughts exactly!
If the concern is the drive-and I totally get that-drive them and disappear.
I'm going to break with the crowd just a little bit here... What kind of driving experience do the drivers have?
Is the main concern a drive on a treacherous roadway, assuming this is a relatively short gig then return home?
Or do I have the lyrics to Grand Funk Railroad, “We’re an American Band” stuck in my head which is unduly affecting me.... :-)
Either way, I still think that underage musicians in a strange town, or on a long road trip is not the best unsupervised activity. I’m sure your DH won’t hover. Let the 19 yr old deal.
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I hope to get to that point one day, lol. But then again, I've always been a little paranoid when anyone else drives!
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