Youth Group Challenge
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| Thu, 06-08-2006 - 12:16pm |
Well, I could have predicted this one back in December. Here goes ... I think it's gonna be a long one ...
About three years ago, DH and I made the decision to visit other churchs other than the one we belonged to and were active in, because we were concerned with the direction in which the church was headed. (Letting the youth directors 'go' so their salaries could be used to purchase high-end, and imo unnecessary, appliances for the new church kitchen.)
We bounced around for quite a while, stayed with a couple churches for month at a time, but never really found one that was home. I was especially concerned about this because I really wanted DD to find and get involved with a youth group. She went to a few activities at one church, but never really felt welcome there even though a large number of the group were students at her school. At another church (one of those mega-gigantic ones) with an enormous and hugely active youth group, she was intimidated by the size and wouldn't even attend Sunday school. Neither child would actually. They were both quite happy to stay in the sanctuary with me and DH. The service and music at this church are excellent so they enjoyed them as much as we did.
Anyway, back in November, DD asked if we could return to our old church for the holidays. I wasn't at all sure what drove that request but we did and there we still are. Both kids are now involved in the youth group. There are new directors now (being paid, I assume) who bring their two small boys (6? 7?) and the group is quite tiny. A handful of middle-school boys, two 7th grade girls who attend only sporadically, and three sr high kids -- DD and two 16yo boys. Because the group is so tiny, they all meet together. Until recently, DD said she didn't mind because she like the leaders so much.
Well, things haven't been going so well. The ms boys get out of control just about every week. The hs boys then lower themselves down to that level (instead of being role models) and it turns into one big, loud free-for-all with boys wrestling, horsing around and being knuckleheads. DD said they don't really even try to sit down and do activities or have a discussion anymore. The younger boys just can't handle it. One Sunday the older boys were throwing a record album around (taken off the wall that was being used as a decoration) as a frisbee and hit DS in the face, slicing his lip and face right open. He still wears a scar from that.
This is DS' first experience with a youth group and he doesn't quite know what to do or how to act. He wants to fit in, so he goes the loud knucklehead route, or starts pestering DD, which annoys her no end and they both come home mad at each other.
Being the only hs girl is also discouraging for DD. While the two ms girls welcome her very warmly when they do attend, they are just orbiting in different galaxies. For example, last night the two girls got into a water fight at the drinking fountain, DD was playing catch with the leaders' boys and DS was doing something loud and obnoxious. That was how they spent their evening. I'd almost have preferred them both to stay home.
I need to find something else for DD. Unfortunately, because she chose an out-of-district hs and has a much more demanding academic load, she has lost contact with the majority of her ms friends and her new hs friends live miles away. We live in a Dullsville with a bunch of unfriendly and clique-y people. I don't want her to spend her summer alone with me or all those stupid AP Euro textbooks. She would like to find another group too, but knows how hard it is to walk into one as a 'new kid', fit right in and get involved -- it can be overwhelming, even for the most confident teen.
Help? Any suggestions?

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Not sure how you'd react religiously or if it's even an option, but the three youth groups I joined (all at different times!) as a preteen and teen were with my girlfriends, each of a different religion than me (and of each other!), so it really didn't phase my parents at all as they knew the kids and parents involved. I still have very fond memories of all three.
Sue
Well that's just it ... none of the friends she has close to home even attend a youth group at all. She goes to a Catholic school about an hours' drive from home, we're not Catholic, but all school friends are. I'm hoping to find ways for her to get involved with something close to home that would afford her the same sort of fellowship opportunities.
Thanks for your input!
First of all, talk with the pastor or the program director or youth coordinator (adult volunteer - not the youth director) or the education committee chairperson, etc. about the problem at the current church. Maybe they are not fully aware of the problem and may be able to solve it very easily - rotate parent volunteers with the group to help keep control. Or have one regular extra adult whose job is to keep kids on track. College interns also help some with this although you have to be careful or they can be as bad as the kids. The youth directors may also need to find some literature that the youth are actually interested in - get one or two help them pick it out. GEt another one or two to help find activities that go along with the lessons. If the youth take some ownership in the program, they will become more involved with the programs.
If that doesn't help, I would call other churches in the area and talk to the pastor, program director, a youth parent, etc. Ask how many kids in each age group are active, do they keep them together or split them up, what is a typical youth meeting like, do they do mission work or just fun stuff or no fun stuff at all? How much of the lessons are devoted to faith building (Bible study, prayer, salvation, etc) or topical issues (peer pressure, drinking, etc). You will get a sense of the groups and the people involved simply by how comfortable they are in answering all your questions. You may consider letting DD be on the other line and asking any questions she may have. Yes, let her ask how many boys vs girls are in the sr high if that's what she wants to know.
It is a huge challenge for a youth leader to have such a wide age range together but it can be done. I do it alot of Sunday nights. If the crowd is large enough, even 6 or 7, we have an activity together (game), then we split for separate lessons on the same topic and come back together to recap what each group did during their lesson time. We have ages 11 to 18 in the group. We have lost a few of our older ones b/c of the immaturity of the younger ones but this is also a natural age that some youth will quit coming anyway so its hard to say for sure. Right now, we may have 2 sr high for Sunday and 10 mid high for Sunday School but we still keep them separate. The only time we bring them together is if we have 1 sr high and they are asked first if they want to join the other group or if one of the teachers is suddenly not available and we can't find a replacement at the last minute. We are also considering moving our 8th graders up a couple of months early b/c they are calm and they are starting to be annoyed by the younger ones.
Please talk to DD and find out if she wants to stay or go elsewhere. You may wind up with two kids in two different places. I've known alot of families like that. Attending church together is extremely important but having them involved and happy is more important than always being together. The entire family could attend one church for Sunday a.m. but then she could go elsewhere for youth activities or you could rotate or whatever.
Good Luck and I hope this helped some.
Well of course there are other things for her to be involved in! Please don't interpret this to mean I only want her involved in things affiliated with a church, cuz that's just not the case. There have been a few discussions on youth groups here in the past and some really good discussion threads. DD has told me directly she would like to find one with more kids (and girls) in her age group so that's why I posted here.
DD will be playing tennis this summer, re-connecting with her guitar and hopefully getting some volunteer work in. This was specific to the youth group issue and my DD's desire to be active and involved with teens in an environment that should encourage and enforce values that are similar to her own.
Very helpful, tobylady -- thanks. It never occurred to me to actually 'shop' around for a youth group. I could see how making a few phone calls, asking questions and getting a feel for how different groups operate would be a good thing. If DD had an active role in chosing a new group (and I don't have any hesitations about her and DS attending different ones -- might actually be a good thing) it would be even better.
Anyway, we have a virus infection on our PC's at home so I am at the library for a quick post and have to rush out to pick DD up from school. Last day and its' a short one!
Thanks again for your input -- great advice, as usual.
Julie
Actually, the "shopping around" idea came from a former pastor of mine. DH and I were dating at the time and there were no college age people or even young married couples in this church so he taught us Sunday School but he realized we needed a class to be a part of so he called around and found us a new church. We've been at this church for almost 30 years now and it is most definitely home for us.
A good youth group can make a huge difference in a teen's life and in their future. I hope this works out well for you and DD.
Something tobylady said got me wondering...would you be willing to check out any church groups at any local universities, or would college-age kids be 'too old' for you to want her to hang out with?
Sue
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I think so. DD's just 14, and while a bit of an 'old-soul', she's not very street-wise and would probably be intimidated by college age kids.
I talked to her about tobylady's idea last night and she was quite agreeable to that.
Thanks for your thoughts!
I talked to DD about your idea yesterday afternoon and she thought it sounded like a really good one. After her last final yesterday, she had a major adrenaline crash and I just let her be and didn't pursue it any further than that. We'll talk more about it next week. DS still has one more week of school, so she and I will have some time together.
There is another mom in the neighborhood who has been praying for her (16yo and mostly troubled, but getting better) DD to go to church/youth group with her, (the mom, not my DD) so even though the two girls are worlds apart in personality and experiences, I am thinking of asking the mom to see if her DD would consider visiting other yg's with mine just to have someone to walk in the door with -- once I have something lined up. KWIM? Do you think that's a terrible idea? I don't think they've ever really spoken to each other, but it's far easier to walk into a new situation with someone else, than all alone.
I was also pretty impressed last week when DD told me she wanted to start a new club at her hs next year for students who aren't Catholic, for fellowship and faith study opportunities and maybe even find someone who can give them communion. Although we're not Catholic, she attends a school that is and non-Catholics, while required to attend, cannot participate in the monthly masses or liturgies and can't take communion. DD sings with the choir, but mostly the students of different faiths just stand or sit there. DD knows of at least 9 students from just two of her classes this year who aren't Catholic, so we figure there is at least that number in every grade.
She realizes this is going to be a tough one to present to the school administration though! I may have to hop over to the Private Schools board to get some advice on this one -- if there even is a Private Schools board. I remember seeing one a while back.
Julie
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