Youth leader and confidentiality ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Youth leader and confidentiality ?
11
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 6:08pm

I've been gone a while since my kids are almost out of the teens but some of you probably remember me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 7:11pm




I remember you Lia!


Personally, I'd be talking with this kid a lot about what he's into, and straightening up his life, but not tell his parents - which in this situation will likely make things worse rather than better.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 9:43pm

Hi Lia!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:08pm

Lia,


I remember you too, and it's good to "see you" here again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:24pm

Hi again, Lia.


I guess I'll throw my two cents in as

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 9:21am
Hey Lia!
Pam
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 9:38am

HI Lia! I also remember you, nice to see you again! I agree with Rose as well. I think that if you and the church are the only positive force in his life, you should do all you can to be there for him. Be his confidante, listen to him, find ways of getting you rmessage across to him without lecturing. He obviously trusts you and knows that you're not just another adult trying to tell him what to do. He sees something in you that he needs and that speaks volumes about your integrity.


I think that if you are ever questioned by the church or parents, you have nothing to hide, as you're not doing anything wrong. I think it's great that you are there for this young man - you have the opportunity to make a HUGE difference in the kind of man he becomes!

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 9:43am
I would talk to your pastor and get his/her advice about the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 4:35pm

I just wanted to say 'hi' too, Lia!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 10:51pm

Thanks for all your wonderful and supportive thoughts. Tonight before worship started A was sitting toward the back, away from the rest of the youth. DH and I walked and sat on the pew in front of A. As is my usual greeting with any of the kids, I asked how A's week was going. He said pretty bad. For 2 days, he's been lectured and yelled at by parents, step-parents, crisis counselors, etc b/c he's fairly close to being expelled. He is suspended yet again for dress code violation. He told me he may as well be expelled b/c his grades are so low, there's no way he can pass. I asked him if home schooling would work better for him. I'm usually not a big fan but if it would work better for him - why not? He said that's not an option. I simply told him how sad it would make me for him to be expelled or drop out, that I see alot of potential in him - he's very intelligent, creative, and a child of God with alot to offer and it's sad to see him not living up to his potential. He quickly changed the subject to the lecture the youth director gave him about the whip-its. I told him I was seriously thinking about giving him one of my famous mommy lectures. He told me not to bother - I couldn't say anything that hadn't already been sad. I told him that I could tell him that I care about him and whip-its do have some danger associated with them and I don't want to see him hurt. He didn't respond and service started. When we had communion, I went right before him and asked him to go to the altar to pray with me. He hesitated, I said please, he agreed and then asked what he was praying for. I told him I wanted him to have peace in his life. So we went to the altar, knelt and I whispered a prayer for God to give A peace and contentment in his life and that A is a unique child of God that needs God's guidance and support. When service was over, he told me that he would rethink school - he promised his g/f at the first of the year that he would try. Funny thing is - he has a completely different g/f now. I asked him to please think about giving it a try and to call me if he just needed someone to bounce ideas off of. All in all, I think it was a few baby steps in the right direction anyway.

In a way, this is harder b/c he's not mine. I am having to parent the way we should probably all parent all the time - trying to get our kids to "do right" for themselves instead out of fear of our consequences. It sure is easier though when you can add the fear of consequences at home. As many of you know, I'm a huge fan of extra chores to work off punishment but I can't do this with him. Instead I have to find a way to get his teen-age brain to see the long-term, lifelong consequences of his actions. What teen thinks for the long-haul? The only short-term consequence that I may even begin to have for him is the disappointment and concern for him that I express. He seemed to respond tonight to my talk about his potential.

I don't really know what goes on in his homes but I have met the parents and it's no stretch to believe what he tells me. Plus, he lives with mom one month and then dad the next. Neither mom nor dad seem to have earned any respect from A. His step-father has earned a little but it seems that everytime sf starts to make a little progress mom undoes it all.

Again, thanks for all your support now and in the past. BTW, the girls are doing well. Oldest graduated grad school and is working (YAY). Youngest is still in college and is still finding drama whenever possible. The difference is I no longer feel the need the "fix it" for her. I listen to her, occassionally throw my 2cents in and then let it go. Right now, the problem is with her roommate. Roommate's b/f got drunk last semester and attacked DD. DD's b/f knocked the door in (on DD's head) before she was seriously hurt but DD and roommate (her lifelong best friend) and only speaking to argue now. It seems every little thing sets one of them off but you know what - they both choose to stay as roommates this fall even after the huge blow-up last spring so I'm just looking at this as a lesson in life and thinking about the future. On a more positive note, DD (yes the one with severe ADD) has a 4.0 GPA and is ahead of schedule by one semester. She's still dating the same guy and he still drinks pretty heavily but so far DD hasn't gone down that path too often - it seems her acid reflux and drinking do NOT mix and since she doesn't like to throw up she doesn't drink. I'll take it!

Again, thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 10:33am

tobylady,


I, too, am glad to "see" you again. You have always given such good advice - please continue to hang around.


Also, bless you for taking an interest in this boy and (maybe) giving him some things to think about. Sometimes change comes slowly, so I think if you continue to be there for him, it will ultimately make a difference. This world surely needs more people like you!


Hugs,


Amelia


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