Daughter is pregnant!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Daughter is pregnant!
7
Thu, 07-05-2012 - 1:51pm

I am new to this board.  Mother of 3 daughters. Oldest just told me she was pregnant.  She has been going through difficult times for several years now and just recently told me she was raped in high school.  Her boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her last fall and she considered taking her life.  She has been in therapy for a couple years now and on lexapro.  Then this spring a good friend of hers admitted he liked her and wanted to take her out on a date when they were both home for the summer.  I was so happy to hear this because I really like him.  Well, they weren't even in a steady relationship and had sex.  Now she is pregnant.  Both families know. When we met with him and his family I left feeling very resentful to them.  Basically, he is going to study abroard fall semester ("oh he can't get out of it") and because he is so driven in school he doesn't have the time or want for a serious relationship.  That was what his mother said not him.  My daughter doesn't seem to have a whole lot of emotion about the situation, and I keep loosing my temper.  I hate being angry at her but I am.  She says this was her first time having sex, and even though it may be hard to believe to some people, I believe her. Abortion is not an option for us and I hope she gives it up for adoption.  Her whole life will be turned upside down and put on hold.  She is a junior in college.  I won't let her live on campus this fall; however, she is fortunate she can commute.  Then in the spring she will need to take time off.

I don't know how to react to her loss of emotion.  Why isn't she crying? Angry? Acting scared?  She knows NOTHING about being pregnant and I am constantly telling her what she can and can't do.

I am so sad, frustrated, scared and angry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 9:49pm

HappyRockMa wrote: 

I came from a 'normal' family, parents married 45 yrs, no abuse, no addiction, upper middle class, there is no sad story in my childhood.  I am married now, my son is 17, he is a good kid but he is still a teenager with a sharp tongue at times, and I also have a redheaded spitfire 1 1/2 yr old daughter who definitely wears me out more than my son.  But my life is good, I turned out fairly well.  Young mothers, single parents, awful 'baby-daddys' do not equate to a life ruined.  And to be disappointed is OK, it is understandable.  Maybe your daughter doesn't get it today but just like potty training, one day she will see how important it is to her in the long run. 

 

Dear HappyRockMa,

I love the above words from you post.

Your letter goes into my file of testimony to the unplanned for blessings—the type of blessings that matter the most. Thank you for sharing it.

Your parents, like all of us, are victims of the times they we're raised in. For them, such was a really upsetting event. I was two months pregnant on our wedding day that had been planned for over a year.  I didn’t tell my parents until a few months after the wedding.   It was not that I was ashamed of some deep dark secret, but rather I thought why put a cloud on the day.  They would have understood because my mother was also a preggers bride and such was truly outrageous in ’61.  We were planning the weddings of our DDs when our youngest DD oopsed on her birth control.  What can I say other than it’s a family tradition.  My point is that your dad just didn’t understand things and that is understandable because of the time he was raised. 

Mom was a victim at the Lone Star Drive-in and the least effective birth control called hope, as in I hope I don’t get preggers.   Like Arryl above, and maybe you,  I was on the pill but, maybe they diminished the pixie dust for safety reasons or maybe they put twenty one sugar pills in the pack of 28 pills.  In any event, you two, my mother, my daughter, and I all feel truly blessed by what happened. 

And welcome to our corner of the village.

Kimmy

 PS: My parents just knocked off their fifty-first year this summer.  Those silly kids. LOL

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 9:20am
Thank you for those kind words Kimmy, I do appreciate it! And, one other little tidbit, as so many other ladies have mentioned in various threads on this board, I was on birth control pills at the time I got pregnant, had been consistently for 18 months at that point, so for those who say if only you had many sure you're kid was on birth control, even if they are on birth control, if they are having sex, its not a matter of IF they get pregnant, its a matter of WHEN they get pregnant.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 9:21pm

Dear Arryl,

Thank you so much for the above personal story.  It was beautiful and so well written. 

I have printed off several copies of it and will have it “on the ready” when I next have someone to share it with.  On several occasions in the past thirty months, since our youngest DD had an oopse with the BC, I have had mothers who wanted to talk about their DD being oopsed.  Your story gives a view often not expressed so well.    

Your words are a wonderful testimony to a pro-choice choice of LIFE.  LIFE truly is a beautiful choice. 

I hope that the “wise friend” who helped you with your thinking, knows the wonderful results of their thoughts and efforts. 

Your parents are truly great parents.  And helping you during those hard years was a great and wonderful use of public assistance funds.

Sadly, the father in this story missed out on a truly beautiful series of events.  What a shame and tragedy for him. 

Thank you again for sharing.

Love,

Kimmy

Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 12:52pm

I know i am terribly late chiming in on this and everyone else has given you great advice!  I thought I would chime as the daughter that got pregnant at 18, just after graduating high school.  I was dating ODD's father, we had been good friends for quite some time and had only been dating a few months.  It wasn't my first time having sex, but it was his.  He was a junior in high school at the time.  When I told him I was pregnant, we had already broken up and like your DD's BF's parents, it was very much the same way, but he was also very vocal that he was too good of a kid to let my being pregnant get in the way of his hopes and dreams.  We went out separate ways, I opted not to go away to school and started community college in the fall, he finished his senior year of high school then went off to college.  I lived with my parents until my ODD was 5.  I finished my associate's degree, worked full time and finished bachelor's degree, bought a condo and moved out, started and stopped my Master's degree, and then married.  At the time I got pregnant I was still 17, adoption wasn't an option for me, but at the time, an abortion was.  My parents wouldn't sign off on it, and I went to court and got permission from a judge to have one.  After some thought, and a discussion with a very wise friend, I opted not to have one and instead of ODD.  My parents were completely supportive, and I would not have gotten through the pregnancy or 2 college degrees without their help and support.  They didn't pay for anything, I didn't have to pay rent, but I paid everything else, I was on government assistance for about a year, I worked 2 jobs while doing my associate's degree and then a full time job in my major after she turned 2.  I didn't know what to do when I was pregnant, my mother walked me through everything.  I can't say enough about how supportive they were, and we had never been close while I was growing up, I was scared to death when I told them I was pregnant, I thought they would throw me out of the house, make me do it alone, and I shut down much like your DD did. 

But like many others have said, I never regret the decision at all now, I made several mistakes over the years, but ODD is the best thing that every happened to me.  I did do a paternity test with her biodad as he decided to dispute paternity, we went through the court system for child support, it was spotty over the years, but it has been consistent for several years now.  I always left the option open for him to contact her and get to know her, which he decided to do when she was 10.  They do not have much of a relationship at all, they exchange text messages, FB messages occassionally, but that is all, and that is all her decision.

But mostly what I am trying to say is, we ALL make mistakes at times, she is an adult, but as your daughter, she needs your support right now.  She is at a higher risk for post partum depression due to her past history with depression, and the emotional turmoil she is going to go through during the pregnancy.  Do what you can as her mother to support her, and support her decisions, because you never know where this will lead, it could very well be what is a turning point for her in her life.  And believe me, I have a beautiful, talented, smart 17 year old daughter who is at the top of her class and is being recruited by a large university for sports to show for my "mistake." 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 1:30pm
I'm hoping that you have had a chance to read the advice here & that things are better for you. I'm so sorry the boy's parents are jerks but remember they are scared too as their child has changed his future for them.

I have been in your shoes but my DD was older with a boyfriend of 3 yrs & they were drifting apart. They were just married last yr when their son was 4 but there is no doubt in all our minds that without my adorable grandson, they would not be a couple. I remember being so angry at my DD when they told us. I knew what was coming when they showed up together on a weeknight when he hadn't been to our home in 6 mths. I made an excuse to leave the room before they could tell us so that I could contain my anger when I heard the news. It took me time to calm down & realize that this wasn't my problem. They were adults who needed my help but that was all. I thought about how I would have reacted if she had been married, finished her education & this pregnancy was planned. Then I decided to act as if all had gone according to my dream plan. My dd didn't have an easy time accepting the pregnancy. She didn't say much about it & certainly didn't act overjoyed. I tried to listen to her feelings. It was hard for her as she never wanted kids & was scared. Then my grandson was born 10 wks early & we almost lost him. Life changed that day for all of us. Everyone grew up quickly. My daughter is an excellent Mom. No, she isn't the doctor she planned to be as my grandson is a special needs child so doing her masters & med school wasn't an option then. But she did take a fastpath medical course & is a study coordinator for a drug testing firm. She continues to take online courses to upgrade her skills & to obtain more certifications. No, it's not the life I had dreamed for my straight A student but it's a good life made all the richer by my grandson.

I think that all of us here have tried to share with you stories where dreams turned into different realities but things still worked out. Grieve for the change in the dreams you held for your daughter but be her supporter. Love her unconditionally & let go of the anger as she needs you.

Dee