Daughter says she's ready to have sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2011
Daughter says she's ready to have sex
9
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 12:52am
I have always had very open discussions about sex with my now 17 year old daughter. I've asked her to talk to me when she feels she's ready to have sex for the first time, so we can discuss it and talk about birth control, feelings, etc. well, she informed me tonight that she feels she's ready to have sex with her boyfriend of 6 months. On one hand, I'm glad that she's waited this long and feels that she can talk to me. But on the other hand, I'm not sure that I was really ready to hear that. Of course, I tried not to show my true feelings about it. I told her that, before she does anything, I should make an appointment with a gynecologist to talk about birth control. She will be leaving the state for college this summer and has already told the boyfriend that they would be breaking up because she doesn't want to have a "long distance relationship". Is there anything else I need to discuss with her? I knew this day would come eventually, but I'm still kind of in shock. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Sun, 07-03-2011 - 11:14pm
That is soooooo much more than what I got as a teen. (my first was at 14, but now I'm engaged and pregnant with the man of my dreams at 20) I couldn't even bring up sex. Parents thought I was a virgin till college. All the sex ed I got was at school. I knew that they would yell and be mad if I ever wanted to tell them that I wanted to be on birth control (which I did, mostly b/c of acne problems) and I had such a hard time telling them I was pregnant. It was a very trying time for my family and it took months for them to talk to me about the baby.
So good job. You are doing a fine job as a parent. Doing everything for the benefit of you daughter and not ignoring things or getting on to her for being honest.
Don't really have any advice besides telling you that what you are doing right now is the best thing and will only strengthen your relationship. Good for you. :)
 BabyFetus Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 4:19pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 04-08-2011 - 7:45am

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 04-07-2011 - 12:33pm

<<<>>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 6:47am

This is one of the toughest parts of parenting. You want to be supportive so they will come to you but you want to "grill" them or, more likely, scream "what are you thinking????"

I would suggest gritting your teeth, getting the birth control, and then having a conversation with her about that lovely post on notches on one's heart. Perhaps waiting until after you have fulfilled your promise on helping her with BC will make it seem less like trying to stop her and more like trying to help her.

I do not regret the sexual partners I had before DH but I seem to be in a minority. Women just tend to put their hearts into it more(although guys are vulnerable too; I think the only ones who see it, though, are their moms!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 9:04pm

In the interest of full disclosure, we have two daughters who are married to the guys they started having sex with a few years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 6:54pm

Hugs - it's never easy to learn that our kids are SA. Hopefully she will wait until she gets on birth control. Back in the day it seemed that it took awhile to get the appointment, get a prescription for the pill, then wait the month or two before the pill 'kicked in'. But today there are so many more options. And as Rose mentioned - condoms to help prevent STD's. I would also be concerned that she wants to have sex more to lose her virginity than because she thinks this is someone that she may have a long term relationship with. You mentioned that the boy may not even be aware of what she's planning. Make sure you talk to her about feelings/emotions/etc. And if she's been with this boy for 6 months hopefully she has some concern for his feelings. Speaking from experience - even boys can regret their first sexual encounter. My youngest ds just turned 21. 2 1/2 years ago he and his high school gf of a year had sex before he went off to college (first time for both). Unfortunately she was still in high school and her parents found out, forcing a break up Christmas of his freshman year in college. I won't bore you with all the sordid details - but to this day he regrets having sex with her because as he says 'sex was the cause of the end of a wonderful relationship and sex went on to be the cause of the beginning of a horrible relationship. Sex is WAY over rated'.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 12:52pm
You know, I'm wondering if she's just ready to lose her V card, as opposed to really caring for this boyfriend. I can understand that it's difficult being a virgin at 17, when many of her fellow seniors are sexually active, and several of them will be graduating in maternity clothes. And thank you for reminding me about STI's. I was more concerned about a possible pregnancy and didn't even think about the need for condoms! The boy she's seeing is a pretty good boy, and I'm not even sure he knows she's thinking about taking the next step with him. I'm afraid she hasn't considered the feelings that are involved with your "first". She has a really great opportunity to attend her dream college out of state, and I'm a little afraid that, when she takes the next step with bf, she'll throw away that opportunity. I know that's selfish of me to think that way, but I just don't want her to regret anything. I did that myself, lost an opportunity to go away to college because of my bf (who was my first). She's never been to a gyn before and wants to see a female dr. We live in a pretty small town and there's only 1 female gyn in town, so I don't know how soon I can get her an appointment. Hopefully she can wait a little longer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 9:16am

Hugs to you!