Son brought home his new girlfriend from University

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-1999
Son brought home his new girlfriend from University
27
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 11:51pm

This is his first serious relationship. His older brother told me she was a bit immature and when she spent the weekend here, I found out that was a bit of an understatement. I know I have to realize he's legally an adult. He's studying to be an optometrist and since dating her has changed his attitude 360 degrees. My husband and I are speaking softly and treading just as softly not to send him rushing into her arms. She was pushy and continuously enticing him into secluded areas of the house. We had warned him before she came but it's like he's completely lost his common sense. It's one thing to be intimate, but to be necking in front of his grandmother was so totally wrong. I was livid. Dh was not impressed. We are going to talk to him about his behaviour but when he doesnt want to hear what we are saying, he blames it on me that Im bossing him around, which is the furthest thing from the truth. My dh and I are pretty open minded. He has been raised in a Christian home with good morales. His gf says she's a devout member of her church but she's somehow not connected her behaviour with the teachings. I don't want him to throw away his future on a girl who doesn't respect him. After meeting her, I am wondering if she is using my son to rebel against her very strict religious parents. She was boasting to my son about her wild boyfriends of the past, they were bad boys. *sigh*

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000

I think you and your dh are doing fine by treading lightly. But I also think it's perfectly within your rights to expect them to respect your rules while in your home. Before their next trip home I'd talk to your ds again and tell them that while you can't stop him from acting like that at school, no one in your home is interested in watching them make out. If necessary sit both of them down and talk to them about it when they're home. Speaking from personal experience - make sure he knows to use a condom every time. And hopefully she's on some form of birth control. While condoms are important in lessening the chance of getting an STD they aren't one of the most effective forms of birth control. Better than nothing, of course, but there are many other, more reliable forms. Our now 21yo ds went off to college at age 18, met a girl in Feb., moved in with her in April, stopped going to classes, she got pregnant, they got married, and he became a father before he turne 20. The baby only lived 12 hours and ds and his ex have since divorced. But it isn't a situation I'd wish on anyone. I've often wondered if I would have been more straight-forward and up front about sex and birth control if that would have made a difference. Probably not - I'm sure that sex talks with mom is the last thing on most 18-19 year olds minds. But moms are great at feeling guilty, arent' they?

There's also a Parents of College Kids board here at Ivillage: http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Parents-of-College-Students/ct-p/iv-ppscollege. Not that we want you to stop posting here but it sounds like you have a couple college kids. I have 2 boys also. Hang in there and hopefully this romance will be short-lived!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-1999

Thanks, I didnt know about the college board, I will try that too. We are just letting things settle for a few days as the girl is off to Europe with her mother on a sports team trip. Which is OK with me. Her parents tried to stop her from coming to our home and she dug in her heals and came anyways. My son has been to their strict home and in no way acted like this in front of her parents. He could be testing us. We will revisit the STD, pregnancy and safe sex talk once again. I appreciate you telling me your story. My gf is having a heck of a time with her dd also so I know Im certainly not alone. Im just a bit frustrated and disappointed that everything we've taught him has seemed to go out the window.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000

Yes it was a terrible tragedy - no seemingly healthy newborn should die. But there was also no way that Justin and D were ready to be parents or married. There is no doubt in any of our minds that the marriage wouldn't have lasted even had Hailey lived. At this point Justin's still trying to figure out his life and I can't imagine him having to pay child support for the next 17 1/2 years, having to try to arrange trips to visit his daughter 6 hours away, etc. I, too, am a Christian and I think things usually happen for a reason although we may not always see it at the time.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
If it makes you feel any better...my oldest ds will be 19 in a couple of months and *was* dating a girl in her 20's with a child no less! Anyway, the have broken up, so thankfull it didn't last..,.he was deemed *immature* The first time I met her, she had barely anything on, her shorts were way too short, and she immediatly launched into a tirade regarding her *ex-husband, child suport etc...I am so thankful she is a girl of the past! You are doing the right thing, whatever you do, don't bad mouth her to your ds, and chances are, it will fizzle out pretty quickly!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Pam..I'm so sorry for you and your ds (and the mother). I knew your ds had become a father, but I didn't realize the circumstances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-1999

She's actually not a bad kid. Very busy and in school full time. I just wasnt prepared for the inappropriate behaviour. His older brother said that the majority of the dating students he knows act just like his brother does with his new gf. So maybe it's just a matter of putting it into perspective and teaching them that there are rules especially when others are around. The dating world is so much more different with skype and text messaging that it's hard to find equilibrium. I think he just needs some gentle guidance. I also am use to living in a household of men who talk but not excessively and she talks a lot, just like my nieces do, so that took a bit of getting use to. :smileywink: My dh and I are always optomistic about the new people in our lives, and my son cares about this young lady so we will have to work with them. Ive always told them that when you date a girl, it always involves the families so pay attention to your surroundings. Believe people when they tell you who they are.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Our ground rules were set early on, and our girls knew PDA's were NOT allowed in front of us, or in our house--no matter how old they were, or how long the relationship had been in existance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

I've played the PDA vs. no PDA game for WAY too long with one of my DSs - from the time he was 17 until he was 25 or so!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-1999

The thing we wanted most to avoid was to alienate our son. We have been talking to him for two days now. He has been told that it will not be allowed to happen again. We also told him a girl who has Russian hands and Roman fingers has most probably had sex before. He told us she has but she had been "forced" to have sex with three other guys. We told him she may have been forced once but not two and three times. We do not critisize her but we do talk firmly about stds and pregnancy. Ive seen girls like this girl before, I went to school with them and they've never changed, just ruined famlies and continued to chase men. Other women's men. The girl is gone on a month long trip to Europe with limited internet access, it will give us time to talk sense to him. Hopefully he will continue to be the grounded young man I raised. There is only so much I can do as a parent. We are off on holidays for two weeks in August and I aint takin' the girl. Nope nope nope. Thank you for all your insight, it makes me feel not so alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
kittyminou wrote:

We also told him a girl who has Russian hands and Roman fingers has most probably had sex before. He told us she has but she had been "forced" to have sex with three other guys. We told him she may have been forced once but not two and three times.


Given that they're college students.... well, a LOT of college students are sexually active, so that by itself? Not a huge issue for me.

Pages