Teen sex and parent ground rules

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
Teen sex and parent ground rules
90
Wed, 08-24-2011 - 4:49pm

I am looking for some thoughts on the subject of setting ground rules, and opinions on how others would have handled my situation.

Shortly after my DD turned 13, she attended a family gathering, bringing her "partner", a 14-year old boy she introduced as her "boyfriend".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2001
Wed, 08-24-2011 - 5:41pm

I'll tell you what we did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 08-24-2011 - 6:19pm

We all have different parenting styles and you are right that where there's a will there's a way. But when my boys were young we certainly didn't make it easy for them. We made it clear that our expectations were that they would save sex for a mature, committed relationship (originally tried for waiting til they were married but adjusted my expectations realistically). They were never allowed to have coed sleepovers and weren't allowed to have girls over when we weren't home. Heck - younger ds was married briefly (long story) and we didn't even let them share a room at our house until after the wedding even though they were living together in another town. At 13 and 14 the extent of their 'romances' was seeing each other at school. Once they got into high school (14-15) we allowed 'group dating' meaning large groups of kids going out in a public place or to a well chaperoned home. No one-on-one dating until they were 16 or so. Now they are 21 and 24 and obviously I know they have been/are sexually active but they were 17 and 18 before they each had sex for first time. Oh and obviously birth control is a no-brainer if you know your teen is having or getting ready to have sex. And condoms EVERY time because they can help prevent STD's.

Pam
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 08-24-2011 - 8:29pm

What is a poor parent to do?

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 08-25-2011 - 10:20am
Identical here, all the way around, other than at 13 and 14 ds was not interested yet; didn't date til he was 16 and that was brief. DS19 uses condoms even though he's in a committed relationship for a year now. They eventually want kids, but not yet, so are doing what they can to prevent it on both sides.

Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-25-2011 - 3:38pm

I think I'm less strict than some other parents but I still think age 14 is way more than "a bit young" to have sex and I'd be donig all I could to discourage it.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Thu, 08-25-2011 - 4:38pm

Ya know, after I punched send, and quit fuming, I thought the SAME THING.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 08-25-2011 - 5:14pm

Actually, T's mom would likely have let N stay over when they became sexually active at 16 and 15 1/2 if we would have allowed it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Fri, 08-26-2011 - 12:03am

Every situation is different and family dynamics vary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
Fri, 08-26-2011 - 8:15am

Well, I read the replies to my original post and noted that one post said

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 08-26-2011 - 9:03am

I think what musiclover said when she said 'out of the norm for anyone I know' is parents that make it easy for their kids to have sex. And I'm firmly in her corner in that one. When my boys were teens all of their friends parents had a pretty similar parenting style as ours. There was one mom who let her son 'entertain' his gf in his bedroom and we all thought that was quite scandolous! As I said in my first reply - we all have different parenting styles and obviously I know there are those out there that are much more laid back/permissive about this but as far as the parents I *personally* knew when my boys were teens - allowing sleepovers at 14-16 just wasn't done. As far as the study statistics - sure they're interesting. But it's always hard to evaluate the accuracy of those numbers. There will be kids that will lie either way - say they had sex when they were 13 even though they still haven't had it at 17 or say they haven't had it yet when they started having sex at an early age. Plus here in IL the age of consent is 17 so all 4 of the first categories would have been below the age of consent, not just the 13 year olds. I also know of couples that were high school sweethearts and married forever. But the vast majority of people I know didn't marry their high school sweetheart or if they did the marriage didn't last long - kids just change SO much between 14 and 24.

Pam

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