Teen sex and parent ground rules

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2011
Teen sex and parent ground rules
90
Wed, 08-24-2011 - 4:49pm

I am looking for some thoughts on the subject of setting ground rules, and opinions on how others would have handled my situation.

Shortly after my DD turned 13, she attended a family gathering, bringing her "partner", a 14-year old boy she introduced as her "boyfriend".

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Mon, 08-29-2011 - 11:31am

Kimmy, I think that's the best attitude to have, when, not if. I haven't weighed in on the thread, but I tend to take the attitude of not making it easy on a teen to have sex. But I know from doing it plenty as a teenager, and getting pregnant on BCP taken religiously at 17, that its better to have that attitude. I know I talk to ODD (16) constantly about how important it is that if and when she is ready, that both her and her partner be safe and use protection! I had a BF in h/s who was adament that both of us use protection at all times or we didn't have sex that night, period. A year of sexual activity and not a scare. Dated ODD's dad and had sex once, only once, and I was on BCP's and was pregnant. So I make sure to tell DD, I am not being hypocritical, I know she'll have sex eventually and that is fine, in or out of marriage, but she better be making sure both her and her partner are doubly safe, or not having sex til they are ready to be parents. Luckily for me, as odd as it sounds, my 16 year has still barely dated at all, and I'm just fine with it. LOL!

Edited to add:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-29-2011 - 12:18pm

kimmy, you are really funny!--what would you do w/ more sheets?

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 08-29-2011 - 12:42pm
marthas_dad wrote:

Well, the way I see it, the primary duty of a parent is to ensure that his/her children grow into a healthy, well-balanced individuals, capable of dealing with the challenges of life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-29-2011 - 10:58pm

I think you made some really good points there.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 9:30am
musiclover12 wrote:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 10:20am

You do bring up some good points. And I'll bet in every culture there is a vast range of parenting styles, just as there is in the US. Most of us on this board that are from the US seem realistic enough to know that many teens will have sex but most of us certainly aren't going to roll out the red carpet once their kid hits puberty and tell them to go for it! Yet I know there are some parents, even in the US, that take a much more laid back/hands off/whatever approach.

I've never been out of the country besides to Mexico for a 4 day vacation and the only 'real life' exposure I've had to teens of other cultures was when my boys did the month long exchange programs with their German students and the neighbor who had the German girl for a year; their son and Justin are good friends so Jana was here quite often. I know the two boys we had stay with us were night and day different. Our first experience was wonderful - I could have easily had Michael spend a year with us. He was mature, respectful, articulate, etc. I was excited about our next experience. Let's just say I pretty much counted the days until Fabian left from the time he got here. He was very immature, rarely spoke to us, never let me know whether he was going to be home for dinner, and worst of all he trashed the room he stayed in and smoked in there even though they were supposed to sign something saying that they would not smoke while in the US. So I guess just like in the US - teens are pretty different, too. The program that Jana took paret in provided all the girls with a year's supply of birth control when they came here. (She's the one who said traditionally kids in her circle lose their virginity around age 14 to someone they care about and then sleep with a different boy each weekend). Another thing I found interesting is that both Michael and Fabian loved to watch scary movies here. Over there there is no rating for sexual movies but scary movies had a 18 years and up rating and they were each 17 at the time. And of course the drinking age is 16 over there so when both of my boys went over they drank. Probably a lot because that is mostly what the kids do there - go to clubs and party. Especially Fabian's group. But they don't seem to have much else to do. At least in there town there is absolutely no school extra-curricular activities. Michael was on some type of community swim or dive team I believe but there was nothing through the school - no sports, no music, no science club - nothing. I found that different, too.

Pam
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 11:03am
And guess what? Trying to find current statistical data on STD rates in these countries that have a "whatever" attitude, is close to impossible. The last year for which there was comparable international data, is 1999!!! And at that time, North America had the second LOWEST rate of STD infection, worldwide. On the other hand, the CDC releases information about the USA annually.

Other indicators of the effect of the "whatever" attitude, like the incidence of depression, suicide, etc, are higher in many of these countries, than the the US.

I, also, am not against sex. But devaluing the act to the level of scratching an itch, ignores the very real physical and emotional ramifications, and can lead to negative long-term consequences.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 3:20pm

Well we are kind of comparing American/Canadian and European socities, but suppose there was some culture like in the Amazon or Africa somewhere where it was customary for kids to lose their virginity at age 14 or something and no one thought anything about it because that was what people do.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 5:06pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 9:36pm
musiclover12 wrote:

kimmy, you are really funny!--what would you do w/ more sheets?

Hey there is a saying, "Laugh and the world will laugh with you, cry and... well... you cry alone."

I am the daughter and wife of two men with irreverent humor.

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