14yo Son Acting Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
14yo Son Acting Out
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 9:03pm

Hello, I'm new to the boards, and to be honest, haven't poked around at all yet. Thought I'd get my thread up here, then look for some related threads to get some help. I don't really know where to begin ...

I was widowed in Feb 2010 and am the sahm to my two boys who are 14 and 13. I describe them as "14 going on 28" and "13 going on 6".

We muddle through. I have a blog ... http://twoboysfourcatsnodogsyet.blogspot.com/
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 11:01pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 11:40pm

He needs the security of knowing you are not going to give up on him. At some level, however irrational, he has to feel that his dad did exactly that.

I would not threaten him with anything that smacks of removal from the home because of the above reason. No calls to the police, suggestion of him moving in with a relative, etc.

I mean, really....really what has he done other than be out past curfew once(that you know of)and use the F word. You have no evidence of sex, drugs, or alcohol. He is not getting in trouble at school or fighting or terrorizing his brother(unless you didnt get to that in your post). He is not stealing.

Nope, he is not being perfect and chances are that those other kids you see really aren't either!

Pick a big battle or two and focus only on that. It sounds like you are taking on disrespect, chores, possible bullying and who knows what else you had on that list

For chores, I would definitely give him control. Again, he has to feel a loss of control-he lost his dad.

Make a list of what needs to be done and let him choose what he wants to do. Your 13 yr old gets to choose next. Yes, he HAS to choose but give him big choices. I would apply that philosophy wherever you can.

Is he shouting F word AT you or in your presence? Makes a difference in my book. If it is AT you then that would be a battle I would fight. If he is saying "my teacher is f...in stupid", maybe that battle can wait a bit

I like the idea of taking away the laptop, etc while he is at school and locking them up. He needs to earn them back as opposed to having them taken away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 8:14am

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think your ds needs counselling to deal with his dad's death. I know it didn't work before but try again. Talk to your therapist and see if you can get a recommendation. I do agree with taking away the laptop and cell while he's at school - maybe if he goes to the counsellor without a fight he gets an hour of laptop time or something. Has your therapist given you any suggestions about how to handle your ds? Is there ever a more 'quiet' time with just the 2 of you that you can sit down with him and try to talk about his feelings, his dad's death, etc.? I'm sure he's hurting badly but until he learns better anger/grief coping mechanisms things probably aren't going to change. Best of luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
Sat, 02-26-2011 - 10:36am

Thanks so much for your replies!

We muddle through. I have a blog ... http://twoboysfourcatsnodogsyet.blogspot.com/
Avatar for scoutnut
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sat, 02-26-2011 - 1:47pm

If your counselor is advising you NOT to put your son in counseling then, personally, I would look for another counselor.

You stated you are looking for help. Your son's actions are not simply "normal developmentaly appropriate teenage angst", and you know it. Why on earth are you not making sure your son gets the help he needs?

Your son, and your family, needs help NOW. I suggest Family Counseling (you can't REALLY think your 13 yo is not afected by all of this).

Of course, if you would rather just vent, and not actually do anything to help your family, that is your call. However, don't act suprised when things go from bad to worse.