cold hearted 12 year old New MEMBER HERE please help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2011
cold hearted 12 year old New MEMBER HERE please help!!!
12
Sun, 12-18-2011 - 2:17am

I am 43 my husband 44 we have 3 children living with us.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008

First of all Beckytyree, I really hope you're still with us! Sorry I'm chiming in so late but my computer is dying on me so I haven't been on much.

I read through all the responses and for a brand new poster here, I guess I can see why you would be hesitant to post again. Obviously YOUR situation is very personal to you, and alot of the responses probably seem like an attack. I honestly don't think anybody meant it that way. I also don't think anybody that hasen't personally experienced a child like this can really understand. We don't know you and your family, we don't know your family dynamics, how your kids were raised...etc. It's automatic to ASSume WE the parents are ALWAYS responsible for the people our children become, and to some extent thats true. Then theres kids like THIS. It sounds like the poster "Marina" that sent her daughter to that "camp" had one, and I had one too. I DO understand (I think, with so little information).

There are so many questions I'd like to ask you! Since I don't know if you'll be back or not I won't go too far. 1st you say DD is 12. Is that just turned 12 or is she closer to 13? How long has she had this defiant combative personality? Always? Suddenly? What "grade group" is she in- she could be the top of the heap in an elementary school or somewhere in a middle school (generally 6th -8th) or Jr. High (generally 7th-9th), depends on where you live. I ask because it does matter if her age and maturity are far below her classmates. Some kids start out on a brilliant fast track (ya know, 1st grade 5yo's?), but when their classmates and best friends are a year or two older...it can be a

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998

Learning respect for others.... even though we may not agree with their positions..... is a very important aspect of growing up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998

I don't think people are assuming it's a "pure" result of bad parenting but I do feel there are some parenting choices that aren't helping things. My little brother was an extremely defiant and difficult child. Born today he'd have a host of syndromes attached to his name I'm sure. My parents were GREAT and did everything in their power to turn things around (medical/mental help, alternative schooling, lots of one-on-one/hands on parenting, you name it) but his issues were more than they could handle alone. They were more than a team of people could handle honestly. Certainly, there were things out of their control but where he slept at the age of 12 was still in their power (and he was the size of a 15-year-old at 10 due to unusual growth patterns.) Unless this child is a compulsive runaway (and it doesn't sound like she is) then why is she gone for birthdays, family holidays and for a week at a time? What kind of people is she staying with that would take a kid in on MOTHER'S day. They are either not good influences or nice people who have been told really horrendous stories and think they are helping. I'd be concerned that they'd call CPS with false information provided by the kid.

The OP asked for help. Most responses gave her very practical advice as to what to do first (namely, stop letting this kid spend the night elsewhere) while acknowledging that outside help may be in order.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011

Copper Canyon Academy outside Sedona.

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Who lets a kid stay with them for a week?? Why does she keep getting privalages, like going out with friends and going to sleepovers, while acting out? Time that you both come down on her like crazy until she learns to behave like a human and not so spoiled!!

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
kimmybabe2009 wrote:
WOW!!!!!! I fully agree with what the others have posted. It must really be scary to rule your world and control your parents at 12.

Welcome to the board.

This is follow-up to what I posted above.

Nobody here is jumping on you case about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998

I hate to say this, but she is behaving as she was brought up to behave. Any time she is spending with someone else is time away from your influence, so in effect, someone else is raising her. And families who allow a kid this age to stay with them for a week at a time probably aren't parenting too well, so your DD's strongest influences are her friend---her rude, disrespectful, immature, unformed, 12 year old friends. Those are not the kind of "parents" she needs.

In order to rein her in, you are going to have to be willing to put up with a lot of conflict. Tell her absolutely no sleepovers. If she's rude and mouthy after spending time with friends, then she loses the privilege of hanging out with friends. If she is disrespectful to her siblings, she has to do their chores. The only way to build any family harmony is to have the same standard for every family member. No one, not even the parents, should be treating any other family member this way.

And yes, I would get the whole family into counseling to learn new, healthy ways of relating to one another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
WOW!!!!!! I fully agree with what the others have posted. It must really be scary to rule your world and control your parents at 12.
Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998

Who are these people who let 12-year-old friends stay with them for a week at a time? We often have kids spending the night but never more than 2 days (and that is rare and if we are doing something special or helping out a friend by babysitting while they have a couples weekend or something!) My own kids average about a 5 nights a year at friends' homes.

Stop allowing all overnights immediately. I can't believe she's been allowed so many and on your birthday and mother's day? Why would you allow that? Make her earn that priveledge. I'd seek counselling for her and for the family. I'd also get her to a doctor just to get everything checked out. It's always good to rule out any possible health issues. Tell the doctor the issues you are having. They may be able to give you nothing but they also may have some directions to point you in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I was going to say what bunnierose said.

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