Daughter with eating disorder

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Daughter with eating disorder
19
Sat, 09-03-2011 - 12:49am

Hi I am having a hard time dealing with my daughters eating issues - It is hard not to say the wrong thing at times and the worst part is I hav been trying to find a counsiler to go to for months now but there are non close to us. Any thoughts or web site advice on how to get help?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 9:46am

I understand the feeling if kind of walking on eggshells as far as to what to say. And you're right - you don't want to give much positive response to comments she gets about her weight. Try to focus on her personality/behaviors/etc. If you catch her going out of her way to be kind to someone or to help someone praise her for that, talk about her school work and extra curriculars, etc. I remember when Jason was in the php and having to follow the meal plans on the weekend. Of course dh and I would eat right along with him so he didn't feel 'different'. Three meals a day, 2 snacks, etc. And I cringed once when we had relatives over and Jason was eating his pre-planned dinner (because heaven forbid he would just eat snacky food we had out for everyone else). His cousin sat down next to him and said 'boy you sure do eat a lot'. I was afraid it was going to set him back but he made it through. Hang in there and hopefully soon you'll be able to talk to this person that your friend recommended.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 1:14am

u are right and it is not about her getting "fixed" it is just about getting better. The worst part about waiting is I feel as if I don't know what to say to her when she makes comments like how so many kids are telling her how she looks different from last year and that she looks good. I don't want to be negative about that and I certainly am not wanting to encourage it I am trying to remain neutral but not sure if that is even right - Just feeling as if there is nothing I can say. And feeling guilty that I am not doing enough then my other daughter and I am trying to lose weight as she is 18 and out of has and sports and I am 50 and my metabolism has slowed way down so we have to try not to discuss any of this around my youngest - Thx for all the support everyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 1:46pm

And even when a young person is lucky enough to 'get better' I don't think as a parent your friend will ever completely stop worrying. Jason has been at a healthy weight/seemingly emotionally healthy for 3 years and I still worry. Not the day to day stuff like I used to. But he does still have a tendency to over-exercise and be somewhat rigid (not restricitve exactly but rigid) in what he eats, in stressful situtations. But it usually only lasts for a couple days. But there's always that little voice in the back of my head thinking 'I hope he doesn't cross the line and revert back to those behaviors'. Unfortunately some of the gals he was in treatment with were middle aged adults who had been struggling for decades.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 12:30pm

As usual, you are right on the money. Kids don't always want to be "fixed." They just want someone to hold onto while they are going through whatever it is. Anorexia does need treatment, but it doesn't get better for a long time. One of my friends has been dealing with this in her 16 yo daughter for two years and she still has many ups and downs.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 11:41am

If she's the right counselor, it will be worth waiting for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 11:20am
Glad you got a number of someone to talk to. They may be able to help you find other resources. Sorry that you'll have to wait so long, though. Please keep us posted.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 12:58am

Thx all talked to a friend who is a councilor

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 6:16pm

Ah, the soul mate is helping with the weight.

Youngest DD and SIL were fat Fredy and phat patty when they started hanging together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 6:00pm

Your son sounds like mine. At 14, he's 5'11 and still growing, but weighs 111.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 8:14am
My ds19 was somewhat like that a year or so ago, and then when he went to college last year he went the opposite direction from the 'freshman 15' and lost more weight. He's about 6'3" and was 150 dripping wet after a meal. He just said food wasn't a priority and I knew he hated seeing so many overweight people around. The best thing that happened to him is having a gf - he's now very serious about her and she's concerned about his weight (up to about 158) and has gotten him some chocolate flavored whey powder and nags him about eating. (she herself is teeny; about 5'6" and 113 pounds, but she was a preemie and will always be small) Me saying anything and even his PCP telling him he wanted him at least 160 didn't do any good but the gf is keeping him concentrating on eating more, so I'm hopeful this year away at school will at least be maintaining but not losing more. I feel your concern. (and fwiw in looking at ideal weight calculators online, someone 6'3" can actually be within 'normal weight' range at 140 pounds at the lower end - I can't imagine what he'd look like at that weight)

Hugs.

Sue

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