Defiant 15 Year Old DD

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Defiant 15 Year Old DD
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 11:54pm

I posted a few weeks ago about finding out my 15 year old dd having sex for the first time. It's been a long few weeks, but trying hard to keep that under control. She has the appointment this Thursday with the Clinical Nurse for birth control education and options.

My daughter has always been a good girl, despite having ADHD and being on medication since the age of 8. Up until she started with the boyfriend and going out with him, and other friends as well, she was an A/B student, athlete (dancer and cheerleader), and always respected her parents (dad died when she was 10).

The defiance has been getting worse over the last 6 months or so. She lies about where she is going, she lies about who she is with, she lies about homework, and more. I feel like everything she tells me is a lie and I never know when to believe what comes out of her mouth, including when she tells me she has no homework, or she's done her homework. She is very disrespectful to me, and questions everything I ask of her or tell her, she fights with me, argues with me. I can't take it anymore! Tonight she asked me if she should take her shower in the morning of before bed, and I said before bed because the shower disturbs me in the morning. You would have thought I told her to stab herself in the heart! My answer brought on a huge fight, and I finally had to tell her to just take her shower or to go sleep in the basement because I was done listening to her scream and disrespect me. Last night she went out with a few friends... they were supposed to get a ride home from her friends mother. Turns out they decided to walk home (10:00 at night), which I don't allow. She knows I don't allow her to walk at night, and if she needs a ride, to call me. I spoke with her about 9ish, and she said the girls mother was coming for them soon (they were at the football field for a Cow Pie event). I called her again about 1/2 hour later and she said they were still there, and the girls mother was still coming. I called her again at 10:15, and she said the girl decided to walk home and she didn't know the mother wasn't coming because the girl kept saying her mother was coming, so she started walking home herself. I asked her why she didn't call me, and she said she knew I'd be mad (I told her I was coming to get her). Then she called me a few minutes later to say they had walked back to the girls house and her mother was bringing her home. I texted the girls mother and she said they were on their way. I really have no idea where she was, or who she was with. I think she was with "loverboy" and then went back to her girlfriends house later for cover. They cover each others asses!

So basically when she leaves this house, other than for school, I have no idea where she's going, who she's with, or what she's doing! I just don't know what to do anymore! I'm so over fighting with her all the time, I'm so tired of hearing her tell me I should trust her. How can she even think I can trust her when she lies to me all the time! I don't get it!

I've taken her phone away, again, and I will ground her this coming weekend, but it's been done before, and it doesn't seem to help. We do attend therapy together every other week, and we talk about these issues, and we seem to come to clear understandings and agreements while there, but as soon as we walk about the door, it's all down the toilet!




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 7:54am
Lol.Sorry. I am too old and too tired go through that again. I still have a SS19 living in my basement who I wish would move out. I am sooo over raising teens. Bring in the grandchildren!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:41pm

Your DD15 is just getting you ready for her to grow up and LEAVE!  You made my day.  I read your post and it put a smile on my face that all 4 of my DD's are now over the age of 21!  (28, 26, 25, and 21) 

Your story I could have written when MY oldest was 12-14.  We, too, went to counseling to no avail either.  She was horribly disrespectful and mean to me.  The only thing that finally calmed her down was at age 15, she started dating a boy whose MOTHER was really strict, so I didn't have to do much at that point.  But, when she was 14, I remember wanting to kick her OUT...and, believe me...when she left for college, I didn't shed a tear.  Not a single one!  My younger 3 DD's all agreed that our household was much more peaceful without her.  As a mother of daughters, I have been through it all if it helps...DD28 had a baby at age 19 whom she gave up for adoption (luckily open so I have a very close relationship with my grandson and his family), DD26 got 2 DUI's in college, DD25 was charged with possession (pot in her car), and DD21 suffered a mild breakdown last year at this time but has managed to pull herself back up by her bootstraps and is doing well in college. 

I remarried last year to a man who has 3 sons whose problems are even worse (drug and alcohol abuse, mental issues...).  I'm surprised he and I are still standing, but you will as well.  Teenagers are a tough lot...some worse than others.  My Dh even had to send his oldest to a 2 year strict boot camp at age 15.  He's been through the worst with a teen of anyone I've ever heard.  (This son is now 30 and was diagnosed mentally ill at age 23).  Anyway, I hope my story helps you to know that eventually they DO grow up.  I visited my horrible teen (who is now 28 and living several states away) and we had a wonderful time.  She graduated college and is a manager at a hotel now and doing well.  :smileyhappy: 

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:22pm
Not sure I have a great answer but my immediate concern is if she's defiant and goes out, now without her phone, how would you reach her? (I.e., not sure taking the phone away will solve anything and actually it could make things worse if you need to keep in touch) Maybe it's time to find out where she's going, and call that place (not a cell; a land line, unless it's the parent and you are sure that it is the parent!) to be sure she's there, etc..? Not popular but it might be the only way to prove where she is, and eventually once she proves to be wherever whenever you call, you can regain some trust.