I just found out..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2012
I just found out..
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 2:24am

Excuse me if my post seems incredibly naive but I discovered that my 16 year old son smokes pot, drinks alcohol and takes pills.. I found his "stash" and I haven't stopped crying since.. I'm not stupid enough to think that he would be immuned for this type of behaviour but he has really gotten uncontrollable!!

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 10:38pm
I'm so sorry for you and sending you ((hugs)) as you need them. I'm a BTDT Mom and I could have written your post 10 yrs ago. In fact, I did write one very similar. You need to get help for your DS & yourself as you are entering into a war. You said that you are a single Mom, is the Dad involved with your DS at all? Do you have any idea what your DS is struggling with that he is using drugs & alcohol as a solution for?

My DH couldn't deal with our DS & so it was left to me to handle. Frankly, I had no idea what I was doing but I started by reading everything I could possiblity get my hands on. You need help. What can your school do to assist you? I looked at putting DS in an alternative school program but the principal was very frank & said that while the learning approach would be best for my DS, the lack of supervised free time would not as many of the kids in the program used drugs. So I kept him in the regular school & enlisted the teacher's direct support regarding his attendence & completion of work. They could not tell me if they thought he was high or drunk when he came to class as it wasn't allowed by the school board. I drove him to school, dropped him at the front door & if he walked out the back door, then I got a call at work. Many times I drove the neighbourhood looking for him. I started my work day at home at 5 am, dropped him off at 9 then went into the office. DH changed his work schedule to 1 to 8:30 to be home in the morning and I tried to be home no later than 3 to pick DS up from school. Our goal was to ensure that our house was only empty for a max of 3 hrs a day at the most & that one of us was close by if we needed to deal with DS.

I found a drug counselor for teens & took DS weekly for counseling. His brother got him a part time job & we made sure he was there but his income came to me to be put in the bank. We stopped all funds & he did not have a cell phone, computer (only allowed homework on the family one) & wasn't allowed to apply for his learner's driver's license until he had been drug/alcohol free for 6 mths. There were times I physically blocked his leaving the house. Frankly he was bigger/stronger than I & I've always been surprised he just didn't shove me out of the way. When one approach didn't work, I tried another. I sent him to an outpatient rehab program for 4 mths. It was free & only 12 kids were accepted in each program. He told me he didn't need to go as he didn't have a problem, I did. When I picked him up after his first day & asked him where he fell within the group on drug/acohol usage, he muttered 2nd highest. He aced that course & was the only student to complete it. Every other child was in the foster system & this was an eye opener to my DS. But it didn't solve the problems completely, it helped but we still had problems. He would do well, then fall off the wagon if something went wrong in his life that he couldn't handle or if he wanted to fit in. The rehab didn't restrict drugs/acohol but rather taught them about taking responsibility for making choices on what & how much they were taking.

I tried keeping the lines of communication open. We had a weekly dinner night out for the 2 of us from the time he was 10 & by 15, he wasn't interested but I insisted that this continue. In response, he started ordering the most expensive thing on the menu so I started picking cheaper restaurants. lol But seriously, 75% of the time I talked & he glared at me while eating. I lived for those 25% meals when he actually shared somethings with me.

I won't lie to you, it was the worse time of my life until he reached 18/19 & things improved but it was so worth it. My DS is 25 & an amazing young man who is very upset with how he wasted his teens. However, we have talked about what I could have done differently & his response is that he just needed to learn life the hard way. He has thanked me several times for never giving up on him & always loving him in spite of what he did. Believe me, it's easier to walk away than sit there a 5 am in the middle of a blizzard wondering if your child is alive or dead someone. It's easier to leave them in jail than bail them out, be their parent & enforce your rules.

The only encouragement that I can offer is that there were 3 boys in my DS's group that were all in a similar state. Each set of parents handled the situation in the way they felt was best and they are all drug free contributing young men today. We didn't lose one of them but we came close. Each of our approaches was different but similar in that we never gave up, we remained their parent & enforced our rules. My DS is engaged but before he asked his fiancee to marry him last year, he went to her parents & explained his past. He acknowledged his problems & was honest even telling them about the legal charges he faced as a teen. They were very impressed by his honesty & his accomplishments and gave their blessings.

Don`t focus on what you can`t give your DS but rather what you can do with this situation. Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2012
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 4:51pm

Avatar for cmdonnab
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Registered: 04-27-2000
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 8:09pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2012
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 9:08pm

Thank you so much for your caring and informative post!

Some of the experiences you mention are EXACTLY what I'm going through. I also inquired about alternative schools and was told the exact same thing!