Need advice, don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2010
Need advice, don't know what to do.
13
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 2:23pm

Okay this will probably be long.

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Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 3:12pm

Maybe she is better off with the boyfriend. In a more typical situation, I'd not say that but there is

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 3:16pm
Gosh - hugs to you. I think if you know she is moving soon with the bf, and you're ok with her and the bf, I'd just support her decision and encourage that. I'd ignore talking about the stepmom and father, other than to just tell her to block them on FB if they're adding to any stress on her part. And just provide an ear for her and encourage the move. Best of luck to you and her.

Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2010
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 3:38pm

I don't know all that has happened in their home the last 7 years, but I just feel they way she was talking to me, I could believe it just by the way they acted before I had to move.

But when she reconnected with me recently, we talked for several hours at at time on the phone, and I even talked with her boyfriend for about 4 hours after she went to bed, to get a good feel about him and to hear how he felt in all this. He seems like a good kid and really does care for my daughter. Of course I know young relationships may not always last, but at the same time you never know so I try to look at this as long term,

Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 4:30pm
Statutory rape laws vary from state to state. You can google them and find out what is law in the state they live. Their situation may not actually be illegal where they live. It may just be something dad is saying because he's upset.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2010
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 4:49pm

Well the Age of consent there is 18, I can't find anything on age differences, if that even factors into anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 5:08pm

I was going to say the same thing as the OP - I know here in IL the age of consent is 17 but in 10 or 11 states it's 18. Hugs to you - it's got to be very difficult being so far away and not having been a big part of her life for so long. It's great that she is reaching out to you now and that you're reconnecting. Her dad and step mom seem to be quite a piece of work; just try to focus on your dd and how best to help her now, though. Hang in there and keep us posted!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:08pm

Maybe you could contact a lawyer in the state she lives in for a phone consult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 11:05pm

Whether or not the boyfriend is in trouble depends on a LOT of things, primarily at social services.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2010
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 11:19pm

If her boyfriend was 30 I'd help her dad do something, but to me 20 isn't as big of a deal at her age. Sure ideally I would love her home, not being in a sexual relationship, but considering I was a teen once, and my dad didn't stop me from having sex either, I'm a little more realistic about it.

I don't know weither to believe her dad or not, I like to, he claims he isn't trying to get her boyfriend in trouble, that social services want him to press charges. He said they told him that if she winds up pregnant before 18 they will take it out of his hands and charge her boyfriend anyways. Never heard of the state doing that before.

I guess the state got involved because my daughter and her boyfriend contacted them saying her parents were unfit parents, and her dad said reason my daughter could get her younger siblings taken is because she was cutting herself and left a razor in a text book from her school and were like her younger sister could find it and possibly cut herself. (not that she did)

Right now my main concern is she is safe, she gets help for her obvious problems, like hurting herself, etc. It's all scary and I wish her dad would have at least given me the curteosy of keeping me informed all these years, but they chose to just chew me out on the phone the whole time.

Reason they have her is I was depressed when she was younger, my house turned into a mess, and it was deemed she would be better living with him, and I agree, I was a mess going through a ton of problems, (not drugs, etc, just depression). I moved where I am as an attempt to help that problem, and I've slowly over the years begun healing and no longer feel like life is crap. I've had a great support system here, and I have no one there, both my parents passed away by the time I was 30. I tried to explain until I was blue in the face that moving here was so I could be better for her, but they hated me before and hated me more for moving, so it's been a difficult 7 years trying to stay in contact and maintain a relationship with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 11:39am

If social services is already involved, and they have an open case I'd bet they are not going to approve of her moving in w/ her BF--is there a way that you could get the name of the social worker & contact that person & say you would be willing to take her?

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