Need help with our 15 year old DD

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Need help with our 15 year old DD
10
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:12pm

Hi. I'm Karen and new to the board but not Ivillage.

Our daughter was doing fine til she got into high school last year.
Over the last year we've noticed some changes in her. She started
wanting to wear mostly black clothing but not Goth type stuff.
She wanted to die her hair which I let her put some Sun In on it for a while.
She got bored with that and wanted it black. I told her no. She defied us and a few weeks later while at
a friends house the girls died DD's hair black. Trying to choose my fights I decided not
to push this one and thought she'd get bored with it as well.
Since then she's cut her hair shoulder length.
She gotten interested in wolves, vampires, and wants to watch horror movies
but I won't let her.

Sorry for the rambling btw....

I can't remember if it was this past June or in 2011 she went to a christian camp that she
goes to every year and when she came back she was listening to what she called "alternative
christian music". Sounded like an aweful rock band. So in a week or two we decided to see
what this new music was and looked it up. "Black Veil Brides"
Now after reading the lyrics to some of their songs they seem to be Satan worshipers and I
can't convince DD of this. (look them up and tell me what you think) Most of their songs seem
to talk about death, killing ones self, and "Black Veil Brides" are Satans brides.

Also, she started liking this boy at school last year then he moved to Arkansas. We've found out
that the boy smokes pot and cusses. Found DD has picked up the swearing habit in her emails
where she thinks we don't know. Probably around her "friends" too.

We are so afraid she's going to end up on drugs or pregnant. All kinds of things are running through my mind.
She was talking to someone by email and asked how far they think she'd get to Arkansas before the police picked her up
if she ran away.

Should I/we confront her with everything we know she's doing?
Or just try to keep her busy and get her mind off of doing these things and
hope they go away?

Both my husband's mom and my own passed away in the last year so we are
just lost as how to handle DD and no one to turn to for help.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:34pm
gonecadd wrote:

Hi. I'm Karen and new to the board but not Ivillage.

Our daughter was doing fine til she got into high school last year.
Over the last year we've noticed some changes in her. She started
wanting to wear mostly black clothing but not Goth type stuff.
She wanted to die her hair which I let her put some Sun In on it for a while.
She got bored with that and wanted it black. I told her no. She defied us and a few weeks later while at
a friends house the girls died DD's hair black. Trying to choose my fights I decided not
to push this one and thought she'd get bored with it as well.
Since then she's cut her hair shoulder length.
She gotten interested in wolves, vampires, and wants to watch horror movies
but I won't let her.

Just because someone wants a different "look" or style is really not a big deal.  So what if she wants to wear black clothes or even the Goth look (although I think I'd tone that down for school).  so what if she wants to dye her hair black.  I remember meeting my DSD's friend for the first time at our house and she had dyed red hair--not normal red, like crayon red.  that didn't mean she wasn't a nice girl.  My ex's teenage nephew went through the goth phase of dressing too.  He's a very nice kid, did well in school, wasn't a trouble maker.  Why won't you let your DD watch horror movies?  My teenage son & his friends love horror movies, although you couldn't get me to watch them.  I might draw the line at the gorier ones but I don't think that anything is necessarily wrong with them.  As far as the wolves, vampires, etc., that's a trendy theme in entertainment now that's hard to ignore--Twilight, Vampire Diaries, True Blood--I think there's a new werewolf show on TV now too.  It's kind of hard to avoid them.

Sorry for the rambling btw....

I can't remember if it was this past June or in 2011 she went to a christian camp that she
goes to every year and when she came back she was listening to what she called "alternative
christian music". Sounded like an aweful rock band. So in a week or two we decided to see
what this new music was and looked it up. "Black Veil Brides"
Now after reading the lyrics to some of their songs they seem to be Satan worshipers and I
can't convince DD of this. (look them up and tell me what you think) Most of their songs seem
to talk about death, killing ones self, and "Black Veil Brides" are Satans brides.

I looked up some of the lyrics to Black Veil Brides since I have never heard of them and most of the songs I saw just seemed like depressing love songs.  I didn't see anything about Satan worship. 

Also, she started liking this boy at school last year then he moved to Arkansas. We've found out
that the boy smokes pot and cusses. Found DD has picked up the swearing habit in her emails
where she thinks we don't know. Probably around her "friends" too.

A lot of kids cuss like my DD who graduated from college and is a nurse in the pediatric cancer ward.  I don't like it but she still does it.

We are so afraid she's going to end up on drugs or pregnant. All kinds of things are running through my mind.
She was talking to someone by email and asked how far they think she'd get to Arkansas before the police picked her up
if she ran away.

Now this is the one place I would be worried about.  I don't think anything else she is doing is very worrisome but if she is talking about running away to see a boy in another state, that would alarm me.  Of course if the way you found out is by reading her private emails, how do you tell her that and get her to listen to you because she is going to be very mad that you invaded her privacy?  Do you talk to her about the BF?  When you talk to her is it like sympathetic that she misses him or do you dismiss her feelings?  I hope & think that the relationship that I have with my kids is that I'm pretty easy going about most stuff so when an issue comes up that I think is important and that I say no to, they do tend to listen to me.

Should I/we confront her with everything we know she's doing?
Or just try to keep her busy and get her mind off of doing these things and
hope they go away?

Both my husband's mom and my own passed away in the last year so we are
just lost as how to handle DD and no one to turn to for help.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

 

 

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 1:13pm
I'm in music's line. And as far as confronting, that never worked with my ds. It was much better to have an open and honest discussion (not that I can say they all ended up that way, being discussion vs. someone getting upset!) about why you're concerned, not just saying don't do this or that, not lecturing etc. (I'm not saying you do that; I'm just saying that method never worked for us) Maybe just ask about the bf, see how things are going, ask after him like how he's liking his new home/school, etc. - she might then open up a bit. Baby steps, but...yes, keeping busy is always a great thing to do, but definitely keeping in tune with what they're thinking, at least to the point of what they're willing to share, and then trying not to be too judgmental but being more empathetic (while still gently guiding, but not in an obvious fashion), seems to go a long way.
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 8:22pm
I also suspect that since the kid <<<agreed that we (parents) were to have access to that computer at any time to see what she's getting into>>> she has decided to give them something REALLY interesting to see! The bigger problem with these parents' approach is that the kid may decide, "Since I got the name, I'll play the game." You are right. It's time for them to dial down the accusations, and figure out which hills are really worth dying on.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 1:03am

<I need a CL or Mod's help but can't figure out how to contact anyone. 
I have an out of date sig line which says I'm the CL for the Garden Design Board.
That was years ago. 
I can't figure out how to change it.>

Here's the link to a board for Signature Making, maybe you can find out how to delete it from the tutorial link; if not you can post asking for help. http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Signature-Making-for-Beginners/ct-p/iv-prsigshownew

As for the problems with your dd, I agree with the others who suggest ignoring a lot of it. Teens often do outrageous things just to "yank your chain", to get some kind of reaction. When my dd went through phases of weird clothing I just made it clear what I would pay for which was usually basics kind of clothes. So maybe you will pay for black jeans but not black jeans with studs on them. Same thing with the hair. I would pay for a haircut but not for hair dye, for shampoo but not the products to make the punk spikes. Music goes through phases too. My ds liked gangsta rap for a while, it was full of obscene language and was degrading to women. I explained to him why I found it objectionable and told him that I did not want to hear it. I didn't forbid him from listening to it through earphones or in his friend's car or even in our house when I wasn't there. He moved on to something else pretty quickly probably because it wasn't "forbidden fruit". By 18yo both of my kids laughed or were embarrased about some of the music they liked a few years earlier so your dd will outgrow it too.

Who was your dd emailing about running away to Arkansas? I'd keep a close watch on that, to see if she seems to be making plans like packing etc., but there's a good chance that she's saying it just to upset you.  All of the other stuff is pretty common and usually just a phase.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 6:35pm

<I don't understand why she was so attracted to him after finding out he smokes pot.>

Maybe it had to do with her knowing that you wouldn't like that about him, or maybe she doesn't care about the pot. I've seen reports that the majority of HS kids have at least tried pot and booze so she may know lots of kids who have done it and sees that it doesn't necessarily *define* them as druggies or alkies. I don't condone kids using drugs or alcohol but I believe there's a big difference between doing it occasionally and doing it regularly. The reality is that over the course of HS your dd will likely have friends who do various things that parents don't approve of, what you will need to figure out is how much your dd is joining them. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2012
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 10:18am

I hear how nervous you are about your daughter - it is clear to me that you care for her well-being and want her to be safe and happy.

I think it is very important that you let her know that you care for her and want the best in life for her.  Ask her how she is doing.  Ask her about school, friends, her extracurricular activities.  Ask her if anything is bothering her.  You mentioned that there have been two losses in your family recently - perhaps she is unsure of how to grieve.  Perhaps the music and the dark clothing/hair are a way for her to express her feelings about her grandparents passing.  I might suggest looking into counseling - a school counselor might be a wonderful first step.

I also don't want you to forget that teenagers at her age often experiment with different identities - they are trying to figure out who they are, which is difficult and oftentimes a scary process for them!  Many people her age dye their hair and change their fashion, music tastes, language just to "make a statement."  This is an important part of the identity-forming process.  As long as your daughter is safe and happy, I wouldn't be too worried about the clothing and the hair color.

I hope you - and she - can find some peace and comfort in your situation!