Pot and 16 Year Old Daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Pot and 16 Year Old Daughter
17
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 9:29am

It has been a LONG and heart-breaking weekend for my family. I don't even know where to begin. So, if this seems to be all over the place, please bear with me.

For about the past year and a half or so, my 16 year old daughter has been in involved with an 18 year old senior. They first met when she was 15 and he was 17. Before we ever met him, she'd told us that he had sex before and had smoked pot...BUT that he'd changed. We didn't like it, at all, but they only saw each other at school and never anywhere else...or so we thought.  Even though she's 16, she's never been allowed to go out on an "actual" date with him yet.  

Well, ever since they've been together, quite a number of things have happened. Let me stop here and add that we had this boy over to our home when they got in a "relationship". My husband took him aside and had a "man-to-man" talk with him.  He told him that he was NEVER to ask our daughter to have sex or be involved in any "inappropriate touching" and he was NEVER to do anything that might cause her harm or to go against how she's been raised (i.e. drugs). My husband said he's never heard anyone say, "Yes, sir" so much in his life. We thought we had a clear understanding of what lines he was not to cross.

Last year, my daughter, all of  a sudden, got into a habit of calling me after school and asking if she could stay after to work on a project, go to a track meet, etc. I didn't think too much of it, at first, but then I became suspicous. My husband decided to drive down to the high school and wait in the parking lot to see if he could see our daughter with her boyfriend. I figured they were just hanging out after school or something.  Well, right after school let out, my husband called and said, "You'll never guess where our little darling is going" and I asked, "Where?" He proceeded to tell me that they were walking hand in hand up the road toward his house...he lives only about 1/4 of a mile from the school. So, my husband drove to the entrance of his neighborhood and waited.  My daughter and her boyfriend spotted him and they stopped dead in their tracks.  He rolled down the window and yelled for our daughter to get in the vehicle NOW!  He brought her home and I was so furious that she'd go behind our backs with the intention of going to his house! We have told her before NEVER to leave the school campus without permission! She gave us tears galore and explained that she was just walking him to the entrance and that she'd never consider going to his house. She was grounded for a couple of weeks, but my husband still had our doubts, though we wanted to badly to believe her.

Now, let me fast forward to about 2 weeks ago.  I had gone up to my daughter's bedroom to change her sheets and when I did, I found a small vibrator under her pillow. When she got home, I confronted her about it and she told me that it was a device she'd ordered from Amazon that causes her bath water to get all bubbly. Good one, huh?  I explained that I was no dummy and I knew exactly what that was. I tried not make a huge deal of it, however, because that sort of thing, in my opinion, is pretty normal for her age.  It got thrown in the trash, immediately. Later that night, I decided to look on Amazon and see what she'd been ordering. I was mortified to learn that she had ordered a set of lighters and strawberry flavored rolling papers! Not good! My husband and I confronted her about them and she had an immediate response. She said her "wonderful boyfriend" had asked her to order them for his best friend.  Apparently, his friend liked to take his father's cigars, remove the tobacco, and smoke it in the flavored rolling papers. She said he couldn't order them online because he didn't have a debit card.  Yeah...another good one. So, we told her that if she were to be allowed to hang out with her boyfriend, again (we sometimes let them meet at the mall for about 2 hours), then he needed to come talk to us first. She understood.

Well, that very next weekend, she'd gone two houses down the road to meet two of her friends. About 30 mins. later, we got a phone call. It was a police officer telling us that he'd found our daughter's boyfriend's car parked in a turnaround spot at the end of our road and it wasn't supposed to be there. He said when he turned on his lights and pulled in behind it, our daughter, her boyfriend, and the two other friends ran over to where he was. Her boyfriend explained that he wasn't supposed to see our daughter before talking to us first. We told him that was the case. He said he was concerned because the boyfriend is 18 and everyone else is 16.  So, my husband had to go to the bottom of our street and pick up our daughter from the officer and bring her home. To say that we were both livid is an understatement. Our daughter's excuse was that her boyfriend called and asked where she was, so she told him. Then, he showed up and "surprised" her...he'd been gone to the beach for a week. We explained our rule that he was supposed to come talk with us BEFORE they were allowed to see each other, again. She put all the blame on her boyfriend and we told her that she should have sent him home right when he showed up and that's where she went wrong. She said she understood and we grounded her for a week. That following weekend, her boyfriend came over and we had a talk with both of them together. We explained how upset and disappointed we were that they'd go behind our backs and meet up. They both swore up and down that it wasn't planned.  We, once again, told the boyfriend what we expected out of him and told him that he was "walking on very thin ice" with us both.  He said "Yes, sir" and "Yes, ma'am" every 5 seconds.  Boy, were we snowed! After the one week of grounding was up, we allowed our daughter to meet her boyfriend at the mall for a couple of hours. Bad mistake.

I have to back track here just a little. About a month ago, we were leaving to go on a trip for Spring Break...my husband, myself, and our daughter. We got the mail on our way to pick up our daughter from school. In our mailbox was a funny looking package delivered to our daughter, so I opened it. Inside was a bag of Salvia. I quickly searched about it on my iPhone and found that kids use it as a means of getting high. My heart sank. When she got in the car, we asked her about it. Without skipping a beat, she told us that she ordered it to whiten her teeth. It did say something about that on the bag...but I still had many reservations, especially after she bought rolling papers and lighters.

Well, last week I was in my daughter's bathroom and I found her Bloggie device on her counter. I thought it was a bit strange and something inside me said to take a look at what was on it. I was not prepared for what I was about to see.  She had made two videos of herself, one in her older sister's bedroom (who's away at college) and another in our upstairs office bathroom. In each video, she's rolling and smoking a joint. I nearly threw up at the very sight of it.  She was so brazen, I couldn't believe it! So, I called my husband who was out of town and he told me to confront her as soon as she got home from school. When she walked in the front door, I told her we needed to talk. I, then, pulled out her Bloggie and asked her to explain.  She said she'd gotten some tea from one of her friends who had told her to smoke it because it would make her feel relaxed, so she did. I was beyond sick and heart broken that my daughter would do something like that!  She assured me she'd never done anything else and it was only that one time. I went up to her room and searched it from top to bottom  She, at first, told me she didn't have anything hidden, then she fessed up and told me where to find her "stash". Under her bookcase, she had a bag containing the lighters, rolling papers, salvia (she got some before I threw the rest away), and the tea). I searched her bathroom, her sister's room, and the office bathroom, as well. I have what I found locked away in a safe, along with her Bloggie and iPod.    

The next afternoon, my husband came home and we sat her down, again, for a long talk.  After pushing and prodding, she finally came clean. I asked if we were to go down and get a drug test, would it come back clean...and she just sat there, not saying a word. So, I took that as she would be positive for drugs. She confessed that she'd smoked pot 2 times about 2 months ago with her boyfriend when we dropped her off at the mall to meet him.  They went down to a park across the street where "pot heads" go and smoked.  Then, she told us that when the police officers called when they'd found her with her boyfriend at the end of the street, they'd planned it all; he didn't just show up. My husband and I were so devastated to know our daughter had lied to us, AGAIN, and had gone down that path. We grounded her for a month...no phone, no computer, no hanging out with anyone!

Well, the next day, I just had a gut feeling that there was more I needed to find out, so I confronted her for answers. She, finally, got honest with me for the first time in a LONG time. She told me that she'd been to her boyfriend's house 3 times before my husband caught them leaving the school. They'd gone to his room and got involved in heavy petting. She assured me they didn't have sex...and for once, I believe her.  She told me that the rolling papers and lighters were for her all along, not her boyfriend's friend.  She said she'd smoked pot 4 or 5 times and the last time was a week ago when we dropped her off at the mall to meet her boyfriend.He provided all the pot. That's why she was so worried about taking a drug test. She said she's smoked it with her best friend, too, at a place outside the mall.  She had it was in her wallet when we drove her to the mall to meet her friend.  She assured me that what she smoked her was tea, not pot. So, she'd woven a whole web of lies.  All of our trust is GONE! I don't know when or if we'll ever get it back.

So, this is where things stand now.  We've told our daughter that she will NEVER be allowed to meet or go anywhere with her boyfriend and we want her to break it off with him ASAP.She acted as though she just doesn't have the strength to do that. So, I'm thinking of texting him a very clear message today telling him to stay away from our daughter. I will go to any lengths I can to protect our daughter from continuing to make bad choices. What do you think I should do? Should my husband go over and talk to his father? We're going to put spywear on her phone so that when she gets it back, we'll be able to track her conversations. I never dreamed my husband and I would have to go through anything like this.  It's always been "someone else's kid", but now it's our own. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.  

Sign me...one very heartbroken mom.     

     

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 10:08am

To add to our troubles, I just received an e-mail from my daughter's geometry teacher informing me that she has a 68 average in his class and has only the final test left to bring it up to a passing grade. Wonderful.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 11:01am

As I was reading your post, I was reminded of a novel by Anne Lamott called "Imperfect Birds."  The older guy, the drug use, the lies that the parents keep believing, the blind eyes parents keep turning - it's exactly the same.

Unfortunately, you've made it very easy over the last 18 months for your daughter to keep going further.  And further.  And further.  If you still believe she hasn't had sex, you are fooling yourself.  You think it's normal for a 16yo girl to have a vibrator?  Uh-uh.  That's a sex toy, and most 16yo girls are NOT playing with them.  You're lucky you didn't find a sex video on her phone because if you think the sight of her rolling a joint is bad, imagine what it could have been.  If you believe she's smoked pot "4 or 5 times" and you don't think she isn't getting high pretty much every chance she gets, you're also fooling yourself.

Now, I don't have kids who are involved in drugs or alcohol (knock wood - even the college student is sober).  But my 20yo and my 12yo have each had significant other issues, and we have in each case taken the bull by the horns.  We sent the older one on Outward Bound after 9th grade and then took him out of public school and sent him to Catholic school - which, he says, saved his life.  The 12yo has been failing 7th grade, and we ignored the well-meaning people who tried to smooth over his difficulties by saying, "Oh, all boys that age are disorganized and don't do their homework"; we sent him for psychoeducational and speech & language evaluations - 12 hours in total - and lo and behold, he DOES have cognitive and emotional issues.  He is most likely going to switch to a private school in the fall.

I do know that DH & I have certain resources that others have - he is a SAHD and we can afford private school - but even if we didn't, we would be intervening in a situation like your DD's so fast it would make your head swim.  I agree with those wise parents who say that forbidding teenagers to see each other will only backfire.  However, drugs are another story.  There would be no opportunities for "Yes ma'am" and "No sir" once drugs came into the picture.  NONE.  He would be gone and/or she would be gone.

I will leave it to others with more experience in this particular situation to offer specific advice, but my general advice is:  TAKE ACTION.  Stop believing anything your DD tells you, for a start.  Assume the worst, because she's proving it is *already* happening.  Get involved with her BF's family, pronto.  Their son is giving your daughter illegal drugs, and there can be legal consequences.  Make it clear that you will pursue them.  If they hate you, and your DD hates you, so be it.  You will have to replace this situation (failing grades, defiant attitude, boyfriend, drugs) with another - you can't just take things away and expect better results.  You may need to send her to a different school, enroll her in volunteer programs, etc. - again, others will have more experience in this than I do - but you must *change* the situation and replace it with something that she can learn to see as equally desirable.  Right now you are giving her nothing but empty threats and unenforced rules, which, compared to the fun of hanging out with her BF and smoking pot, is really not much of an alternative.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 1:37pm

Sorry that you are going through all of this mess. My dd was hell on roller skates although the issues were slightly different...but the end result is the same, a lot of stress for the entire family. Unfortunately there is no easy step by step plan to resolve a set of problems like this.

Like the previous poster said, trying to forbid her from seeing the bf won't work. Since they attend the same school she can see him several times each day. Plus you set up a potential Romeo and Juliet situation, them against the world. She may start sneaking out at night to see him, or telling more lies. Better to attempt to control their time together to some degree, like allowing him to come to your  home when there is parental supervision. Meanwhile maybe she can fill her after-school hours with more wholesome activities like volunteering or participating in a sport etc. Since she has a history and habit of lying you would need to have a method of verifying that she actually attends the activities.

You will need to assume that everything coming out of her mouth is a lie until proven to be the truth. She needs to be told and reminded that she has lost your trust in her word by the past lies, and it is her responsibility to rebuild that trust. In the meantime its a lot more work for you. If she says she's going to her girlfriend's house you should verify that she is there by requiring that she call you from a landline on a regular basis and checking the caller ID to verify that she is where she says she is. Trying to verify whereabouts with other parents works only when you can trust that the other parent is on the same page. Like the old you, most parents want to believe that their teen doesn't do anything wrong, and they stay in denial as long as possible; or they aren't interested in helping you manage your "problem child". Possibly you can install a GPS tracker on her cellphone, that would make it easier to track her movements.

I would take her to the gynecologist to get her tested for STDs and put on birth control. This is not encouraging her to have sex, it is preventing her from complicating lives by getting pregnant at 16. 

Talking to the bf is fine but as you've seen he just says what you want to hear then does what he and she feel like. Trying to talk to his family is worth a shot, but they may not be very cooperative. He is legally an adult and they may have given up on trying to control him anyway. Your best shot is that as an adult providing drugs to a minor he could face legal trouble. You might also want to check stat rape laws in your state but the age difference is probably not enough for a charge like that, and her consent may also matter. I'm not saying to charge him with stat rape, just saying that he needs to understand the severity of his actions as an adult dealing with a minor. Is he is hoping to attend a university in the fall? Problems related to your dd could jeopardize that....OTOH if he goes away in the fall their relationship will probably fizzle out quickly. 

Start drug testing your dd. I don't know much about it but I'm sure you can find a wealth of info on the internet from companies selling the tests. You may find that she has been doing more drugs than pot, or drinking alcohol, etc. Then have a consequence for positive test results.

Its important to realize that your dd is making choices. Its easy to blame the bf but the reality is that your dd has been a willing participant, and the bf may not be the only person encouraging her in these behaviors. Her friends may do the same things, and even if the bf and like-minded friends disappeared she might just find new friends with the same interests. So steel yourself for dealing with problems for the rest of HS, and hope that you get lucky and its not that bad.

I hope that some of these suggestions can help you. Hopefully some more BTDT parents will stop by with other ideas. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Wed, 05-01-2013 - 9:54pm

Gentle hugs to you!!!

And welcome to our corner of the village.

The ladies above have given you very good insight and advice.

BACKGROUND OF WHERE I COME FROM:

I was an Ostrich mother with my head in the sand until I came home from work early one afternoon and found both of our daughters in bed with their boyfriends of nearly three years. The older two were 16½ and the younger two were both a little shy of 15½ (like a half year makes any difference). I did not actually see anything, but it was obvious, and even more so, when they found me in the den when they came out. The deer in the headlight looks left no doubt and no way to escape the facts. It was also clear that this was not the “first or only time.” It had been occurring for several months.

Both daughters were on the pill to regulate periods and were smart enough to check with Planned Parenthood to be sure they were taking them correctly for birth control. A year and a half later both couples were married and a little more than three years into these two teen marriages things are looking extremely good, but so did the Challenger shuttle launch during the first 72 seconds. And yes three sets of parents do worry about things in those out years. Worry is a big part of parenting.

While we were planning the weddings, youngest daughter had an accident with her Nuva ring birth control and we love that little accident along with his younger brother. They are now 2½ and almost 1 with a third little blessing coming in October. A GIRL BABY WOULD BE NICE!!!! (Older daughter has fertility issues that will probably require them to build their family via adoption.)

Hubby and I are blessed to live in a modest middle class home with both couples and watch the little brothers four evenings a week as both couples attend classes together. Each young couple has two bedrooms to retreat into and hubby and I have the master bedroom and bath to retreat into. It works well for us, but I am very aware that this is a bazaar arrangement by most people’s standards.

MY THOUGHTS ON YOUR SITUATION:

The difference between heavy petting and all out sexual intercourse is fractions of a second. Some, like Bill Clinton, do not consider oral sex to be anything more than heavy petting. Others consider the use of a condom to make it heavy petting . . . . OK why not?

My guess is that your daughter is probably having sex by the definition we would use. (At least above the neck, if I can be so crude, but I’m guessing below also.) I would also guess the BF gave her the vibrator, but I could be totally wrong on all counts.
Few guys, who have had sex, forgo the pleasure for eighteen plus months.

Typically teens pick up where they left off with the prior partner. That speaks to the risk of what happens to your daughter when this romance fizzles out. And teens can almost always find a time and a place to do “IT.”

Girls having sex (or even contemplating it by having a vibrator) should be on BIRTH CONTROL, unless the girl or her parents want to deal with pregnancy. You’re not giving your daughter permission or approval for her to have sex, but trying to keep your daughter from complicating a lot of lives—like hers, your grandchild’s and your’s.

(As a side point, hubby and I love our little complications (grandsons) and you will love yours also, but it would be best to postpone them until a better time. What we had going for us with our two couples was serious commitments to each other by both couples. And I know that’s what every caught teen claims, but in these two cases it was true. My guess is that your daughter and this boy have not had the time to develop this type of relationship. And if he is a pot head, you probably don’t want him around or the father of your grandchildren.)

I would suggest the three year birth control implant for your daughter as it has very few failures. Its effectiveness is up there with vasectomy or tubal ligation (or litigation or legislation). (My guess is that the BF has not had a vasectomy yet, nor would he be willing to. You might offer to pay for it. LOL) I think they used to call this three year implant IMPLANON, but now I think it’s called NEXTPLANON and it costs about $800, maybe cheaper at a county or Planned Parenthood office with grants for teens. One of the ladies where I work recently took her daughter to Planned Parenthood where she qualified for total funding. Not something she wanted to do for her daughter, but she recognized reality. As Rose who posts her put it a few months ago, “It’s better to have a teen daughter on birth control than a pregnant teen.”

I have SUBZERO BTDT experience with drugs, other than my sister and I have cousins with kids strung out on all sorts of drugs. One of which is a form of meth called ICE. Sis and I are just happy our kids still think of ICE as something that floats in a soft drink at Costco or 7-11.

Back in the dark ages when I was in high school, the teacher said that students, who had problems with Algebra, often had it easy in Geometry and vice versa. This was true for me. Geometry was a breeze for me. This may be why your DD is having trouble with Geometry or it may be the use of marijuana. If it’s happening in other classes, I would guess the latter, as marijuana tends to have that effect on student grades.

Today’s drugs are not your mother’s drugs from the 60’s or your’s from the 80’s either. They are stronger and more numerous. Today they sell all types of sh*t as bath salts, spice, tea, etcetera, that nobody knows what is in them and probably vary by who made them and some are made with drain cleaner, battery acid, etcetera. Some teens have gone bonkers using them and killed themselves or others while using it. WOW, that’s a trip!

If our teens would have been interested, I probably would have let them experiment with a few six packs of beer, so that they would be in knowledge of what two, three, four, five, and six beers does to you. My philosophy would be that I would rather they learn such in our living room than at the lake or at frat house party.

Our two couples never even experimented with alcohol because the two future SILs had some serious alcoholism issues in their families. Youngest SILs grandfather, father, and older brother are all AA members in good standing. He doesn’t care to join that family tradition or club.

Hubby and I did lots of drinking in college. Screwdrivers for me please!!! (I was really a very screwed up little winch back then. NO LOL on this point.) I went on the wagon while pregnant with our daughters and after that we did drink socially on some occasions, but they became fewer and fewer as the years passed. The last time we “fell of the wagon” was five years ago this summer when I came home early and found the couples having . . . a good time. (The SILs have had a good influence on grandma and grandpa. LOL and truthfully!)

As the ladies above said, it’s not all the BFs fault. Your DD is choosing him and other friends who are likeminded with her. It is very difficult to keep your daughter locked up in her room away from the world. I would start double dating with the daughter and her BF; go to Costco for dogs and pizza and then to the movie Ironman with them this Friday night, and Dairy Queen afterwards. Have him over to watch Netflix with you all and have popcorn on hand, or in the southern tradition Moon Pies and RC Cola with boiled goober beans (raw peanuts boiled. Go shopping with them. DD, it’s this way or not at all.

Ask what his long term plans and dreams are, what her long term plans and dreams are, and what their long term plans are together as a couple, what they are doing to achieve these, etcetera. (A simple truth is that dating is about finding a future life mate. I know that sounds very old fashioned but nonetheless it is correct.) Have honest conversations with both of them. Share with them what your hopes and dreams are for your daughter and “THE GUY.” Explain why drugs aren’t where you want your daughter or HER GUY going and taking your grandchildren with them. Even aspiring pot heads should be able to grasp this.

Hubby and I started having these conversations with our daughters and THE GUYS a couple of years before I came home from work early that afternoon. I knew their hearts. (That may be the sole reason we did not lay all the blame on the guys or shoot them. LOL (As a side note, I’m sure our daughters were at least co-conspirators and our youngest daughter, Little Miss Libido, may have even bedded the Butchman. As the mild aspie he is (Aspie is person with mild Asperger’s Syndrome), I’m not even sure he knew what was happening that first time, but he seems to have liked it.)

I would also be controlling your daughter’s spending. When our daughters were 11 and 12 we turned a chunk of family money over to them to buy school clothes, school lunches, hair care, entertainment, etcetera. With that money came certain conditions, like not dressing like a stripper, hoe cake, or a homeless person, and a complete accounting for every dime of it and any earnings so that it would not be smoked from a bong, snorted, or shot into a vein. THIS ACCOUNTING INCLUDED RECEIPTS for everything. Hubby and I do the same with our spending as it helps you understand “where the money went” better. Had there been a reason, the money and freedom would have been removed from our daughters and they would have sack lunched or gone hungry for fear of the lunch money being used for drugs. (They could sell the prepaid lunch cards for cash to buy drugs.)

Our daughters each had a Visa credit card and a checking account, which we were also on the line for, and I demanded charge slips for each item on those charge cards and payments for what was charged each month; no revolving credit balances allowed. Hubby and I also staple our charge receipts to the statement each month, so this was nothing more than what we require of each other.

My question when I saw the Amazon charges would have been, “Honey, what exactly did you purchase on Amazon.com?” (As a somewhat humorous side story, one of the ladies I work with had a daughter using an electric toothbrush for simulation purposes. So, when hubby was out of town, I reached over and took his spare toothbrush and . . . . JUST JOKING about what I was going to do, but not joking about the lady’s daughter. Paraphrasing what the late Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby said, “Kids do the darndest things.”)

Where I work, we have always had a few parents whose teens were required to come and sit in the lunch room at work after school because of trust issues--a forced study hall. However, not all companies would allow such. Our company has been very lenient on when we take lunch. This allowed these mothers to take lunch from two to three and go pick up their teen for “study hall.” I was allowed to take my lunch to drive down to the community college and pick up our daughters and their guys when they were all taking duel credit classes there during high school hours. If needed, I would hire a retired person to come and babysit her at my home until I got home from work.

DRUG USE IS A VERY SERIOUS ISSUE. The problem with marijuana is that it is an entry level drug that leads to the others; not always, but very frequently it does. The sales pitch from the drug dealers is like this, “Hey dude, if you liked this you’ll really like this sh*t. Like the ladies above, I would be drug testing regularly and taking action as necessary. When she turns 18 and can refuse to test, but no testing means no money from mom and pop.

Cell phones are not for teens that break the rules or refuse to follow the house rules, so I’d take those phones to the office with me, and turn of the internet, if she doesn’t cooperate. Also no car use, etcetera.

If the problem still exists, when she graduates from high school, there would be NO going off to college with family money. Community college is much better than a kid getting really hooked on hard drugs like Meth in a collage dorm where lots of drugs are available from the student campus dealers, or an OD situation where you have to select a coffin for her.

The kids are all different and need special attention in different ways. This DD may need more tough love then the older daughter.
DD, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way, and the choice is up to you.

Nobody ever said being a parent was easy and nobody was certainly correct. (Illogical but true! LOL)

All the best to you and yours as you deal with this. There is usually light at the end of the tunnel and usually it is NOT an oncoming train.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 10:24am
Thank you all for your responses...I really appreciate your input. Let me be very clear about something. My husband and I have done our very best to keep tight reigns on our daughter. She turned 16 seven months ago and has never been allowed to go on a "real date" just yet. Plus, about 5 months ago, we put a GPS tracking device on her cell phone so we could keep track of her whereabouts. She's not allowed to come and go as she pleases...no where near that, in fact. We're almost to the extreme of hovering over her, but she's put us in that position. I am in no way trying to bury my head in the sand and pretend all of the mess never happened, as much as I'd like to do that. My husband and I have addressed the issues straight on and we haven't sugar-coated anything. Truth be told, I have lost trust and respect in my daughter. I do, however, chose to believe that she and her boyfriend only got involved in heavy petting just because of how she reacted when I asked if they'd gone further. She seemed mortified! So, unless I have another reason to think, otherwise, I'll believe that much. Now, it may come back and bite me in the rear, but that's the chance I'll take. Let me, also, be very clear about something else. Our daughter is going to have NO LIFE for the next month! She can't go anywhere, other than school. She will NOT be hanging out with friends or chatting it up on the phone and/or computer. Not happening, at all! She doesn't yet have her license, but only has to take the test. We've told her that's been put on hold until things take a serious upturn. When the grounding has come to an end, we're going to make it very clear to her that we will be doing random drug tests on her for an undisclosed amount of time. If she ever shows positive results, I'm not sure what we'll do, but you can guarantee that there will be SERIOUS consequences! Drug use will not be tolerated and we've made our stance very clear to her. Now, she and my husband went out for a little while last night. She told my husband that her and her "ex-boyfriend" talked at school yesterday...no surprises there. She tried hard to convince my husband that the smoking pot issue was her idea and she should take the blame for it. Oh, she's been blamed alright, but he's 18 and supplied it for her to smoke with him! They both committed a CRIME! I shudder to think what would have happened had they been caught! Might have been the best thing, now that I think about it! Well, after my husband shared with me about their "talk", I checked my daughter's phone to find a message her "ex" had written to me yesterday morning. He said how sorry he was for what he'd done and that he really misses our daughter and would be willing to come over and talk with us so they can start seeing each other, again. Now, I'm not in denial about where there's a will, there's a way! I know that even though we've told them that they are to stay apart, they can and will find ways to get around that. However, my husband and I are bound and determined to do whatever we can to keep them away from each other. As many chances as we've given them and as many times that they've lied to us, we'd be complete fools to just give them our blessing for having a relationship. Talk about tossing our daughter into the lion's den! We've talked to that boy on two different occasions at great lengths about our expectations of him and he's gone back on his word each time. I have ZERO respect and trust for him! Question is...do I respond to his text and what do I say? My husband and I are going to stand our ground and if our daughter ends up hating us, that's the risk we're willing to take. We have to get her back on the right track...and make sure she stays there! Oh, how I wish this were just a really BAD dream!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 11:20am

Hey Kimmy, congrats on the new addition to the family--you are going to have a very busy household with all those little kids running around--maybe that's why you have 6 adults living in the house!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 11:32am

First of all, let me say that I feel for you--I really wouldn't know what to do if one of my kids decided to smoke pot.  I did find out years later that my now 24 yr old DD did try pot, but luckily she didn't make a habit of it--I do know she did drink alcohol when she was in high school though.  I am going to give my opinion here and definitely I don't have all the answers but I just have some observations because when my DD was in high school I also was married to my 2nd DH and he had a DD who was 1 yr younger than my Dd--and talk about 2 girls who were opposite--and 2 different parenting styles too.

I do wonder why your DD who is 16 1/2 has never been on a date--is it because you don't like this boy or you just had that rule?  Back in the olden days (1970's) when I was in high school and I had pretty strict parents who had curfews and everything, I was still allowed to date when I was 16.  Somehow I just think that if you go over the line to being too restrictive it's going to backfire on you & of course the kid is going to want to rebel.  Back again when I was going to college, I remember that the kids who suddenly had freedom from parents' restrictions were the ones who were going crazy with drinking & drugs (the legal drinking age was 18 back then).  I think again grounding her from everything for a month is so restrictive--as one of the former regular posters on here (Bunnierose) use to say--if you take away everything from the kids, then they might as well break the rules cause they have nothing else to lose.

I really do have to laugh about your DH sitting down with the boy & telling him not to have sex with her--seriously?  do you think any boy is not going to pretend that he will go along with all the rules?  I mean what is he going to say--I can't wait to bang your DD.  I would never think of talking to the boy--I would concentrate on talking to my own child about my expectations and hopes for her.  I might have gotten a little grossed out about finding a vibrator--but honestly, the vibrator isn't going to get her pregnant or an STD--better that she use that than be having sex.  at this point I probably would put her on b/c just to be safe.  And if you think that the mandatory keeping them apart is going to work at all if they go to school together--forget it.  My son reported to me that there is a bridge between the 2 parts of his school and that kids were having oral sex  right there in a public place--so don't you think they could sneak off to a dark corner, the bathroom, etc.?  Or even sneak out of school during the day since he so conveniently lives close to the school?  I think that the more you make him the pariah, the more attractive being with him is going to become as well.

what I'd concentrate on now is making sure she is studying enough to get her math grade up so she can pass and probably institue the drug testing.  I think I'd let her see the BF but for now only in your house--tell him up front that it's the only way you can supervise that they aren't smoking pot because they have broken your trust & need to earn it back.  An 18 yr old might get a little tired of being supervised by mom & dad, so maybe that will hasten the end of the relationship too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 1:17pm
The reason my daughter hasn't been allowed to go on an "actual date" with her one and only boyfriend is for several reasons. He is 18 and a senior and just got his license about 3 months ago, then got a car. His father just recently allowed him to begin driving others in his car. Secondly, why in the world would my husband and I EVER consider allowing them to date, especially now? I just went on his Twitter account this morning and was SICKENED by the things he tweeted about. He talks very openly about smoking joints, blunts, getting high, and getting drunk...you name it! Sending her out in a car with him would be a HORRIBLE decision to make! Plus, why in the world would ever consider allowing him to be in our home when he's supplied our daughter with pot on several occasions? NO WAY is that going to happen! I know that they could very easily find ways to go behind our backs; they've done it before, but I certainly am not going to sit back and make it easy for that to happen. We're to the point of going to have a serious discussion with the father of her "ex-boyfriend" if this stuff continues. We've given that boy more chances than I ever wanted to and he's blown each one! I think it's very important for a father of a daughter to sit the boy down who has intentions of dating his daughter and explain his expectations of him. We did that with our oldest daughter, as well. You have to try and put a little fear in them, you know? It may work...it may not, but you have to try! This situation that we're in is not to be taken lightly! Our daughter, who has never been in any kind of trouble, chose to smoke pot and Lord know what else...all after getting in a relationship with her boyfriend. When he entered the picture is when everything changed. If I have to pull her out of the school she now attends, I will. My husband will go to any lengths to make certain that our daughter survives these tumultuous years.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 2:28pm

We've given that boy more chances than I ever wanted to and he's blown each one!

Well, here's the thing - why give him any chances at all?  You obviously haven't put any fear in him.  It just gave him the opportunity to suck up and then do what he wants.

I would ignore his text to you.  You do not owe him any further conversation. 

As for dating, it's irrelevant to most kids.  Hanging out, getting high, having sex - if that's what they're into, who cares about dating?

Having sent one of my kids to private school to get him out of an environment that I thought was keeping him from growing as a person, I can tell you that lots of kids get sent to Catholic school because of drug use or to separate them from a bad relationship.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  You have to look at the whole picture.  DS actually had more freedom at this Catholic school than at public school, since he had to take rush-hour-only public buses to get there, which gave him over an hour of after-school downtime.  Fortunately we were able to get him to use it (mostly) wisely but had he been inclined to do drugs or meet up with unsavory people, it would have been a great opportunity.  So be careful to look at the whole thing.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 05-02-2013 - 5:06pm

"Plus, why in the world would ever consider allowing him to be in our home when he's supplied our daughter with pot on several occasions?"

There is wisdom in the expression "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer". Because if he's in your home you can supervise, you can get to know him and vice versa, you can become a real person (not just gf'd strict parent) to whom he might eventually feel some sense of responsibility or accountability. Right now he just thinks you hate him. There's no "like" to lose.

We chose the tack of "kill 'em with kindness" for my dd's parade of sketchy bf's. (I'm pretty sure that she chose them because she thought they had access to drugs or other illicit fun). So we would have them at the house, invite them to dinner, make a point to chat with them. Then dd would see them in context to her family, which she pretended didn't matter but in reality she cared about us very much. They show their true colors when forced to relate to the parents in a normal setting---not when being read the riot act by an angry dad. I think it goes without saying that no parents WANT a teen boy to have sex with their dd or to provide her with drugs; what did your dh tell the bf would happen if he did any of the things your dh mentioned? We never did "have a talk" with any of the bf's, they learned from seeing the family function that dd has parents who care and are paying attention. And, as others said, he may not want to spend his evenings sitting around your living room with a parent peeking in, when he could be out partying with his friends---so that could run him off/make your dd disenchanted with him better than any restrictions you can put in place. I realize that you are not at all comfortable with this approach, at least right now. But please keep your options open because you are making choices from a place of anger and fear, not always the best starting point. 

You said that you put GPS tracking on your dd's phone, how did you not know that she was going to the bf's house?

Just a couple of other thoughts....as others said, the kids with the least freedom are the kids that go the most wild. And if you take everything away then there is nothing to lose. This approach works with some kids but backfires with others so proceed carefully. Is there a plan in place for how your dd will re-earn her privleges?

Changing schools could help, but not necessarily. All high schools have kids that are in to drugs or partying nd your dd will gravitate towards them if that is her thing. After all, your dd knew the bf's repuatation and she decided to get involved with him. SHE has to want to make a change of scene.

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