Pot and 16 Year Old Daughter
Find a Conversation
|Mon, 04-29-2013 - 9:29am|
It has been a LONG and heart-breaking weekend for my family. I don't even know where to begin. So, if this seems to be all over the place, please bear with me.
For about the past year and a half or so, my 16 year old daughter has been in involved with an 18 year old senior. They first met when she was 15 and he was 17. Before we ever met him, she'd told us that he had sex before and had smoked pot...BUT that he'd changed. We didn't like it, at all, but they only saw each other at school and never anywhere else...or so we thought. Even though she's 16, she's never been allowed to go out on an "actual" date with him yet.
Well, ever since they've been together, quite a number of things have happened. Let me stop here and add that we had this boy over to our home when they got in a "relationship". My husband took him aside and had a "man-to-man" talk with him. He told him that he was NEVER to ask our daughter to have sex or be involved in any "inappropriate touching" and he was NEVER to do anything that might cause her harm or to go against how she's been raised (i.e. drugs). My husband said he's never heard anyone say, "Yes, sir" so much in his life. We thought we had a clear understanding of what lines he was not to cross.
Last year, my daughter, all of a sudden, got into a habit of calling me after school and asking if she could stay after to work on a project, go to a track meet, etc. I didn't think too much of it, at first, but then I became suspicous. My husband decided to drive down to the high school and wait in the parking lot to see if he could see our daughter with her boyfriend. I figured they were just hanging out after school or something. Well, right after school let out, my husband called and said, "You'll never guess where our little darling is going" and I asked, "Where?" He proceeded to tell me that they were walking hand in hand up the road toward his house...he lives only about 1/4 of a mile from the school. So, my husband drove to the entrance of his neighborhood and waited. My daughter and her boyfriend spotted him and they stopped dead in their tracks. He rolled down the window and yelled for our daughter to get in the vehicle NOW! He brought her home and I was so furious that she'd go behind our backs with the intention of going to his house! We have told her before NEVER to leave the school campus without permission! She gave us tears galore and explained that she was just walking him to the entrance and that she'd never consider going to his house. She was grounded for a couple of weeks, but my husband still had our doubts, though we wanted to badly to believe her.
Now, let me fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. I had gone up to my daughter's bedroom to change her sheets and when I did, I found a small vibrator under her pillow. When she got home, I confronted her about it and she told me that it was a device she'd ordered from Amazon that causes her bath water to get all bubbly. Good one, huh? I explained that I was no dummy and I knew exactly what that was. I tried not make a huge deal of it, however, because that sort of thing, in my opinion, is pretty normal for her age. It got thrown in the trash, immediately. Later that night, I decided to look on Amazon and see what she'd been ordering. I was mortified to learn that she had ordered a set of lighters and strawberry flavored rolling papers! Not good! My husband and I confronted her about them and she had an immediate response. She said her "wonderful boyfriend" had asked her to order them for his best friend. Apparently, his friend liked to take his father's cigars, remove the tobacco, and smoke it in the flavored rolling papers. She said he couldn't order them online because he didn't have a debit card. Yeah...another good one. So, we told her that if she were to be allowed to hang out with her boyfriend, again (we sometimes let them meet at the mall for about 2 hours), then he needed to come talk to us first. She understood.
Well, that very next weekend, she'd gone two houses down the road to meet two of her friends. About 30 mins. later, we got a phone call. It was a police officer telling us that he'd found our daughter's boyfriend's car parked in a turnaround spot at the end of our road and it wasn't supposed to be there. He said when he turned on his lights and pulled in behind it, our daughter, her boyfriend, and the two other friends ran over to where he was. Her boyfriend explained that he wasn't supposed to see our daughter before talking to us first. We told him that was the case. He said he was concerned because the boyfriend is 18 and everyone else is 16. So, my husband had to go to the bottom of our street and pick up our daughter from the officer and bring her home. To say that we were both livid is an understatement. Our daughter's excuse was that her boyfriend called and asked where she was, so she told him. Then, he showed up and "surprised" her...he'd been gone to the beach for a week. We explained our rule that he was supposed to come talk with us BEFORE they were allowed to see each other, again. She put all the blame on her boyfriend and we told her that she should have sent him home right when he showed up and that's where she went wrong. She said she understood and we grounded her for a week. That following weekend, her boyfriend came over and we had a talk with both of them together. We explained how upset and disappointed we were that they'd go behind our backs and meet up. They both swore up and down that it wasn't planned. We, once again, told the boyfriend what we expected out of him and told him that he was "walking on very thin ice" with us both. He said "Yes, sir" and "Yes, ma'am" every 5 seconds. Boy, were we snowed! After the one week of grounding was up, we allowed our daughter to meet her boyfriend at the mall for a couple of hours. Bad mistake.
I have to back track here just a little. About a month ago, we were leaving to go on a trip for Spring Break...my husband, myself, and our daughter. We got the mail on our way to pick up our daughter from school. In our mailbox was a funny looking package delivered to our daughter, so I opened it. Inside was a bag of Salvia. I quickly searched about it on my iPhone and found that kids use it as a means of getting high. My heart sank. When she got in the car, we asked her about it. Without skipping a beat, she told us that she ordered it to whiten her teeth. It did say something about that on the bag...but I still had many reservations, especially after she bought rolling papers and lighters.
Well, last week I was in my daughter's bathroom and I found her Bloggie device on her counter. I thought it was a bit strange and something inside me said to take a look at what was on it. I was not prepared for what I was about to see. She had made two videos of herself, one in her older sister's bedroom (who's away at college) and another in our upstairs office bathroom. In each video, she's rolling and smoking a joint. I nearly threw up at the very sight of it. She was so brazen, I couldn't believe it! So, I called my husband who was out of town and he told me to confront her as soon as she got home from school. When she walked in the front door, I told her we needed to talk. I, then, pulled out her Bloggie and asked her to explain. She said she'd gotten some tea from one of her friends who had told her to smoke it because it would make her feel relaxed, so she did. I was beyond sick and heart broken that my daughter would do something like that! She assured me she'd never done anything else and it was only that one time. I went up to her room and searched it from top to bottom She, at first, told me she didn't have anything hidden, then she fessed up and told me where to find her "stash". Under her bookcase, she had a bag containing the lighters, rolling papers, salvia (she got some before I threw the rest away), and the tea). I searched her bathroom, her sister's room, and the office bathroom, as well. I have what I found locked away in a safe, along with her Bloggie and iPod.
The next afternoon, my husband came home and we sat her down, again, for a long talk. After pushing and prodding, she finally came clean. I asked if we were to go down and get a drug test, would it come back clean...and she just sat there, not saying a word. So, I took that as she would be positive for drugs. She confessed that she'd smoked pot 2 times about 2 months ago with her boyfriend when we dropped her off at the mall to meet him. They went down to a park across the street where "pot heads" go and smoked. Then, she told us that when the police officers called when they'd found her with her boyfriend at the end of the street, they'd planned it all; he didn't just show up. My husband and I were so devastated to know our daughter had lied to us, AGAIN, and had gone down that path. We grounded her for a month...no phone, no computer, no hanging out with anyone!
Well, the next day, I just had a gut feeling that there was more I needed to find out, so I confronted her for answers. She, finally, got honest with me for the first time in a LONG time. She told me that she'd been to her boyfriend's house 3 times before my husband caught them leaving the school. They'd gone to his room and got involved in heavy petting. She assured me they didn't have sex...and for once, I believe her. She told me that the rolling papers and lighters were for her all along, not her boyfriend's friend. She said she'd smoked pot 4 or 5 times and the last time was a week ago when we dropped her off at the mall to meet her boyfriend.He provided all the pot. That's why she was so worried about taking a drug test. She said she's smoked it with her best friend, too, at a place outside the mall. She had it was in her wallet when we drove her to the mall to meet her friend. She assured me that what she smoked her was tea, not pot. So, she'd woven a whole web of lies. All of our trust is GONE! I don't know when or if we'll ever get it back.
So, this is where things stand now. We've told our daughter that she will NEVER be allowed to meet or go anywhere with her boyfriend and we want her to break it off with him ASAP.She acted as though she just doesn't have the strength to do that. So, I'm thinking of texting him a very clear message today telling him to stay away from our daughter. I will go to any lengths I can to protect our daughter from continuing to make bad choices. What do you think I should do? Should my husband go over and talk to his father? We're going to put spywear on her phone so that when she gets it back, we'll be able to track her conversations. I never dreamed my husband and I would have to go through anything like this. It's always been "someone else's kid", but now it's our own. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.
Sign me...one very heartbroken mom.