Pot and 16 Year Old Daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Pot and 16 Year Old Daughter
17
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 9:29am

It has been a LONG and heart-breaking weekend for my family. I don't even know where to begin. So, if this seems to be all over the place, please bear with me.

For about the past year and a half or so, my 16 year old daughter has been in involved with an 18 year old senior. They first met when she was 15 and he was 17. Before we ever met him, she'd told us that he had sex before and had smoked pot...BUT that he'd changed. We didn't like it, at all, but they only saw each other at school and never anywhere else...or so we thought.  Even though she's 16, she's never been allowed to go out on an "actual" date with him yet.  

Well, ever since they've been together, quite a number of things have happened. Let me stop here and add that we had this boy over to our home when they got in a "relationship". My husband took him aside and had a "man-to-man" talk with him.  He told him that he was NEVER to ask our daughter to have sex or be involved in any "inappropriate touching" and he was NEVER to do anything that might cause her harm or to go against how she's been raised (i.e. drugs). My husband said he's never heard anyone say, "Yes, sir" so much in his life. We thought we had a clear understanding of what lines he was not to cross.

Last year, my daughter, all of  a sudden, got into a habit of calling me after school and asking if she could stay after to work on a project, go to a track meet, etc. I didn't think too much of it, at first, but then I became suspicous. My husband decided to drive down to the high school and wait in the parking lot to see if he could see our daughter with her boyfriend. I figured they were just hanging out after school or something.  Well, right after school let out, my husband called and said, "You'll never guess where our little darling is going" and I asked, "Where?" He proceeded to tell me that they were walking hand in hand up the road toward his house...he lives only about 1/4 of a mile from the school. So, my husband drove to the entrance of his neighborhood and waited.  My daughter and her boyfriend spotted him and they stopped dead in their tracks.  He rolled down the window and yelled for our daughter to get in the vehicle NOW!  He brought her home and I was so furious that she'd go behind our backs with the intention of going to his house! We have told her before NEVER to leave the school campus without permission! She gave us tears galore and explained that she was just walking him to the entrance and that she'd never consider going to his house. She was grounded for a couple of weeks, but my husband still had our doubts, though we wanted to badly to believe her.

Now, let me fast forward to about 2 weeks ago.  I had gone up to my daughter's bedroom to change her sheets and when I did, I found a small vibrator under her pillow. When she got home, I confronted her about it and she told me that it was a device she'd ordered from Amazon that causes her bath water to get all bubbly. Good one, huh?  I explained that I was no dummy and I knew exactly what that was. I tried not make a huge deal of it, however, because that sort of thing, in my opinion, is pretty normal for her age.  It got thrown in the trash, immediately. Later that night, I decided to look on Amazon and see what she'd been ordering. I was mortified to learn that she had ordered a set of lighters and strawberry flavored rolling papers! Not good! My husband and I confronted her about them and she had an immediate response. She said her "wonderful boyfriend" had asked her to order them for his best friend.  Apparently, his friend liked to take his father's cigars, remove the tobacco, and smoke it in the flavored rolling papers. She said he couldn't order them online because he didn't have a debit card.  Yeah...another good one. So, we told her that if she were to be allowed to hang out with her boyfriend, again (we sometimes let them meet at the mall for about 2 hours), then he needed to come talk to us first. She understood.

Well, that very next weekend, she'd gone two houses down the road to meet two of her friends. About 30 mins. later, we got a phone call. It was a police officer telling us that he'd found our daughter's boyfriend's car parked in a turnaround spot at the end of our road and it wasn't supposed to be there. He said when he turned on his lights and pulled in behind it, our daughter, her boyfriend, and the two other friends ran over to where he was. Her boyfriend explained that he wasn't supposed to see our daughter before talking to us first. We told him that was the case. He said he was concerned because the boyfriend is 18 and everyone else is 16.  So, my husband had to go to the bottom of our street and pick up our daughter from the officer and bring her home. To say that we were both livid is an understatement. Our daughter's excuse was that her boyfriend called and asked where she was, so she told him. Then, he showed up and "surprised" her...he'd been gone to the beach for a week. We explained our rule that he was supposed to come talk with us BEFORE they were allowed to see each other, again. She put all the blame on her boyfriend and we told her that she should have sent him home right when he showed up and that's where she went wrong. She said she understood and we grounded her for a week. That following weekend, her boyfriend came over and we had a talk with both of them together. We explained how upset and disappointed we were that they'd go behind our backs and meet up. They both swore up and down that it wasn't planned.  We, once again, told the boyfriend what we expected out of him and told him that he was "walking on very thin ice" with us both.  He said "Yes, sir" and "Yes, ma'am" every 5 seconds.  Boy, were we snowed! After the one week of grounding was up, we allowed our daughter to meet her boyfriend at the mall for a couple of hours. Bad mistake.

I have to back track here just a little. About a month ago, we were leaving to go on a trip for Spring Break...my husband, myself, and our daughter. We got the mail on our way to pick up our daughter from school. In our mailbox was a funny looking package delivered to our daughter, so I opened it. Inside was a bag of Salvia. I quickly searched about it on my iPhone and found that kids use it as a means of getting high. My heart sank. When she got in the car, we asked her about it. Without skipping a beat, she told us that she ordered it to whiten her teeth. It did say something about that on the bag...but I still had many reservations, especially after she bought rolling papers and lighters.

Well, last week I was in my daughter's bathroom and I found her Bloggie device on her counter. I thought it was a bit strange and something inside me said to take a look at what was on it. I was not prepared for what I was about to see.  She had made two videos of herself, one in her older sister's bedroom (who's away at college) and another in our upstairs office bathroom. In each video, she's rolling and smoking a joint. I nearly threw up at the very sight of it.  She was so brazen, I couldn't believe it! So, I called my husband who was out of town and he told me to confront her as soon as she got home from school. When she walked in the front door, I told her we needed to talk. I, then, pulled out her Bloggie and asked her to explain.  She said she'd gotten some tea from one of her friends who had told her to smoke it because it would make her feel relaxed, so she did. I was beyond sick and heart broken that my daughter would do something like that!  She assured me she'd never done anything else and it was only that one time. I went up to her room and searched it from top to bottom  She, at first, told me she didn't have anything hidden, then she fessed up and told me where to find her "stash". Under her bookcase, she had a bag containing the lighters, rolling papers, salvia (she got some before I threw the rest away), and the tea). I searched her bathroom, her sister's room, and the office bathroom, as well. I have what I found locked away in a safe, along with her Bloggie and iPod.    

The next afternoon, my husband came home and we sat her down, again, for a long talk.  After pushing and prodding, she finally came clean. I asked if we were to go down and get a drug test, would it come back clean...and she just sat there, not saying a word. So, I took that as she would be positive for drugs. She confessed that she'd smoked pot 2 times about 2 months ago with her boyfriend when we dropped her off at the mall to meet him.  They went down to a park across the street where "pot heads" go and smoked.  Then, she told us that when the police officers called when they'd found her with her boyfriend at the end of the street, they'd planned it all; he didn't just show up. My husband and I were so devastated to know our daughter had lied to us, AGAIN, and had gone down that path. We grounded her for a month...no phone, no computer, no hanging out with anyone!

Well, the next day, I just had a gut feeling that there was more I needed to find out, so I confronted her for answers. She, finally, got honest with me for the first time in a LONG time. She told me that she'd been to her boyfriend's house 3 times before my husband caught them leaving the school. They'd gone to his room and got involved in heavy petting. She assured me they didn't have sex...and for once, I believe her.  She told me that the rolling papers and lighters were for her all along, not her boyfriend's friend.  She said she'd smoked pot 4 or 5 times and the last time was a week ago when we dropped her off at the mall to meet her boyfriend.He provided all the pot. That's why she was so worried about taking a drug test. She said she's smoked it with her best friend, too, at a place outside the mall.  She had it was in her wallet when we drove her to the mall to meet her friend.  She assured me that what she smoked her was tea, not pot. So, she'd woven a whole web of lies.  All of our trust is GONE! I don't know when or if we'll ever get it back.

So, this is where things stand now.  We've told our daughter that she will NEVER be allowed to meet or go anywhere with her boyfriend and we want her to break it off with him ASAP.She acted as though she just doesn't have the strength to do that. So, I'm thinking of texting him a very clear message today telling him to stay away from our daughter. I will go to any lengths I can to protect our daughter from continuing to make bad choices. What do you think I should do? Should my husband go over and talk to his father? We're going to put spywear on her phone so that when she gets it back, we'll be able to track her conversations. I never dreamed my husband and I would have to go through anything like this.  It's always been "someone else's kid", but now it's our own. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.  

Sign me...one very heartbroken mom.     

     

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 1:16am

Thank you, Musiclover, and you’re sooooooooo very correct about needing all hands on deck. LOL It’s a team effort for sure.

Doxie, there is more good advice from the ladies above.

Now, with more of the facts in view, I can see your position much more clearly than last evening. Old dumb me, I was picturing this as a BF having smoked a FEW joints, etcetera. Obviously, NOT CORRECT!!!!!!!!! You’ve been looking into where their hearts are and that is what is troubling.

As one or more of the ladies above have alluded to, you don’t want to drive them together or for your daughter to do something stupid like get pregnant. I’ve seen a few of those type situations. You and hubby have a tough situation for certain.

Also every kid and every family dynamic is different. And we don’t fully understand your kid or family dynamics. Below is what I would consider doing.

I would set aside a few hours on a Saturday to have a sit down conversation with the BF and DD, like maybe 10:00 AM to 9:00 PM, if necessary. Saturday so that I could somewhat recover for work on Monday morning. I would do this after having time for hubby and me to make a LONG list of all the questions we could think of. If the BF was under 18, I would want his parents there also. This BF is over 18. I’d start off by letting both of them express their thoughts for as long as they wanted to. It probably won’t total more than 10 or 15 minutes. Both you and hubby should be taking notes. I would make sure any questions of theirs were answered with your questions after they finished with their opening presentation. I would work their questions into my questions.
Then, when they finish with their opening presentation, I would start CALMLY asking lots of questions. Questions along the lines of:

BF and DD, we discussed our expectations with you some time back and we feel that you both have disregarded those expectations. Could you explain where we are mistaken?

Could you explain why we should not be disturbed by this?

BF and DD, it appears that both of you have been deceitful at times. Could each of you explain why we should believe and trust you about anything?

BF, it appears that you have been providing drugs to our daughter. Yes marijuana is considered to be a drug. Could you explain why we should not be disturbed by this?

BF, are you aware that providing marijuana to a minor is a crime?

DD, can you explain why we should allow you to continue to be exposed to this type of situation?

BF, besides marijuana, what other drugs have you used in the past?

Have you ever sold marijuana or other drugs, even small amounts?

Are you aware that drug dealers go to prison for long periods of time?

BF, do you have any understanding as to why we would not want our daughter involved with drugs and other criminal activities?

DD, can you understand that?

DD, are you aware that after Marijuana comes harder drugs?

DD, do you know that is the path to drug addiction?

Have either of you ever seen what hardcore heroin, cocaine, meth addicts look like?

Is that where you want to end up?

Are you two aware of the carnage and death that users of these drugs are causing the citizens, many of them totally innocent, in Mexico?

Do you even give a Hoover Dam about what happens to those people?

Are you aware that those drugs often are cultivated with pesticides and other chemicals that are proven to be dangerous to humans and when you smoke them you’re ingesting those chemicals into your body?

BF and DD, we’re not asking for a confession of where you two have been but rather an understanding of where you two think the line is. According to your understanding of these terms, please define them and describe where the line is between heavy petting and sexual intercourse?

Can you describe the difference between heavy petting and foreplay before having sexual intercourse?

Is there really any difference?

How long do you think a couple can heavy pet before going further?

Can each of you tell us where you see your petting going to?

What exacly your intentions on this subject?

Do you know where babies come from?

Are you aware that every month about 20% of sexually active woman without birth control get pregnant?

Did you two know that a girl can be both a virgin and pregnant when even one of his swimmers lands near the opening of her vagina and swims into an egg—penetration of the vagina is not required for that to happen?

Speaking of that subject, what are your plans when you are pregnant?

We mean both of you because pregnancy is a you and your issue, not a her problem?

Have you discussed it?

Can you understand why we don’t want our daughter KNOCKED-UP?

Can you understand why we don’t want our daughter used for you gratification BF?

ETCETERA, ETCETERA, ETCETERA

Let them find the correct answer by asking questions. When they are not on the correct path or avoiding the correct path, ask another question to direct them back on to the correct path. This is known as the Socratic method of teaching. Done correctly it is said to be more effective than lecturing or any other method.

The key to it is for you and hubby to CALMLY keep your emotions in check and keep the heat on them. When you get down to your thoughts on the subject, do it with a question, like:

Since DD is our daughter and we don’t want our daughter to be using marijuana and other drugs, can you two understand why we are unwilling to let her date you BF?

Since DD is our daughter and we don’t want her heavy petting or more, can you understand why we are unwilling to let her date you BF?

BF, if everything was reversed and you were the father, as you will probably be one day in the future, how would you handle this situation regarding your DD?

What steps would you take to protect your daughter?

What would be required to change your feelings about your daughter’s BF—a BF with the history we are discussing here?

I understand that you may not agree with our opinion of the situation, but if you did, how would you go about making sure things were as the boy and your daughter were telling you?

BF how can we change your behavior to match our expectations of the fine young man that we think you are capable of becoming?
BF what are your long term college and career goals?

BF, can you understand why those issues are important to potential future in-laws (like my old lady and me)?

ETCETERA, ETCETERA, ETCETERA

When it comes to sexual activity, you want to be somewhat careful as the information can be tooooooo much. For example, there are many things I would like to have asked when I came home early that afternoon and found the couples were having sex. However, I limited my questions and I’m glad I did because there are some things that just should not be discussed. There is such a thing as having to much information. Don’t know why, but this thought came to my mind early on, “Kimmy would you like to discussed your sex life with your parents or your parents’ sex life with your parents? UH . . . NO!!!!”

After quickly sending the guys out the front door, the questions and answers that night were:

I want simple YES or NO answers to these questions.

You’re both having sex with your guys? YES. YES.

Was this your first time? NO. NO
.
It has been happening for some period of time, correct? YES. YES.

OK, at some point when your dad comes home (from a business trip in a few days) we will have to discuss this further with you, the guys, and their parents. For now, I want a commitment to no more sex; no going into the guys’ homes; no guys coming into our home. Do I have that commitment? YES. YES.

You get a single five-minute phone call tonight. Call the guys and tell them that there will be NO phone call from me to their parents this evening, but at some point in the very near future each of them will need to discuss this with their parents. Understood? YES. YES.

The normal school carpooling arrangements will continue.

The reason I stopped there is that my head was spinning and I really didn’t know what to do next, other than start screaming and I figured that would not accomplish much good. I also didn’t have a long list of questions ready and the above few questions established what the facts were.

(As a side point, I think they kept their word about the no sex commitment, but no sex commitments do have limits on how long they will work.)

Saturday morning, after hubby got home, the above type of very long Q & A conversation (interrogation or deposition) began with the girls and the following weekend with each couple and the boy’s parents--first one couple and then the other couple. The other couple mowed lawns while we met each couple and his parents. The boy’s parents did not blame our daughters or high-5 their guys. Nor did hubby and I blame their sons. It takes two to Tango, ride a titter-totter, play tennis, etcetera. By this time all the parents knew each other very well and we all knew the hearts of each of the four. The two couples had gone on vacations with all three sets of parents.

During these types of sessions, you learn some things that may not mean much at the time, but, at a later time, come back to be a window into their mind set. One of these odd things was a reference to private vows each couple made to each other the prior summer while we were on vacation at Greyton State Beach in Destin, Florida, with hubby sleeping with the guys and me with the girls. Those vows made out in the gulf a hundred feet or so from the beach are significant enough to each couple that the date of those vows is engraved into each couples wedding bands, not the wedding date nearly thirty months after that earlier date. During the long conversations that occurred after both couples started asking to “go all the way” which to them meant marriage, it became apparent that in their minds the wedding was a formalizing of those earlier vows. Kinky, I know, but also true.

The time line is very important to understanding these two couples. The boys were 10 and 11 when the older boy’s family moved into a house a few doors away from the younger. They became best pals, with older looking after the younger boy in the social interactions because the younger one has mild Asperger’s Syndrome. Younger boy became the older boys tutor for life. They’re somewhat like the STARWARS characters CPO3 and R2D2. When older boy took a liking to our older daughter, he and the older daughter arranged a date to the school Halloween dance for our younger daughter and the younger boy. They were all 12 and 13, when the guys came to our door to pick up the girls. I KNEW THEY WERE “THE GUYS.” Not really. Their mothers were in the car and would be helping at the dance. The following summer when we got home from our summer vacation, these two guys were waiting for us with candy and flowers for each girl. We were a couple of hours late and the father of the youngest boy napped in the back of his SUV while the boys waited on our front porch. The younger two skipped out of the talented and gifted program and started high school with the older two. From then on it was the same classes for all four, except PE, a common lawn mowing business, and grand plans for long term education and career goals. The younger two started on a fitness and exercise program that took them from Fat Freddy and Phat Patty to trim and buff. About 22 months after that first dance they made those private vows, with each couple having already merged finances along with most every other facit of their lives.

Teens do not have good common sense (cents or since). What your daughter probably does not fully realize is that the distance between heavy petting and all out sexual intercourse is only separated by a split second or two—especially with a boy who has already done the deed. Given a slight moment of her hesitation or weakness and the deed is done. The first time around some guys have performance issues that a guy with experience does not.

The reason that I suggested the three year implant NEXTPLANON for your daughter is that many of the other forms of birth control are subject to human failure or even sabotage. Compliance is not so much of a major issue with the implant.

Our youngest daughter failed to do the yucky daily task of checking to make sure the Nuva ring was in place until she found it in the sheets she was removing from the dryer. OOPSE! FWIW, our OBgyn thinks that in the real world the pill is only about 90% effective. Those are not good odds over the long haul. And if the girl chooses to, she can skip pills, remove the patch, remove the Nuva ring, etcetera.

Once the girl is pregnant, there are only these three choices for her, become a parent, put the child up for adoption, and abortion. All are very complicating. Many women, perhaps most, perhaps even all but a very few woman who have abortions will never be bothered by it. However, there are a few, maybe more than we would ever know, are traumatized by it in the out years. I have personally known a few of these. This is not something that anyone would want for their daughter. Adoption is the truly incredibly painful, but also an incredibly wonderful gift of love to the child and some couple, perhaps some couple like our older couple with fertility issues. I have also observed girls and woman who made this choice. And then we all know gals who are single mothers because the guy did not stick around for the long haul. Birth control helps reduce this choice from having to be made.

I'm not sure how much this ramble of mine will help you, but I thought I would share it with you in the hope that it might.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 11:11am

Kimmy, what an AWESOME story.  Some of it I already knew, but really - your kids are special, and SO ARE YOU!  There's no way those kids could ever doubt how much you love them and want what is best for them.

And you know, you & your husband demonstrated amazing credibility with all those kids.  You made - and got - commitments that were reasonable.  You didn't freak out in front of them.  You didn't try to scare them, you made them THINK.  I'm totally awed. :)

I don't know that I would have done something exactly the same, but DH & I have done similar lines of questioning in other situations.  Our kids - even at 18 & 20 - still ask us - for permission, for opinions.  Simply because they know that we are really going to think about it and explain our decisions, not give knee-jerk, reactive responses.  When our oldest wanted to know if he could have a "sleepover" when his SO came to visit him from Europe, I knew nothing would happen but I still said no, and he understood why.  When at age 15 he wanted to go to a dance at an LGBTQ center that was for young people ages 14 to 25, I explained that if it were for under-18s only, we would let him, but that at 15 he wasn't ready to be socializing with 21yos, and he understood why.

I think when kids understand how their actions affect others - even indirectly - and when parents have credibility due to consistency and integrity of their own actions, kids feel a much greater sense of personal responsibility.

OTOH our OP has a situation which simply hasn't arisen in our family, and that is substance abuse.  My entire family, from Dad to siblings to me & DH, are daily drinkers, but we can just as easily skip it when the situation dictates it (or the beer or wine is crappy, LOL).  None of us smoke anything of any kind - it's just not in our DNA to be interested in it.  I would not pretend that having credible parents and a strong sense of family will eliminate any chance of kids becoming addicted.  Addiction is a terrible thing that takes more than just caring family members to control.  However, I'll bet your suggestions for questioning the DD & BF will certainly get the girl thinking even if the boy is too far gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 10:36pm

Mahopac, thank you for your kind words.

We all go where we must and do what we must. I think the most important thing you can do for your kids is to love them unconditionally. That does not mean you just roll over, but as they get older you do have to turn loose and hang around to help pick up the pieces to rebuild their life when they need you. Somewhat like when you take off the training wheels on their bicycle.

And if I sound like I know what I am doing, I don’t. We just try to do the best we can with what we face.

There are limits to a parent’s ability to keep their teens from having sex. By high school graduation about 75% of teens have done “the deed” at least once (and the others wish they had—a joke with some truth to it). I’ve heard numbers like 95% by the 20th birthday. Most parents make accommodations of some type. For some it’s don’t ask don’t tell, others don’t let me catch you, don’t do it at our house, etcetera. Ultimately, hubby and I and the parents of their guys just accepted that it was going to resume and that soon became frequent overnights, which became every night. They went from being together 14/7 to 24/7. And therein is the reason that “going all the way” with marriages became just a recognition of what existed.

A few people asked hubby and me if we were NUTS when it became more widely known that the couples would be married a couple of months before high school graduation. And they may have been correct. Three plus years into these marriages, things look really good, but that can change. The final verdict will not be in for another 50 plus years. The final verdict on hubby and me will not be in for another few decades, but things look and feel good.

Lots of people can drink responsibly. Hubby and I were never in that group. A good example was the self-medicating I did with screwdrivers the night I came home from work early and made the discovery, I did the same over the next several evenings, and hubby and I did the same that Friday evening. Not good for us and not a good example for the kids or the grandkids. Therein is the reason that we gave it up.

That problem drinker issue in their families is why the SILs don’t drink—especially the youngest who has actually attended AA meetings with his older brother and dad. “Hi, my name is Butch, and alcoholism is in my DNA.” “Welcome Butch, you’re among friends who understand.”

The judge, who sentenced Butch’s older brother to AA, suspended the brothers driver’s license, and several other things, was present at those AA meetings and when he found out Butch had never had a drink, he said something along the lines of, “As a member of AA, I wish I could say the same thing. You’re miles ahead of most everybody else in this room. Stay that way.”

Doxie, always keep this thought in mind when you’re dealing with a teen (Actually it applies to most everybody):

No matter how hard the kid may seem, they are not solid steel ball-bearings. THEY ARE ALL AS FRAGIL AS EGGS. Twenty plus years ago, in the extended circle of family and friends, there was a teen girl that seemed like one tough cookie. She found herself pregnant by her high school sweetheart (perhaps one of those pregnant virgins I alluded to above) and she could not reconcile herself to an abortion or facing her minister dad with that fact. She started planning her suicide, not realizing that in a very real sense it was a form of abortion, along with murder of herself. One of her girlfriends tipped off the school nurse and counselor who brought her parents into the situation. You can never—NEVER EVER—have enough of those types of friends!!!!! Had she succeeded, she would have also killed three eggs that she and her idiot boyfriend would have other children with. Her boyfriend and her family would have been devastated and extremely diminished by her death. This pregnancy gave the minister a common touch with the congregation. To a certain point the minister and the church’s response to that situation affected our response to our two idiot couples.

(I use that term “idiot” as a term of endearment, not a put down. Kimmy was such an IDIOT between 16 and 21 that I’m still surprised my parents didn’t beat my head off with a shovel. It would have been justifiable homicide. And that is no joke!)

Eighteen months ago one of the third cousins to our daughters killed himself over a breakup with a girlfriend. He was a 17 year old high school senior and a bright kid with schools like MIT and Harvard—yes that Harvard--courting him. He left a lot of very devastated people, among whom I am one. I remember bouncing him on my knee and changing his diapers. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t think of him, his parents, grandparents, siblings, the girlfriend, classmates, and wonder why? And what could have been done to change this? What signs should I be looking for in my grandsons in fifteen years?

1.4 % of all deaths in this country are attributable to suicide. 1.4% is an enormously large number. Often times, it is a permanent solution to some temporary and unimportant problem.

My point is that as parents we want to be sure our love comes through to the kids. We want to always be there for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 10:21am

All of you have given me such wonderful advice and insight...THANK YOU! Yesterday, I called the National Hotline for Drug and Substance Abuse to get their take on what's been going on. I was told that, as parents, we can only do so much to control or improve the situation. The lady told me that I should make an appointment for my daughter to see a counselor, which is what I did. The counselor specializes in treating teens who've experimented with drugs. I take her to see her in a week and a half...that was the earliest appointment available. She, also, has an appt. to see a psychiatrist at the same facility just in case the counselor deems it necessary. So, my husband and I have decided to take a proactive approach to dealing with this. Our daughter knows we love her to pieces and we'd never turn our backs on her...we're here for her through all the ups and downs.  She is a wonderful person and the only issues we've had are since her bf entered the picture.  She has been such a joy until that time.  I chose not to respond to her ex-boyfriends text...I don't want to stir up more trouble. I have been closely monitoring his tweets...and they are atrocious! Talks very openly about his pot usage.  Sickens me to the core.  He is such a negative influence on her...thank goodness he's graduating in a couple of weeks. However, I'm not so naive that I think that will solve all our problems. I know better.  Oh, and I don't want him to come over here any more because I don't trust him as far as I could throw him! My husband and I have talked very openly to them both and have asked pointed questions like the above commentor sugggested.  It didn't work.  I don't want him over here because neither my husband nor I want them to think that this is just water under the bridge and all will be forgottten.  Sorry, we have to stand our ground for the time being and if the counselor suggests we do, otherwise, then we'll tackle that when it gets here. I'll keep y'all posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 8:14pm

Our daughter knows we love her to pieces and we'd never turn our backs on her...we're here for her through all the ups and downs. . . . She is a wonderful person . . .

Dear Doxie,

Love those words of yours above. Naturally that’s how all of us feel about our kids and you stated it very well. Wish I could claim them as my words. I may plagiarize them as they say plagiarism is the greatest form of flattery.

Also, I’m very happy to see that you and hubby have a good plan of action for taking a “proactive approach to dealing with this.” That is what good parents do.

(When I married hubby, my mother gave me two pieces of advice. One of those was: “Never let the kids see any daylight between you and hubby.” My mother would be so proud of you and your hubby.)

This is a kind of a “back handed slap” complement about the ex BF and what a GOOD THING he did for you, hubby, and your daughter: Even though he never meant to, he brought “this” to your attention at an early enough stage that you and hubby will have two years to work on “this” before she graduates. (I’m assuming your DD is a sophomore.) Substance abuse is like cancer in that the earlier you can attack it, the better the odds are of curing it. Many parents are not as fortunate as you and hubby. Many only learn of “this” when the kid comes home from college with a “major addiction problem.” Seriously, without intending to, this guy did a great service to you and hubby.

Should you ever have to or want to say anything to the BF, if it was me, I would say something like: “BF you are a young man with great potential. However, sadly, you’re on a path that only leads to personal destruction, unhappiness, and great sorrow, for yourself, and anyone near you, and this type of sorrow is not something hubby and I care for our daughter and grandchildren to experience in a ride along with you or any other person on that path. You need to seek counseling on how to walk back up this path and finding a different path that leads to achieving your potential, finding happiness, and avoiding the sorrow that you are headed towards. And we truly hope and pray that you do.”

Rather than knock him to my DD, I would basically say the same thing. Maybe add for her ears: “His values are at odds with your future happiness and the happiness of your children, which incidentally your dad and I already love because they are our grandchildren.”

Plagiarizing the thoughts of Mark Twain: You and hubby are going to be amazed by how much wisdom you and hubby will have achieved, in this daughter eyes, over the next five years. She is going to look back and think, I really got lucky when the good Lord was assigning me parents. LOL (I know this from personal experience. When I was 21, I started realizing who the "IDIOT" was and it was me.)

Do come back from time to time and update us. I look forward to the good reports that I see coming. Also, there are folks who lurk, but never come in, who learn from the posts.

Love,

Kimmy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 8:28pm

Sounds like a good plan.  It sounds like this kid is really into smoking pot which isn't something that I think would lead to anywhere good even if he never switches to other drugs.  Has your DD thought about the criminal aspects?  I live in MA where a couple of years ago, possession of a small amt. of pot was de-criminalized so it's still not "legal" I would say but it's like a motor vehicle ticket--you can get a fine but not a criminal record--I'm sure it's not like that in all states.  When my DD was applying for college & financial aid, I learned that a student can become ineligible for federal fin. aid if they are convicted of any offense involving possession of drugs--I assume that includes pot.  I guess you could rob a bank & still get a loan, but not possession of drugs, whcih I think is a little overboard.  Anyway that might be something that you could mention to your DD also--she could ruin her future in a lot of ways.  Hopefully the counselor will be able to talk some sense into her too--thing always sound better coming from a 3rd party than the parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2004
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 1:46pm

to Doxie64:

well I've been down this road and it's not pretty so hugs.  I would offer up some advice.  Definitely get her into drug counseling and consider highly family counseling between you DH and her.  As of right now, nothing she says should be taken seriously.  It's a very exciting time for her believe it or not.  She might just be loving all this family drama she's cooked up and then on top of it, getting sex and pot, well it's all very exciting to her.

The good news is you hold a lot of cards that she does not.  For starters I'd back off on all the control stuff.  I mean it.  What I would ramp up is taking away anything and everything she loves.  Cell phones, nice clothes you bought her, anything electronic, make her go to the library to do her homework on their computers if you have to. And I'm serious about this.  See, teens are funny.  They can handle a lot of worried looks from parents, they can handle crying, they can handle poor grades etc.  What they can't handle is a life of misery.  So figure out some consequences for her and impose them immediately.  Let the drug counselor counsel her on what drugs can do to a young person's motivation and family life.  As for whether you want to put her on the pill, well that's your choice, but if she's hell bent on having sex, and I wouldn't trust a thing she says, it might be wise to find out in counseling if she is and what can be done about that.

Biggest advice for you and husband is to sit down with her for one final talk. Before you do this, make sure you've cut her off completely from all the electronics and special things she loves, clothes, whatever.

Tell her that you'll only have this conversation once and that from here on out, she gets to only make her situation better by actually changing the situation herself.  That you and DH have no control over her choices, but that you do have control over every priveledge she's been given and now they're gone.  Be completely calm even if you have to practically bite off the inside of your cheek.  Tell her that from here on out these are your house rules.  And then you and hubby have to decide what they are: for example, no smoking pot in house or coming home high, no drinking, no more bringing drama like boyfriends or friends who engage in risky behavior to your house or pretending they're who they are not,never hiding another thing in your house, this is absolutely not okay.  She will get a job, period.  And she will stay busy as much as is possible till she either leaves for college or leaves your home at 18. 

But- you and hubby let her know that there is no way you have the time nor the patience to follow her around.  Her life is just that, hers.  She has to abide by your rules and at 18 if she can't live with them, she can  move out and you'll help her.  If she ever gets any privledges back (I mean it, drive her to work, school, whatever) it will be so far down the road and will depend on her behavior and grades.  Have her drug tested by the counselor once a month for awhile and if she fails, well guess what it's back to square one.  And FINALLY let her know that you hold her entirely responsible for any and all bad behavior, that you don't expect her to be perfect, but you will not tolerate a liar, nor will you tolerate this ridiculous behavior any longer and then get up and walk away, let her just sit and think a little on playing hardball with you.

When I say take stuff away, I'm not kidding, go in her room and remove any and all things that even hint at lux.  Let her see that all you're really responsible for is feeding her and a bed to sleep on.  And let her know that she's thrown herself in this situation, you did not do this, she did and it's her life to turn around.

And finally let her know that you love her. And for that reason, you'll be available to go to counseling with her, but only if she thinks she'll benefit from it.  If she says no, then fine, but make her go to the drug counselor and feel free to meet as a group a few times too.

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