scared and worried

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2011
scared and worried
4
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 4:48am

Hi, this is my first ever time here…I just don't know what to do anymore. It's a long one, sorry! I have 3 teens, and my middle daughter (16) has in the last year changed from a sweet, home loving girl to someone I don't recognise. She's always been feisty, but that was Ok I could handle that. In the last few months she has started partying, drinking too much, smoking dope, lying to me, lazy at school, the works. She has a boyfriend of 3 weeks that she had been chasing for 6 months and was so depressed because he didn't want to know. Now she has him she is getting off with other guys behind his back, yet claims she loves him. Matters came to a head last weekend when she went to a party, got off her face and ended up with a friend of her older brother, my 18 year old son. When my son caught them together (he was drunk) there was a fight, and the result is my son has broken his knuckles. He's a guitarist and is now unable to play for months, perhaps longer and has cancelled gigs for the whole summer.

I am angry he got into a fight, yet I feel he did the right thing to defend his drunk sister and I am devastated about his injury. My son went to A&E yesterday and they tell him it could mean he will have trouble ever playing again.When I confronted my daughter (I had been lied to earlier about how he hurt his hand) she crumbled, told me how much she hated herself and wanted to die. Her sadd-o of a boyfriend was upstairs and I told her to tell him. She did and he says he still loves her and wants to be with her, despite this is the second time he knows about her cheating on him.

I just want the bf to go home (he's not getting picked up till tomorrow) and to sit down with my depressed and trouble children and try and sort this all out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 9:16am

It's good that your dd was finally able to open up and let you know how unhappy she is. Your first priority should be to get her to a doctor to be checked for STD's and for a referral to a counselor. I know all family dynamics are different but the fact that you've allowed her boyfriend of 3 weeks to spend days on end at your house perhaps is sending her a message that falling into bed with random guys is OK. I'd take him home pronto - your dd needs to get herself figured out before she can have a mature relationship with a boy. And while it was certainly noble of her brother to try to protect her virtue I wouldn't make him out to be such a knight in shining armor. If you're in the US he was guilty of underage drinking and possibly assault. There are other ways to diffuse a situation than to hit someone so hard as to break your knuckles. But for now I think you need to get your dd the help she needs and reign her in a bit as far as the partying - she's still a minor and you still have a bit of control over her. Good luck and keep us posted.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2011
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 9:58am

thank you for your response! I realise how badly I must have explained the situation as you have obviously made several assumptions that I would like to correct. First off though, I managed to get her boyfriend picked up by his Dad as I have no car and we live very rurally (he does not spend days on end at our house btw, he was here because before this kicked off a group of them were all going off on a camping trip which I then pulled the plug on, and he was somewhat stranded) and have had a long talk with her. As for the STDs, she is not having sex with these guys, just a lot of groping going on. Also, I have at no point made my son out to be a knight in shining armour, and I am not sure if his knuckles were broken by hitting someone at this stage and no one is accusing him of assault……I certainly will not ever jump to conclusions about anything till I've heard all the facts, which is always the best way but I will not see him for a couple of days yet to have the chance for a really good talk to him. We are not in the US so he is not drinking underage either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 10:08am

I apologize for jumping to conclusions. That's the problem with message boards - it's sometimes hard to get all the information across properly. Since I live in the US where the drinking age is 21 I always automatically think 16-18 year olds are drinking illegally. I can't remember the exact term you used but again - I mistakenly assumed that your dd was having sex with these boys, hence the suggestion to get tested for STD's. Regardless of whether she's having sex or just 'groping' - it does sound like she may have some self-esteem issues that make her think she needs to be physically intimate to have boys like her. And the feelings of wishing she were dead are obviously not to be taken lightly. I do hope she is able to get the help she needs. There's nothing worse than seeing your child hurting. Again sorry for the assumptions.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2011
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 10:13am
no need to apologise, I didn't explain all the facts and like you say a mb makes it difficult to do so!
You have hit the nail squarely on the head with the self-esteem issue and this is what I am trying to find a way forward with, it breaks my heart when I know deep down how she really is and what she is capable of being. This is my main concern. I am grateful that you have taken an interest and I will post any progress we make