Still Lying for Attention...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2009
Still Lying for Attention...
7
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 3:56am

This is gonna be a long one... It's my daughter's friend who's doing it.

She has been since I've known her in the 1st grade. My daughter has been with her 5 best friends since the 1st grade and this girl is one of them. They are all now between the ages of 14 and 15. It is and was well known that this girl has had a problem with telling stories, playing the victim for attention. In the last 2 years, I thought she'd changed, gotten better and my daughter has become closer to her. Last week she spent a few days here while her mother and stepdad were away and she told me a horrible story that was hard to believe but at the same time who's to say ...if it's real or not. She told me not to tell her mom, obviously, because her mom has enough problems. She also told me her mom left her no money, so she borrowed from me and said she'd bring the money to school (last) Monday. Yesterday her mom called me ... (her mom is one of the sweetest people I know...a people pleaser, caretaker)... she was asking me for parenting advice because the girls watched the Exorcist over the weekend. They watch scarey movies every weekend and since then this girl hasn't been able to sleep and needed her mom and stepdad to lie down with her until she fell asleep. I gave her advice on what to do, she took it and everything worked out great...slept through the night.

I spoke to her mom again today and as much as I hated to, I asked if her daughter had mentioned that she borrowed money from me to go out over the weekend. She told me she had plenty of money and doesn't know why she enjoys playing the victim and that 5 years of therapy have done nothing for her...she is still lying and playing the victim for people to feel sorry for her.

OK...so now, of course as soon as this girl left last week, I sat my daughter down. My daughter is a very logical kid. I told her to have an open mind and I was very careful to tell her how I felt and wanted her to be careful and take things she says with a grain of salt. My daughter's reaction was that she knew I was going to talk to her about it and that she is aware of what's going on and she is taking things with a grain of salt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 8:29am

I think you're doing a great job of telling your dd your concerns and keeping an eye on things but not trying to 'forbid' the friendship. At this point it doesn't sound like the friend is doing anything illegal; hopefully soon the friends will start getting fed up with her constant lies and call her on it, which might be what it takes for her to come around. Or she may always be that way - I know adults that like to lie and make themselves the victim. Glad you found the board!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2009
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 8:49am
Hi Pam, thanks for your reply...the friends went through the fed up stage some years ago and thought she had gotten better and changed...and now I have caught on that it has continued just on another level. Sad really.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 9:06am

You are definitely doing all you can do to help your own DD see that this girl is not an honest person, and it sounds as if your DD is listening to you. If the other girl's mom asks for more advice from you, try suggesting she switch therapists. This is more than a mental health problem; it's a moral problem.

As far as your own child goes, just keep listening to her and affirming her when she refuses to believe this other girl's lies. And definitely discourage her from lending more money. If the other girl asks, your DD can just say, "I'm sorry but my parents don't allow me to lend money." I'd also encourage her to hang out with her other friends as much as possible. Chances are, they don't like this other girl very much, so she won't be invited to their gatherings.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 2:32pm

You've taken the same approach we did when our oldest had friends who were problematic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 6:49pm
I applaud you for your logical and non confrontational approach, you are right, if you tell her no hanging out with that girl it will push her in that direction. Good job handling a really uncomfortable situation!

M
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 12:08am

I think this type situation can be a learning experience for your DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2009
Sun, 10-09-2011 - 2:10am
Thank you everyone. The situation is still pretty raw, but this too shall pass. Unfortunately, I now have a distaste for this girl. Gosh, how a kid can throw me for a loop and make me feel like I'm at a loss is outrageous. I'm not a professional and just have to leave this one alone. I am talking til I'm blue in the face to my daughter about it when it comes up.

My daughter told me it was obvious to her that I didn't believe the story the girl told. I can't help that. I am still thrown that for the first time this girl stayed over my house, I realized that she hadn't changed, she just got older and better at it and wanted to put a force field around my daughter. My daughter assures me, she is aware of it and fine, but still hard to hear the truth from me.

I can't get passed the distaste for this girl now and that bothers me! Ugh! The teen years ... wow!