Teen daughter and a 40 year old online

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2011
Teen daughter and a 40 year old online
58
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 9:06pm

Please help!

My daughter just told me that she has been communicating online with a 40 year old married man. Last year, he sent her a vibrator and a webcam in the mail for her 16th birthday. She thinks there is nothing wrong with this "relationship" and they tell each other "I love you". he wants to come and visit her. I am completely freaked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 10:56am

This must be really overwhelming to you--I know I'd be out of my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2011
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 10:58am

He is from the UK, so there is not a real immediate danger from what I can tell. The cyber crimes unit is, of course, going to be in touch with officials there in order to check his record and things of that nature; I will at least be informed that he is who he says he is and who I am dealing with. The cyber crimes until said that at the very least, they can knock on his door over there and tell him to knock it off. That holds no weight, though, he could laugh and close the door and that's the end of that. The only way I can "not leave my daughter unsupervised for one minute" lol, is to quit life or send her to a private residential lock down school or wilderness program. That''s not going to happen- it would if I had the money but I don't.

Until I meet with them today, I"m not going to make further decisions. I hope they got to all the internet accounts I gave them yesterday because she has changed her passwords and most likely erased alot of information. She has her laptop password protected and obviously, there are some steps I can take to make this tough for her to continue but I can also cause alot of rebellion that will ruin her life. I have to step carefully.

I wish people would read the thread before they say dumb stuff like "call the cops". Do some people still think that "cops" fix all problems? Most messes we get ourselves into in life are things the "cops" won't help with. And it's such a general term that it's kinda ignorant, lol. How about, "Contact the cyber task force nationally and statewide today". Oh, ok, well, already did that.

I'm so stressed and really want to rip that guys head off. He is a low class predator, that's why he talks like that. He uses all kinds of ways of expressing himself that bonds her to him. He lives in Manchester England, from his fb account and graduated from high school in 1985. That makes him at least 43...maybe older if he failed a grade or two.

I'm just blowing off steam so everyone just consider my emotional state at the moment before going off on me. :-(

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 08-03-2011 - 1:01pm
I wouldn't necessarily trust what fb says.

Good luck - what a messy and frightening situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 9:30am

If the guy was contacting your DD when she was 12, he has still committed a crime, even if she's above the age of consent in your state. And even if nothing comes of the investigation, your DD still needs counseling. Getting rid of the laptop is a start to protecting her, but she needs much more, especially if she thinks she's in love with this lowlife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2011
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 12:13pm
First off, only with proof is anyone arrested for committing a crime.
If he was just contacting her, there is no crime. For example, if they were just talking about gaming.
If there was anything sexually explicit, there still have to be proof. Chat logs, computer files, pictures, etc. It must be proven! There must be enough proof in order to launch an investigation. It's complicated because the age of sexual consent in my state is lower than 18.
HOWEVER, I have good news. He sent her sexual devices hidden in stuffed animals and that is using the mail for sexual exploitation of a child! To prove this, the idiot just sent me an email admitting this. :-) I also have the stuffed animals that were cut open so she could remove the contents. That is a felony and he admitted it in an email so they are moving forward with the investigation. I just hope that they can find some awful information out about him, such as a record, or maybe his computer has proof that he has been contacting other young girls other than my daughter. That would break the spell he has on her.
The cyber crimes people say they have NEVER investigated a case where the child was the ONLY one the predator has improper contact with. She said, "That doesn't mean your case couldn't be the first but the odds are against that."
So hopefully, my daughter will come through this ok in the end. I just ordered a personal tracking device I"m going to put in her purse.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 12:34pm

I've been posting online for 14 years and this is the first time I've been called "ignorant," but given your situation I understand how distraught you must be, so no offense taken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 1:08pm

Hang in there mom, I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you. I hope you're able to break his hold over her, but even if something should happen that completely severs contact between them, I'm still concerned about your daughter.

Women tend to choose the same kind of men over and over, and this one sounds like a violent, controlling and potentially abusive man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 2:30pm

I thought your post said you had thousands of messages. In my state (MA), this would constitute proof. One of my friends went thru something similar with her daughter, only in this case the guy was just a few states away and actually drove here to meet her. The cops caught them together and because the girl was underage, the guy was arrested. As part of the evidence, though, they had the emails and FB posts. The posts weren't all that explicit, but even mentioning body parts counted.

So if you need it, (and I hope you don't!), you may have more text proof than you think, just in case the nasty crap he sent isn't enough. This guy sounds totally vile and I hope he is way too poor to travel to your state!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 4:49pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2011
Thu, 08-04-2011 - 5:33pm

Sorry, yeah, major stress here!