Many gentle hugs to you. Sounds like you're at the end of your rope with your dd. You mention that you've struggled with her for years. Have you and/or she had counselling? Her to deal with whatever issues that make her so difficult and you to learn better ways to deal with her? Sorry I don't really have any BTDT advice - I know the teen years can be very trying. Hopefully someone else can give you some suggestions.
Thanks for your message. Yes she is in counseling. She is seeing a 2nd one, a woman this time. I had her see a man therapist the summer before last but didn't see any improvement. He said she has borderline personality disorder but no tools for me on how to handle it. Her therapist now seems good but extremely busy and hard to fit in her schedule. sigh.
I called the school and she actually showed up today. I guess that's a good sign she still cares about being there. I came to work and just trying to pretend everything is fine with me.
I know I have to stay calm yet also firm. I'm actually ready to tell her this is it -- if she wants to continue to live with me she has to follow the rules of my house (which are reasonable, like telling the truth and not drinking or drugging or staying out past curfew) or she can go live somewhere else and that I won't stop her. Sadly, I feel her leaving would be best for all of us. Her destructive behavior has an impact on my little girl. Even sadder, her dad won't have her live with him.
I'm not entirely sure you can just tell a 16 yr old to go "live somewhere else" and not still be responsible for her--unless it's her dad's or a relative's house.
Unless you live somewhere other than the US, like it or not, your daughter is your responsibility until she turns 18.
Thanks but honestly, I'm not convinced she has a disorder like that one counselor said (and he wasn't effective) and I would definitely say she isn't completely mentally ill. She is defiant yes, She manipulates, yes. She has trouble with lying.
I also want to add that I'm NOT going to actually tell her to go live somewhere else but I will tell her that I'm NOT going to change my rules so that she comes back and stays. My expectations of her to be honest, respectful, accountable, and responsible are still there and won't change.
Just because the therapist hasn't said she has a disorder doesn't mean that one doesn't exist... in many states, only people with certain degrees can diagnose, be it an MD, DO, PhD, NP, PA... but generally someone with a MSW in clinical social work (which is what a lot of counselors have) cannot diagnose anything, including personality disorders.