Teen pregnant and a cutter

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2013
Teen pregnant and a cutter
9
Sat, 09-07-2013 - 11:17pm

My step daughter is a cutter. She moved in with us after being with her birth mom. She has been cutting since about the age of 14...that she would admit to. It was originally over being raped by her halfbrother. She was in a crisis center 4 times before she came to us. We did what everyone said: lots of counseling, her pediatrician was involved and so was her school counselor. We thought she was happy but she was not. Her issues were more deep rooted than we imagined. Since she was a good student we tried keeping her focused on the future. She exceled in school and she earned a scholarship to the college of her chosing in our state.

She rediscovered boys and that's where it all fell apart. From what I see, all the guys looked a lot like her half-brother in thier build. It was an eerie site. We tried to get her to stay focused on school. It didn't work. Once she turned 18, she moved out of our house and into her boyfriend's parents' home and they moved to another state. Since that time, she got pregnant and decided to go back to her birth mom's home, without the father of her child. He's now going to college and she gave up on school

We are not sure what is happening now. She will not talk to us. We are about 1000 miles from where she now lives. How can we help her now? My friends and family think I she just let it go and 'give this to God'. I cannot help feeling that somehow there is something we missed and some way she needs help. Am I crazy????

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 10:07am

Since she will not talk to you, and lives 1000 miles away, I have no idea what you think you might do.  This kid needs in depth, on going psychiatric care.  She is probably suffering from PTSD, as well as other things, but at this point, there is nothing you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 12:00am

Dear Jeanne

This is defiantly a tough one.

I think Sabrtooth is correct about the girl needing lots of counseling.

Without sounding like a religious nut, which I most certainly am, I think your friends and family are correct about “turning it over to GOD.” HE specializes in the tough ones. Sometimes, GOD has to soften them up and grind them down with the burdens of life before he can do work in their life. Remember the story of the prodigal son? You recall, the boy took his inheritance, squander it in a foreign land, ended up hungry and eating with the hogs as he was sloping the hogs and came back home to request that he become a servant in his father’s house. Life had to grind the boy down before GOD could move in his life. And until that grinding was finished, the boy’s father could not change things. All the father could do is wait and be ready when the son returned. This is excruciatingly painful for any parent to watch.

Continue to call and ask her bio mom how things are going, send money and gifts to the daughter and the new grandbaby, offer a place in your home for them. If you don’t want to send money, send a crib, car seat, high chair, play pen, dippers, etcetera.

And NO, you are not crazy. Because you love her and want the best for her, you are trying to figure out something to do to help her. Sometimes you have to wait until they are willing to accept help. I submit that if the father of the prodigal son had known how GOD was going to deal with his son he might have prayed something like, “LORD, DO IT QUICKLY!!” However GOD has his own time schedule and always knows better than us.

As two old grannies, Sabrtooth and I can tell you that the best gig in town is being a granny. I think that would include being a step-granny too.

Love,

Kimmy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2013
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 12:09pm

I am saying my prayers. The relationship between bio mom and bio dad has been a volital one. Once I starting communcationing with her she was very matter-of-fact about the molestation between the half-siblings, as well as lack of medical care for all her children. It made me cry and I have been phyically ill over all of this. Bio mom refused to allow bio dad to see her while she was growing up. He was a truck driver and biomom felt that since he was always on the road was not being a good role model for her daughter since he couldn't give regular visitation. So she refused to let him see her after the age of 9. He paid his child support and told her daughter that he didn't care about her. His daughter  fould us on facebook at age 15.

When she came to live with us, at age 16 I needed to teach her how to shower, brush her teeth, and wear proper sized shoes. Her feet are deformed. She is also biopolar and has multiple personality disorder which was left untreated. She has not been to a denist or an eye doctor since the age of 12. I felt like I was taming a wild animal. She didn't commucate with bio dad much but I have noticed that she will only talk to women.

We tried to give her a stable home. She earned scholarships to college and refused to go. The only time she was happy was when we were buying her things. When we could no longer buy her what she wanted she created a dramatic exit and moved with her boyfriend's parents. They required her to get a job since she was 18. She made a lot of excuses of why she wouldn't apply. Then she announced her pregnancy, the last people they told was the boy's parents. They gave her a choice of where she wanted to go: back with us or to her biomom. She chose biomom. As for the boyfriend, his parents are making sure he goes to college, gets a decent job and at least pays his child support.

Since I found a stack of pregnancy tests in her bathroom at our place after she left, I suspect she was hoping to get pregnant.

There's a lot of deeprooted family issues with this. Maybe it's because I was raised differently, but this whole situation is crazy. I would have thought if she was exposed to a stable life she would want that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 1:26am

Some things, and I believe this is one, have to be left in the hands of GOD. 

As I stated earlier, keep reaching out and keep praying.

 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 11:42am

All you can do is keep the lines of communication open. Hopefully, when the baby arrives she will want stability and a better life for baby's sake.

Be very clear in yourself as to how much and what kind of help you are willing to offer. Your dsd needs a lot of help now and will need even more when she has a baby. It doesn't sound like she saw a good example of parenting while growing up so she may not know how to parent her child either. Her various conditions and issues complicate things greatly, as you know. Are you willing to take her into your home again? Provide financial support to some degree?

My dd was also on a downward spiral at that age and because she was no longer a minor there was not much that we could do about it. She also moved 1000 miles away into a questionable lifestyle. After about 9 months of that we flew her home for a family event, which gave us an opportunity to talk about her situation and reminded her what a stable home looked like. We offered to allow her to return to live at our home on the condition that she undergo a psychiatric evaluation and agree to treatment if she was found to have any disorder. (I had suspected something for some time) She took us up on the offer and moved home, but it wasn't all happy days from there on out. However she did improve with  meds and therapy (at great expense for us) and eventually moved out again--but that time with a job and some stability. It took many months of her living a step away from the gutter for her to be ready to accept our help---and my dd's case was much less complicated than that of your dsd. My points being that your dsd has to decide on her own that she has a problem and want to change; the resources have to be available and she has to be willing or somehow compelled to stick with the program; and its a difficult often painful road for everybody involved.

Best of luck in finding a way to help your stepdaughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 1:19pm

If she has serious mental illnesses that haven't been treated, things aren't going to turn around for her just because she was explosed to a "normal" family life--she will probably need therapy and medication for the rest of her life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2013
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 12:12am

That was all in process and she said she wanted it. But later refused to take her meds. She is still being a drama queen and now that she is back with Biomom, she is staying untreated.

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Tue, 09-24-2013 - 5:37am

Wow, that's tough... And to be so far away! If you are a faithful person there's a lot I'd hand over to God about this too. Do you stay in touch? I am familiar with teen "cutting" b/c there was a period of time when DD's school addressed it, she had close friends that admitted to it too..

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2013
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 11:17pm

She changed her phone number, and blocked on Facebook for about 2 months that she blocked us on Facebook. She actually sent us a messege on Facebook today announcing that she unblocked us. We did start talking to her online. It was strange she told me that everything I did for her was no meaning to her then started listing off things she needs since she supposedly broke. She has a job, lives with her birth mom and doesn't have to pay for food or rent since she works for her mom. I know for a fact she bought a new expensive cellphone for herself so I know she's lying about not having money.

While she was doing that with me, she was telling her father that he never did anything for her and that she wants an apology for a few things. We were sitting in the same room and she was chatting with each of us in separate chat windows...her doing not ours.

While she was telling her Dad he was 'dead to her' she friended me. I'm not sure what to make of this but I know eventhough her dad is frustrated and he claims not to care, it's affecting our marriage since he's becoming more withdrawn.

Things she's demanding an apology for:

suing her Mom for Child support while she lived with us. Her mom was still recieving checks while we had custody.  She turned 18 before it hit the court, she lived with us for 2 years.

Telling her boyfriend's parents that she was pregnant after she posted it all over the internet telling eveyone on public sites not to tell his parents. What I found disrespectful was that she lived with his parents at that time.