Trying to Separate 17-Year-Old DS from Bad Crowd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Trying to Separate 17-Year-Old DS from Bad Crowd
5
Tue, 06-28-2011 - 1:25pm

I've been a lurker on this board for a couple years now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2011

Wow...I Feel your Pain!!! I am going through something very similar with my 18 year old son right now....although his GF IS the problem! My son just graduated HS and was all set to go to college in the fall, but because his GF is still in HS, he has now decided not to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it hurts like the devil when the kids don't appreciate the things we've worked so hard to give them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 10:09am

As I stated when he has been separated from this person, he is so much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000

I'm sorry you're going through this - it's so hard to see our kids with so much potential make stupid choices. I don't think Rose meant any offense by her post - she's raised 4 kids through their teen years, not without her share of heartaches. You know your family and your ds best. If you feel that keeping him away from these other kids is what needs to be done then give it a try. In my experience, though, it's awful hard to keep older teens that closely monitored.

My now 24 year old ds went through quite a phase his senior year of high school (also age 17). He, too, was raised in a Christian family and had always hung out with his bando or 'nerdy' friends, etc. Then he started hanging out with 'those other kids'. Started partying (drinking and pot). Poor guy spent a good deal of his senior year grounded but he still found ways around it. He snuck out of the house 3 times. When we made him ride the bus to school instead of drive he just hung with the 'dope heads' that also rode the bus. I busted him at a party one night and ordered him to come home. I made the mistake of letting him drive the car he'd taken there and I followed behind. He ended up ditching me, wouldn't answer his phone, we drove around all night looking for him. He didn't come home til the next day. It was up to that point the scariest night of my life. We had all the talks about surrounding himself with kids that were going somewhere as opposed to kids that were just getting by. He flat out told us he had more fun with the 2nd group - that the first group was 'boring'. Now we were fortunate in that this phase didn't last as long as your ds's has. Despite all this Jason was still involved with band and martial arts and kept his grades up. By the end of the year he apologized to us for all he'd put us through. He's graduated that spring, went on to college, and is headed to med school in a few weeks.

I also have a 21 year old ds that is still struggling to find himself, still tends to gravitate toward 'those kids', etc. Many of the kids he graduated high school with are getting ready for their senior year of college, have summer internships, etc. Our assumption/dream was that college was just going to be a 4 year extension after high school. Justin has some college credit - has tried it twice, once at a 4 year college, flunked out there after a year (but that's really when he started gravitating towar'ds 'those kids' - he was pretty straight-arrow in high school). He then tried CC but says it's just not for him now. He starts a full time job at a call center next week. It certainly wasn't the dream I had for him but sometimes our dreams aren't their dreams.

Have you considered talking to a Christian counselor about the situation and how best to deal with it/come to terms with it/etc? It would be great if your ds would go with you - perhaps you two could find better ways to communicate. I'm a firm believer in prayer but I also know that God doesn't always answer our prayers in our way or in our time. I'm not sure that your 17 year old son is going to 'soften his heart to your authority' any time soon - this is the stage of life where young people should naturally be pulling away from it/questioning it/etc. Our 24 year old asked our advice the other night on a pretty big issue. Later that night dh and I were discussing it and realized it was the first time he had actually asked our advice since he was probably 7 or so! I think it is true what they say that children think their parents are perfeect and know everything, teens think they are idiots and know NOTHING, and by their mid-20's they realize their parents aren't perfect but come back and seek their guidance and wisdom.

Prayers to you and your ds as he becomes the man that God created him to be. It's often a long, bumpy road, isn't it? Hang in there and keep us posted.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

I'm sorry that you found my post offensive, it wasn't intended that way.