unhealthy relationship .. con't..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
unhealthy relationship .. con't..
12
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 5:44pm

ok.. so i am here - back needing some outside opinions.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 6:02pm

Ugh I thought that maybe with him going off to school it would have all kind of gone away! I know about the constant texting - Justin and his gf do the same thing and I know she is texting a lot from school. He's 21, though, not 17, so I don't say much. I think as far as the phone goes - if you're paying the bill you have every right to have her turn it in to you at, say, 10 pm and give it back to her as she leaves the house in the morning. That might at least eliminate some of the very early morning texts and 10-11 texts. As far as letting her see him - that's a tough call, especially if you feel that he is really being emotionally abusive/controlling/etc. Perhaps let him come over Sunday afternoon for a couple hours as long as you and/or your dh will be around? The good thing is that she's still keeping her grades up and is still involved in soccer. Do you know if he's gotten involved in anything at the college? It is still rather early in the school year - hopefully he won't be home again until Thanksgiving and there's still hope that they'll drift apart. The technology today is good in many ways but I think the constant/instant contact can be a bad thing for these teens. 25+ years ago your dd would probably be lucky to hear from him once a week for an short long distance phone call and it would have given both of them much more opportunity to get engaged with the people around them. Hopefully you'll get some other opinions here. Please let us know how it goes!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 8:07pm

thanks for your reply

you are correct.. if iwas not for the technology.. it really would be out of sight out of mind.. but that is part of the problem.. it is still constant even if you are NOT there..

the interesting thing is that I never see a phone call to either of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 9:29pm

Ugh, so sorry you are still dealing with this guy! The only thing I can think of is to cut off her texting plan completely. (Even if she's paying for it, she's

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 10:21am

You have gotten good advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 2:19pm

i read your post looking for new ideas...remembering how harsh you come across at times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 3:23pm

I do think I would focus on her texting during school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Fri, 10-07-2011 - 3:58pm

You're absolutely right about the soccer. Having a passion is itself therapeutic, especially with a kid who needs to keep her mind off her boyfriend or some other draining thing. In fact, my DD"s psych--yes, we're all crazy in this house due, I'm sure,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 12:03am

We did not face these cell phone and texting issues because our DDs and their guys wanted to spend the money that would have been spent on phones for other things.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Sun, 10-09-2011 - 8:33pm

I needed to take some time to think about this and reflect on past posts to see where this has come from and where it is going, before I responded.

If we look at the externals, i.e. "is she keeping up with everything?", then it seems like she is - good grades and continuing to play soccer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2003
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 8:55am

thank you all for your posts and advice...

Yes. the reason i am walking a fine line - is that in all other aspects.. she is a good hardworking student who really does the right things.. and i do not want to punish her in any way unjustly and i do not want to be unfair or unreasonable.

we let her see him for a couple of hours in our livingroom and althought we were mostly doing outside yard work, walked in and out and my husband..(who is passive -agressive) even sat in the living room watching tv for the last half hour WITH them..

After discussing this with my husband.. i feel that if we take away her texting.. it will seem totally unreasonable.. as she "has done nothing wrong",,BUT.. here's my view on it.

I am going to treat this as if it was a "PHONE" situation and I am going to tell her that i do not see the NEED for her and her "boyfriend" to have any contact: Monday to Friday as those are school hours.. and she can speak to him on the weekends ONLY - if she wishes..

Pages