unhealthy relationship -HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
unhealthy relationship -HELP
21
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 1:08pm

my dd 17

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 1:58pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough to see our children in relationships we know are unhealthy. It does sound like he's very controlling and possibly emotionally abusive. First - from a practical/physical stand point - is she on birth control and does she know that they should be using condoms EVERY time? Because no matter how you try to keep them apart - where there's a will there's a way and once kids become SA they rarely just stop. Has she been back more to her normal self these last few months? Getting back together with her girlfriends? Does she work or volunteer or have other extra-curriculars to keep her busy? As far as the phone - if you're paying for it I see nothing wrong with checking it if you feel that she's a threat to herself. And by all means if you're not seeing improvement with the current therapist I'd consider switching. Once your dd turns 18 you will be limited in what you can do in some of these situations. Sometimes in these situations the more you badmouth the SO the more it pushes your teen toward them. Perhaps you could compromise and let him come over once a week or so for a couple hours to watch a movie or something. Is he going far away to school? Hopefully he'll get involved in campus life and the relationship will die a natural death. Hope you get some other suggestions here!

Pam
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 2:20pm

You have to understand that ALL teens "hate" their parents at one time or another, think their parents have too many rules, think their parents are ruining their lives, yada, yada, yada.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 2:46pm

thank you so much.. she really is a smart girl but yes - he is very controlling and manipulating AND i was told that kids who use the suicide card in relationships are doing "emotional blackmail".

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 3:01pm

YOU are correct... I feel so guilty about all the rules.. even thought i know in my heart - I am right.

My husband is more lax than me which does look - like i am MEAN.

Thank goodness for other people's opinions - as you are again.. most correct.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 3:12pm

This BF sounds like a classic abuser. Even if he is not abusing her physically, he still fits the pattern. Abusers do everything they can to separate their victim from her support network. The comments about what bad parents you are, the rules about when she is "allowed" to see her friends fit this pattern perfectly. Abusers also get extremely jealous, often irrationally so, hence the "rule" about texting other boys and not wearing short skirts. And when they fear losing the victim, they will do anything in their power to manipulate her back into the relationship; hence the suicide talk.

Everything he does is aimed at making himself the solution to all your daughter's wants, needs, and desires. He does this by creating self-doubt in your DD and eroding her self-esteem in subtle ways. It is a bad situation, and you are right to be concerned.

If you don't think the therapist recognizes the danger, you should find someone else. However, therapists don't always agree with the parents. Their job is to get their patients to mental health, and sometimes this means allowing or even encouraging the teen to assert themselves against their parents. It is part of their development. In the case of an abusive relationship, the goal of therapy should be to get your DD to see for herself that she is not well served in this relationship and create in her

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 4:07pm

thank you for your post.

I do understand that the therapist my not agree with my views.. but i do not believe that she should put any of them down - such as telling my dd that i have more rules than the Orthodox (jews) or the vatican...

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 4:54pm

If the THERAPIST told you,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 7:27pm

Wow, that changes the picture a bit. The therapist sounds, well, immature. She should not be coming between your DD and you and it sounds as if she has definitely crossed a line here. What my kids' therapist does is to let us know that he has told our son, for example, to speak up when he dislikes the place we've chosen to go

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-27-2011 - 10:58pm

I am also kind of skeptical that the therapist actually said this.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 9:08am
I hate to throw this out there, but are you 100% positive of what the therapist said to your dd if you weren't there? I know my ds has told me things that he says his doctor has told him, and when I questioned the doctor (having ds's permission to talk about him), it was denied and clarified for context.

For me, if I was paying for a therapist, I'd want a certain rapport with them as well as a good working relationship between them and my child, or I'd move on since I'd be paying. JMHO.

Sue

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