my dd 17
update from Pizza date..
Just before my dd went with BF to get Pizza.at 6:30 pm.
I understand what you are saying.
the reason i wanted to check the phone, was that the last time i did check the phone.. which really was strange -
she left the phone home from school, she asked me to bring it to school for her (i was off work that day) she made a strange comment about how she hopes the school does not check her phone (??) .. so i asked her .. is there something damaging.? of course she said NO.. and then i read ... that is how i found out... she was having sex.. and all of the comments from him to her that i found abusive and controlling - was right there on the phone.
Without the phone texts.. i have literally no information on her, him, this relationship - nothing!.. that is why i wanted to see the phone.
Her therapist originally said yes, this was all abuse and manipulation, and now, i find out - she just thinks this is no big deal and they will outgrow each other.
That said.. i was in an abusive relationship when i was 17 for 4 years.. 3 years too many.. but no one helped me get out.. and even thougth i knew i should leave... it felt like he was the only one that "loved me" at the time.. so i sort of get this.. it's just like a bad nightmare to me.
I was also advised - by a National Abuse Center - of which i called.. to NOT break them up.. Or she will blame and hate me.they told me to get her a counsler and have the counsler explain all of this to her.
You are correct.. this is a very fine line i am walking.. and i am not happy about this
Why are you "checking" her phone?
Question for you -
in this case - would you check her phone... or let it go and tell her i will check another time - to give her one chance to "clean her phone.. and then KNOW i will be checking??? She does have a phone curfew.. which is 11 pm.. but get texts in .. too often for me..she also texts before she get out of bed.. which to me. is a sign of control/dependence... which i do
OK I get the idea now about your DH, but maybe you can convince him that he's got to say something--sometimes things will be more accepted coming from a dad, who used to be a boy, that this is not typical boy behavior, or because he normally doesn't say too much to her, if he does say something she'll listen to it more.
When she complains about the privacy, (and I am one to give kids a lot of privacy unless I feel something is wrong) I think I'd just tell her that she is under 18, she's living in your house and presumably you are paying for her cell phone (I don't know if I'd go too much on that one cause then she can get a phone & pay for it and tell you you can't read the TMs) so too bad if she doesn't like the invasion of privacy because it's your job as a parent to protect her.
you are probably correct - she took what the therapist said (or did not say) and stretched it.. i hope.
i think you misunderstood my post about my husband.. i am just the more vocal one.. with rules etc... he did not grow up with ANY and so is more lax in theory..
He hates the boy!!