What next? I need a new plan

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
What next? I need a new plan
44
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 8:12am

Hello all

I wrote last week about my 16 y o daughter who has lied about her whereabouts, stayed away for a night and generally has created havoc with verbal abuse and risky behaviors. We had a counseling session that seemed to go ok on Friday with maybe a bit of progress but then she didn't come home after school on Friday right away even though she is grounded and yesterday she was back at my throat yelling and harassing me about how I have grounded her and how she will just leave when she wants. By locking herself in her bedroom, she had made it impossible for a real discussion about consequences and what is needed to make amends so I hadn't told her yet how long she is grounded for and how long her cell phone will be shut off. When she started screaming yesterday I told her I wouldn't talk to her unless we could have a calm discussion but that every time she doesn't come home right away from school and breaks the grounding rule, the sentence becomes longer.

I involved the school last week when she had talked about wanting to die. They did an evaluation and said she was just saying it out of anger. She was even more angry with me because of that because it embarrassed her at school.

I feel like this is a war and I just want it to end. I am deeply sad that my daughter says the things she does to me like "you're a psycho b" "this place is a s***hole" and "you are the worst mother in the whole F'ing world and I hate you"

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 4:27pm

First of all, do you have about $40,000 a year to send your DD to boarding school?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 5:30pm

a few ideas/thoughts come to mind:

  • Have you removed any and all

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 6:16pm

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, especially going through it alone and with a younger child to think about. The other 2 posters gave some good advice. Therapy/counseling does take a long time. Did the therapist give you any ideas on what to do when your dd gets like this? And if you have family or friends that you can call in that would be great. If you belong to a religious community perhaps you could talk to a pastor/rabbi/etc. Or perhaps you could call a local social service agency that deals with troubled/defiant teens and get some tips from them. Please keep us posted.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 9:51pm

I have never been there or done this, so I can’t think of anything to do other than tell her that you love her and would like to have peace with her and help her reach her full potential as the wonderful person she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 10:08pm

I totally agree with TEASPOT, wish I had stumbled on it sooner!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 10:27pm

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 11:31pm
just to respond to your last comment...she's been in therapy for years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 11:41pm
Thank you! Yes I have been trying with male friends to be around more and to help. I would be interested in that CD if you ever get a copy. Thank you for being supportive and understanding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 11:44pm
Thanks. Yeah she's been in counseling for years. I have tried a number of things and have received so much advice from friends and family. Some of it helps and some does not. It's getting confusing on what is the best thin to do since everyone has diff ideas and opinions. Also, my family is great but my sister is getting tired of this, my older daughter feels she is in the middle a lot and my mom doesn't understand. I will keep searching for a strong male figure and keep on reading here and elsewhere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 12:06am
to those who read this....I took everything away but her laptop. She fights me physically for it. I tried to take it away and she took it and nearly fell down the stairs as she chased me for it and wouldn't let me pass to put it in my car. I had to tear her arms away from the door so that I could put it in my trunk. She took it out of my trunk when I was in the shower. So I lost that battle. The cell phone I can shut off without taking it from her. And grounding is something I don't have to have a physical fight over either. So, you see my problem with the computer? I can't shut the internet off -- I work my job from home.

Pages