birthday party incident...overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
birthday party incident...overreacting?
11
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 11:22pm

First, my ex is in jail. Finally! So, my daughter is having a hard time and her behavior is changing just a little...but she was invited to a birthday that was today. The little girl and boy (twins) are in her class. She was very excited about going to the party...and I was excited for her because she's so clingy and shy maybe.


She picked out two gifts for them and was just really eager to go. When we arrived parents gave us this look as if they didn't expect us to show. I brushed it off because my daughter was excited. I am not sure what happened, but one child didn't want my daughter to play a game with them, and I didn't know what was going on and I like for children to work out their differences as long as they aren't physically hurting one another. So, I didn't pay it any attention really. But my daughter didn't seem upset or hurt so, I continued talking with another parent. Which her daughter decided that she wouldn't play with the other kids because they were being mean to my daughter. She came and told her mother.


I tried not to make a big deal about it and told my daughter to just be herself and to always be nice regardless. BUT during the middle of the party, the twins had gifts for the children who came to their party....which was over 30 kids. And when they're parents sent out the invites they asked to respond via email stating any allergies or things that your child cannot have or are afraid of. Of course I let them know that she was allergic to nuts and that she's afraid of snakes including toy ones. So, when my daughter opened her bag, there was this huge rubber snake and she was terrified. She dropped it and freaked out! Her face turned red, and she was completely upset.


I calmed her down. And reassured her that it was okay. I thought maybe all the kids received the same gift, but her friend's mother was like no, my daughter got candy. What's worse is that the "Thank you" card read, "We only invited you because my dad said we had too. But we don't play with girls like you."


That was the last straw for me. I dropped everything and grabbed my child and left. I couldn't believe that someone would be so mean. Of course the children's father called and left a message asking was everything okay, and I realized right then that he didn't know. --I am not sure what to think or to expect, but am I overreacting? Because I am not sure what's meant by "We don't play with girls like you" mean. Is it because my daughter's father is in jail or because she's biracial? I am not really sure. And, I don't understand why these children would do something like this....my daughter was so upset that she couldn't breathe. She's never had problems breathing. and I felt bad because I try to make it out to be an honest mistake, but was it?


I am really upset. She's really upset. She doesn't want to go to school tomorrow and I don't want to send her. But my mother says, that she cant run from everything...I think that she needs to see her therapist tomorrow...but I think that I am freaking. I don't know...I am just afraid of her being hurt.


I know that kids will be kids, but that's just mean. And how did they know that my daughter was afraid of snakes if an adult hadn't of said anything. I am sure their mother may have said not to put such and such in the bag for so and so...and that she didn't do it intentionally, but why would a child do something like this to another? I don't know what to say to the parents because I am so upset...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 9:15am

Wow.
That is all I can say.....

I would definitely tell the dad, since he seems to be on your side anyway. I would even show him the thank you card. Since he was the one that was "for" inviting you.
Otherwise, I would just say good riddance to the grown-ups and, as hard as it is, just teach your child to respond with LOVE to those kids at school.

This is definitely hard, my child is bi-racial too, so I think I would have wondered about it as well. We experienced our first bout with racism on MLK day of all days. My daughter looks white (completely white. Straight blond hair, blue eyes, fair skinned) Most of the people there were black (in the parade)There were black kids all around us. The parade people would come along and passed out candy to the black kids on our left. They would SKIP my daughter...visibly look at her and walk on....and pass out candy to the black kids on our right. She didn't notice I don't think, she asked why she wasn't getting candy. I didn't say anything to her, I did talk to my husband about it. He said that he noticed and he was really upset (he is black).

I know that this is one of the harder things we have to go through as mothers. How do you explain to your child that some people are just hateful??

I feel for you, and I am sorry that you guys had to experience this. Use this a life lesson for her. She will have to know that there are "those people" in the world and learn how to deal with em. Just teach her to be the bigger and better person.

HUGS!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 10:42am

Thanks so much! I think that was the best response I've gotten so far. But I couldn't send her to school today because she still upset. We are still dealing with her father and how he treated us...some things still freaks her out, and that was one of them.


I do want her to know that there will be people who are just plain hateful. There will always be. I just didn't expect my child react the way she did because her own grandparents treats her differently than her cousins.


I just didn't want to overreact and especially in front of my child and in front of other's children. It would have been scary. But I also wanted to see what was really up. I am waiting for the father to call me back today, I left him a message because I am not going to work today, and I wouldn't want to bring it up at work anyway.


I hope that those children meant no harm because when someone has a phobia, they can die. She will be going to school tomorrow, and today we are going to spend some extra time together. --I am really hurt because my daughter's classmates are mean to a select few of the children in the class. And my daughter is going through a lot, and she's not really happy about my pregnancy either. So, we're dealing with a lot.


I just don't want her to think all people are the same.

Avatar for jacindaanne
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 1:34pm
OMGosh that is just awful. I feel so badly for you & your daughter. I think that I would call the Dad back & let him know what his children did. If my child did such a thing I would be horrified & want to deal with it immediatley. I would even be tempted to mail him that terrible card that his chidlren gave your daughter. Regardless of the reason, whether it be race or her Father being in jail, mean is mean. There is no excuse for treating others in such a manner. I hope that you do tell the Father & that he is horribly embarrassed & makes his children apologize to her. I could go on forver about this, I am just livid for you.
*HUGS*
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 8:18pm

I did speak to the father...as we are co-workers. He called me back a little while ago. I told him that when I sent an rsvp email, I simply stated that my daugter was allergic to nuts and that she's terrified of snakes.And when my daughter recieved her goodie bag, there was a huge rubber snake in it that scared her into a panic attack. Also that once I calmed her down and explained that it was a mistake...we read the thank you and I told him what it said.


I told him that I could give him the bag with the card if he needed to see. He seemed hot! He asked me which one of his children gave my daughter the bag, and he said that he was sorry and he would speak with me later.


he brought his twins over to my house this afternoon

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 8:44pm
My daughter asked me if those kids were really her friends...and I am not sure what to say. I know they aren't but if I tell her that, then I am sure that she will tell them, and it'll be more complicated then it already is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 10:51pm
I feel so sorry for you and your little girl.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 10:53pm
That is horrible!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 10:57pm
Well, at least the dad is making them take responsibility for it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 11:04pm
Thanks. And you are right. She will just have to see if they are truly her friends or not. She seems okay now, she read to the baby before she went to sleep...and she's talking A LOT. So hopefully, she will have
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 11:43am

You can tell your daughter that she can forgive them for that incident, but that doesn't mean that she has to be friends with them. I always tell my boys that while it is never okay to be openly mean to someone, they never have to play/associate with anyone who they feel is mean to them (I think that is very empowering for little kids who are oftentimes taught that they have to be nice to everyone, regardless). You were totally in the right to let the dad know what happened. I think those kids are getting that 'tude from somewhere (probably not the dad, though). The rubber snake incident seems deliberate, if she had one and no one else did. I ususally find that goody bags are the same when given out at a party.

That being said, I also usually try not to get too involved in my kid's social struggles (unless they need me to). Your daughter might end up being best friends with one of both of them, but she'll remember that mom badmouthed them. My older son pulled that one on me once, told me and his dad how he didn't like A and how A was not a good friend and so on and so on. So dad and I got over-involved with telling him how that was not right and A must not be a good friend (he was our first-born; the test child). Well, the next week he was back to being best friends with A, but told him "You know, my mom and dad don't like you!! Yikes.

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