How would you handle this problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
How would you handle this problem?
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:49am

Hi. This is my first time posting here. I hope it is okay that my first post is a problem I am trying to resolve.

I'll try to keep this short. My 7 year-old DD has been best friends with a girl down the block for over a year now. They played together almost every day, take the school bus together, play at recess, lunch excetera. They have basically been inseperable. She comes from a nice family and I often chat with her mom, though we are not friends outside of our DD's friendship. The girls also play with another friend up a different block, though not as often.

Well, about 2 months ago, my DD's best friend suddenly became "busy" all the time. Every time my DD would call to play, she was busy and would tell her tomorrow. Well, the next day, same thing. After a couple of weeks of this, my DD started questioning their friendship, and they both exited the school bus in tears!!

So, the next day I called her mom and asked if anything was wrong. I asked her to please tell me if my DD did anything to upset her friend, or if something maybe happened at my house that made her so uncomfortable she didn't want her DD playing my DD anymore. She assured me everything was perfectly fine, they were just "busy". Two more weeks of the same thing, though now the girls are friends on the bus and at school, but everytime my DD tries to get together with her friend, she is "busy". Then, I hear SEVERAL times her friend say she is DEFINITELY going to come to our house, she just has to ask her mom. Again, doesn't happen. They are "busy". Okay, so now I know what being "busy" means, but of course my DD doesn't. So I call her mom again, and again I get the same thing. Everything is fine, the girls are still friends, they'll get together soon, but nothing changes.

Now, things just get worse, because my dd's friend keeps telling her she is coming over! My dd calls her and she says she will be over in a few minutes, then never comes! The first time, my dd waited almost 2 hours for her to come. I finally had to call her mother and tell her to ask her dd to please stop saying she is coming over if she will not allow her to come as my dd has been in tears over this for over a month now.

Well, I think my dd's friend's mom called a "mercy" playdate, because following day my dd was allowed to go to her house. However, ever since then the story has been the same.

While I know kids can do all sorts of things, I know in my gut that her mom is not letting her play with my DD anymore. My poor dd is so confused and upset that she won't even go on the school bus now. To make matters worse, her friend is telling everyone at school that her mom won't let her play with my dd anymore because of something I said. Now my dd is upset with me because she thinks it is my fault. And now the other little girl up the block doesn't want to be friends with her either.

I have already tried twice in what I feel was a very mature way to find out if this girl's mom is upset with something that happened at my house or she heard something or whatever. Even though kids can do some strange things, I am pretty people perceptive. There is some reason this mom does not want her dd to play with mine, but she won't tell me what it is. I guess she feels it is easier to just pretend to be "busy" all the time.

I am sure her dd is pretty confused over this as well and also doesn't understand what is going on. I am so upset that an adult would break up a friendship like this. It has been horrible for everyone involved: my dd, her dd and the other little girl up the block who is now in the middle of this.

Any ideas on how I can approach this mom to find out what is going on? Is it even worth it? How do I make my dd understand that it is not my fault, her fault or even her friend'd fault that this is happening?

Any suggestions??? My dd is so heartbroken, especially since her friend is STILL saying she is going to ask her mom if they can play.

:( (Jan)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:18pm
Hi! This age can be tough, can't it? In my opinion, if it takes that much effort for a playdate, I would try to get your daughter involved in other activities to get her to meet other kids. How about summer reading at the library or day camp? I wouldn't be so accomodating to this particular family. It's not worth your time and heartache to your daughter. The best thing to do would be to get your daughter involved in activities that she likes to do to keep her busy. Friends come and go at this age, anyway. I would explain that after trying so hard to get together, it just isn't going to work, and drop it. It will make everyone feel better. I think some kids like to play the "bait and switch" game with friends, just to make them seem like they're popular, but really they are not better than anyone else. Hope this helps. Ann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 2:13pm

First time posters are ALWAYS welcome, problesm included! =) We're here to offer support and friendship, so talk, type away! LOL!

Your poor daughter. That is a

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