i have a 6 yr old boy help ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
i have a 6 yr old boy help ....
5
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 12:26am
hello i have a 6 yr old boy,and iam divorce from his dad and iam remarried now...but he is pitting his dad and i againist each other...he does call my new husband daddy richard by his choice but how can i get him to stop acting out..he is talking back,lieing by saying we told he he did not have to listen to his grandma or grandpa or his daddy when he is there,then when comes to our house he tells us that his dad does not spend time with him..we do have weekly meetings with his dad and us about bryan to find out how he is doing at each other house but it is getting out of hand we do time outs,take away things iam losing my mind by his behavior help me please thank you my yahoo id is erinensley if you want to chat
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:29am

Wow - I can only imagine how tough your situation is! It sounds really frustrating...

I don't have any practical experience with this sort of thing, but the one thought that occured to me as I read your message was that maybe you could just try to 'take him out of the loop,' communication-wise, if you know what I mean. Don't depend on him to communicate things to your ex or grandma and grandpa. Don't ever say, "Tell your Dad this, or tell Grandma that." Try not to put him in a position where he has to make a decision to lie or to be truthful. You might just play down any sneaky attempts on his part with a little smile and say, "Are you trying to trick me? Do you know what happens to little boys who try to trick me? They get TICKLED!!" Then tickle him or do something else that gets you both laughing.

Have a chat with your ex and decide how you will both handle it if Junior pulls one of his control games. Maybe if he persists in saying things to Dad like, "Well, Mom said I don't have to do what you say!" Then Dad can say, "Oh really? Are you trying to trick me again? I better call your mom and see what she has to say about this!" Then, after he talks to you and confirms the little beastie's control games, he could turn to your son and say calmly, "Yep - I knew it. You were just trying to trick me!" And then let it go. I don't think I would make a big deal about him LYING at this point. Maybe later, if he continues doing it, but I have a feeling that this behavior will fall by the wayside if he doesn't get some big pay off for being deceitful.

I bet he is getting a big powerful boost over seeing you and Dad and the grandparents get all upset by his finagling of the facts. I would suggest that you really try not to get upset. Show him that you can handle him without breaking a sweat. That should send him the double message that 1) Mom and Dad are in control of things and 2) he is a good kid after all. Mom and Dad can EASILY manage him - no problemo, Baby.

I am not a huge fan of time-outs at this age. Maybe they work for some kids, but I only find them effective with my own son if it is a case of my son's just being way too energetic and he needs to calm down. Then I might stick him in a chair with a book and orders to stay there for five minutes or until the ringing in Mom's head stops - I will let him know. :) But for punishment of other types of misbehavior, I don't find time-outs to be very effective. They just seem to make him mad at me and therefore rob him of any opportunity to learn from what happened.

Instead I try to emphathize with him in a sorrowful way. "Oh... how sad - you've broken your sister's doll." Then I assume that he is smart enough to figure out a solution. "What can you do to make this right?" If he is stuck and can't think of anything, I will offer to help him out. "Would you like some ideas for how you could fix this problem?" Then I would give him more then one option. "Well, you could look to see if you have enough money to buy your sister a new doll. I will help you call the store to find out how much one costs. Or you could offer to give her one of your toys in trade. Or you could offer to do your sister's chores for her for the next week. Do you like any of those ideas?"

Basically I just try to hold my kids responsible for their actions without getting all upset over them myself (easier said then done, I do freely admit!). But that is the goal. :)

I also find that if I can anticipate a problem and have a plan in mind for how to deal with it, then I am much more likely to stay calm and deal with it in a constructive way when it does happen. So maybe you could try to pinpoint exactly what he does that is driving you insane and then decide exactly how you will handle it when it happens. That way you are a thinking, teaching, proactive parent rather then a knee-jerk reaction kind of parent if you know what I mean.

Anyhow, good luck to you. I'm sure things will improve as your situation becomes more stable.

Take care,

Susan

P.S. You might also check out the book, "Love and Logic Magic" by Jim and Charles Fay. Great read!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 10:53am
being a child of divorce myself, i have some advice. though my parents divorced when i was 14yo, for whatever reason, children will try to play their parents against each other. i think in my case it was b/c i felt like my entire life was out of my control & this was a way for me to say "hey, I'M HERE!!! SEE ME instead of your divorce, etc."
anyway, a way to eliminate the playing parents back & forth is to keep the communication between you & your ex open, and make it known. this will send the message to your ds that mom and dad know what's really going on, and he will realize that he can't play against that. divorce can be really hard on children, but if the parents keep an open relationship with each other when it come to the the subject of the child, it can actually give comfort to the child. at least mom & dad still have SOMETHING in common & it's ME!
GL
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:01pm
It sounds like Bryan is starting ot realize this is a permenanat situation and he may not be liking it. Just reassur ehim that everyone loves him and try to spend quality time with him. You may want to make a "what we expect" chart to post up at dad's and your house. That wya it's the same and consistent. That should help. Have a meeting with Bryan and talk about what is acceptable and what isn't. Then talk about what will happen as a result of behavior that is not allowed. If it is simple and posted, there's not questioning and no bargaining. It is what it is. He needs structure and quality time. It just may be taking him more than he expected to deal with this in terms of self discipline and acceptance. Are you in counseling with him? HUGS!!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:14am
Thank you everyone for all your ideas to help us with Bryan,he is starting to get it that has to be a "good" boy or pay the price...we do have in therapy and it is helping...he knows that at both houses he has little things to do like help set the table,clear the table,make his bed,brush his teeth and then over here he has to fed the cat also...he alos knows that wineing is not allowed at either houses,and either are temper tantums that will just earn you 6 min in time out...he loves weekends over here since we do alot more things with him one on one,play games,biking in the summer,plus here he has his OWN room instead of sharing with hid daddy at their house...we had a great christmas wiht no real problems and my xhusband still thinks he is king of all things which i prove him wrong time and time again,thank you again for all your ideas it help my husband Richard and i out alot....happy holiday...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:33pm
You're very welcome! Post again so we can keep up with you and the family! =)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting