my husband yelling problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
my husband yelling problem
13
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 12:42pm

I have a husband that is hot tempered and yells when he is mad.
I tried to tell him that yelling is abuse! He will not go to counceling.
I admit I yell sometimes but not to the tone my husband uses.

our daughter is seven years old almost eight in a few weeks.She gets very moody and if she does not get her way she becomes a animal.Last week she saw the pumpkin patch and wanted to go but I said we will see because it is so hot outside- the entire time at the mall she drove me crazy and then I said no now we are not going. She made such a scene at the mall screamimg and calling me a evil witch, everyone was wacthing us. I did not yell at her and tried to calm her down but she was so mad. My husband would of yelled at her and put her in the car( I am glad he was not there). Most of our fights are about our daughter and how to discipline her. It makes me very nervous when he yells. our daughter does not listen to a nice tone she will keep it up, She will throw things, slam doors, yell. She also argues about where we eat all the time- if we go somewhere that she is not to fond of you will not enjoy your dinner and will get into a fight over this.I am at the end of my rope! I am a nervous person and get panic attacks

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:31pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 11:23pm

I'm brand new here but just wanted to say that our elementary school (grades K-4) uses Love and Logic. The teachers & staff are trained to use it with their students, and the school counselor offers classes on it for parents (which I am currently attending). If you go to their website (not sure of the name, but if you do a search on "love and logic" you'll find it), you'll see they have several titles of books, audiotapes, etc. available.

Good luck,
Fran

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 1:35pm

Delurking with my 2 cents.

Rebecca

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Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 1:01pm

Actually I don't think it will be too young for her. That is the one beef I have with the book. I think the title is quite misleading. You cannot use these techniques on a newborn and I think you can use them on kids of all ages with a little variance.

I went to a seminar given by one of the authors and watched him (knowingly or not) use the same technique on the sound technicians when his microphone went out. It is simply a way of dealing with people that is kind and non-hostile, but where you refuse to let other people's problems become your problems and you set strong personal boundaries.

That said, he has written other books in the Love and Logic series. One is aimed at teens and there is another one (the first one written, I think) that does not specify an age group. The ones I have read are all good, but the one I recommended to you (Birth through Age Six) seems to deal more specifically with issues that parents have with young children, ie: tantrums in the store, whining, that sort of thing. And again, there is such a sense of playful fun about this method that really helps me to keep my sense of humor. THAT is what I am so grateful for! :)

Take care,

Susan

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Registered: 01-10-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:43am

Hi

Thanks for all your great tips!

My daughter will be turning eight years old in November, Do you think that the book you said is to young for her. I think it goes up to six years old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 12:10pm

Are you two book readers at all? I have a book suggestion for you: It is "Love and Logic Magic for Birth Through Age Six," by Jim and Charles Fay, Ph.Ds. It is not a very long book and is actually a good read, with fun anecdotes that will have you laughing out loud.

This book really teaches parents how to keep the fun in parenting. It advocates a strict but very loving and extremely effective approach that really gets kids thinking about their actions and the consequences that result from them. And the cool thing is that it really makes parenting FUN, which it kind of sounds like you guys are missing out on.

I understand your husband's anger and your resulting frustration. I come from a family of yellers and so yelling is my first instinct in situations were my kiddos are being naughty. Of course, that is not the kind of parent that I want to be, so I have worked extremely hard to find other approaches and ways of dealing with behavior issues. The Love and Logic books (but especially the one I mentioned) are right up my alley because they are fairly strict with high expectations for children. So many other parenting books seem wishy-washy to me and I couldn't imagine myself saying the canned phrases they offered. But Love and Logic really worked for me. So I thought I would recommend it to you.

I read somewhere that if you approve of the way your parents raised you and the parenting methods they used, then you can rely on your gut instinct to parent your own children, however; if you do NOT approve of the way you were raised, then you always have to question your gut instinct with regard to your parenting reactions, because that 'gut instinct' is shaped by how your parents parented you. That really reasonated with me, because even though I think that I turned out okay, I had a very tumultous relationship with my dad, who was a very strict, very loud, yelling and spanking, militant kind of parent. My brothers and I all felt as children that our dad didn't like us very much and we were afraid of him. I now have a very good relationship with my dad, so it all worked out in the end, but why go through that with my own kids? So I have had to really fight that 'this kid deserves and needs a spanking right now' instinct. It comes naturally for me because it was the way I was raised. See what I mean?

Anway, I hope some of this helps!

Susan

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Registered: 01-10-2004
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 10:52am

My daughter was acting up last night and not listening to my husband,he told her a few times in a nice way but she just kept it up, My husband raised his voice and said you do not talk to me that way! she cried and would not stop and kept saying that she was not being a smartas*- she would not stop crying so I tried to explain to her that she does not act that way but you could not tell her anything. my husband got mad at me because he thought i was sticking up for her- I was trying to calm her down because she would not stop. I do not know how to discipline her because it leads to a worse tantrum. My husband said That I am to discipline her and not him because everything he does it wrong.
We were talking for 2 hours last night.

I am fed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 8:32pm
If she's good at school it's probably not ODD. That is something that is pretty consistent throught her day. It never hurts to get an opinion, though. If nothing else, maybe it will get your husband to realize the seriousness of his actions. Know what I mean?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 6:40pm

Hi

She is not bad all the time but does have a attitude most of the time. She freaks out and starts her tantrums or talk back. She is very good at school.
I will look into ODD

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:11pm

Hi, there! I remember you. I see things haven't gotten any better for you. I'm so sorry to hear that. I have a question for you...is your daughter out of control all of the time? I mean when youhave to tellher what to do, does she lose control most of the time? You may want to consider having HER evaluated for ODD. It's called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Maybe your husband is really frustrated because of that??? I'm not there to say for sure but what do you think about that suggestion?


HUGS!!

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