No Birthday Invite

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
No Birthday Invite
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 9:13am

Hi, I'm new to the board and I have a question about birthday party etiquette. There are only twelve children in my daughter's class and so far she has been invited to most of the birthday parties (that I know of) except two.

One girl blantantly told her she didn't invite her because she doesn't like her and I thought that was just awful. We are talking about six year olds. Do parents allow their children to make decisions about who comes to their parties?

Last week she didn't get invited again and I thought well maybe the birthday girl could only invite so many kids in her class. When I picked up my daughter Monday at school, the first thing she said was that she didn't get to go the birthday party. It was apparent (I don't have the exact count) but most of the kids in the class went because they all came in with favors from the party.

I thought this was very inconsiderate to my daughter and any other child that didn't get invited. But because I don't know the etiquette and it's only kindergarten, I had better brace myself for what lies ahead.

Honestly, I really didn't know what to say to my child considering the school is suppose to be teaching about inclusiveness. I just want to protect her and not have her feelings get hurt.

Any advise on this matter would be most helpful. Thank you!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:45am

Sorry your dd is feeling left out. I hope she has a couple of good friends whom she gets along with well and that she can understand that not everyone in the world is going to be buddy-buddy birthday party friends. It just doesn't happen that way.

I really think you're overreacting & being oversensitive. They're 6; it's a birthday party. My goodness, if we all had to be buddy-buddy-birthday-party-type-friends with everyone anyone of us ever went to school with we'd all be broke celebrating birthdays.

Let's be realistic, how many people are any of us still in touch with from when we were 6 or 7 years old? Maybe 1/2 the class? Maybe more or less depending on how common it is to move away or stay planted in one's home town? Personally, I keep in touch with two people that I knew in grade school; 3 that I knew in junior high/high school and one from college. That doesn't lend itself well to me assuming there's going to be some long term social or emotional damage to someone just because they didn't get invited to my daughter's birthday party.

I don't have a problem with our dd not being invited to all the parties, I don't expect her to be and I don't expect (or want) to be running her helter skelter for birthday parties.

As far as actual invitations go: We let her invite 5 classmates to her birthday party back in December; we mailed the invitations and we told our dd that she wasn't allowed to talk about it at school (and that if one of the guests brought it up that she could just say "my parents only let me invite 5 classmates"). There are children in my dd's class whom I actually dislike & whose parents I dislike; I'm not going to entertain children that I cannot stand ~ sorry, but not everyone is going to like everyone and it's much less rude to just not invite someone than to invite them and then tell them "My mommy made me invite you, but I wish you hadn't come." The only rule at dd's school about invitations is that if you're not inviting the entire class, you can't hand the invitations out at school. Considering that there were 40+ family members at dd's birthday party, I think it would be unreasonable to extend the invitation to all 16 of her classmates and I certianly wouldn't go off the deep end and invite all 51 members of the other 3 sections of Kindergarten. There aren't enough Excedrins in the WORLD to get me to even consider the idea of inviting that many children to an event.

Irrespective of the size of our children's classes, I think that it is important that we teach our children that while they have to get along with their classmates at school, it is ok to not be friends outside of school; and that includes birthday parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:36pm

I think this is just part of life. Children (People) are simply not going to get invited to every party. Like the previous poster there are some children (and parents) that I refuse to entertain or nuture a friendship with so those kids will simply not be invited.

My boys each have 24 kids in their respective classes (they are in the first and second grade). They are each invited to about 10 parties a year and they have heard about parties that have happened to which they were not invited. Sure they're hurt but they forget about it by the next day and continue to be pleasant and friendly to the child who had the party just as they would want to be treated if they had a party and couldn't invite everyone. We don't have a policy at our school about where to hand out invitations as long as they are not being handed out in class... they are more than welcome to hand them out before school or afterschool in front of everyone and it's fine.

When my boys have had parties I have had to limit the invitations based on the activity they choose. Should they want to go bowling the limit is 12 (based on facility managment), wave pool (8 due to safety concerns), movie 5 (due to my expense). One year my oldest son couldn't limit his invites so he simply didn't have a party because I wasn't going to have a party for 24 1st graders.

Schools are to teach about inclusiveness, yes, but I belive that is on school grounds and in the classroom. They can't force people to invite every child to a birthday party like they can force you to bring a valentine and a party treat.

I'm sorry that your daughter wasn't invited to the birthday party but as she gets older and the classes get bigger it is going to happen more often than not so I would explain to her the reasons why it might happen and she'll work through it.

Edited 3/21/2007 1:14 pm ET by sugarcoated2004
Avatar for nlas99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 1:07pm



Edited to say: UUGGH! I did NOT mean to put the angry face in there, I meant to put the thumbs up agree sign. Sorry.

Edited 3/21/2007 1:09 pm ET by nlas99
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:56am

I really think that it depends on the situation. On one of the other boards I frequent, there was a woman that said that her daughter was the only child not invited, and that they ran into the birthday party crew in line at the movies, and her daughter was pretty upset. I think that's a different situation, becuase she was the only kid not invited.

It isn't always necessary though to protect our children from hurt feelings. I think sometimes it's good for them to have bad feelings so that we as parents can use those times as opportunities to teach our kids how to be strong, and how to control their feelings.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:09am

Hugs! I know, we want to protect our kids from everything. Unfortunately, we can't. All you can do is try not to make a huge deal out of it and plan something more fun.

Not everyone thinks like we do, and wants to include everyone. My son doesn't get invited to much either, but it doesn't bother him. He's got


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 4:43pm

I personally find it disturbing that the school allows favors to be brought into class.

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